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Broken glass. A ton, of broken glass tonight.

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I don't know what to expect tomorrow. I mean, after the last time we hung out, and other things since, I don't know what will happen. I just really hope things aren't awkward. :?

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So it is offically my birthday. The start of my last year being a teenager. Look at where I began. Look at me now. Who cares? Do I even care? I have to. I am expecting something, but why should I?
Lets make this year, and give it all Ive got. Forget everyone, everyone and everything that ever mattered. Erase all the memories and fill them with new ones.

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Why are you starting to back track when you were the one pushing this at the start? Why are you still writing 'i love you' to these girls that are younger than you and you know it'll lead them on? I wish I could trust you but I can't yet. I don't want you to go to the party tonight. I want you to mean what you say, but you don't. Stop trying to make me believe. You're just not true, no matter how much I'd like it to be. </3

I thought I was better at not falling for someone this quickly. I hate myself for this. More than I wish I could hate you.

(Really glad I could let that out on TH...)

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I really, really, really wanted you to be there for my birthday.
I wanted so badly for you to care. I know you cant come to the city with us, but at least you could have been there.

Dear you,
I dont know where we left off. I didnt think it was on good terms but maybe we can start over. I dont want this year to go like the last. Im sorry. And I hope you are too. And thank you.

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there's a lot of people i'll never say things to.
...one is why? XD its always that, why and how could you act like that?
another is:is this all pretend, or is there something there?
to my mum:i don't know what's wrong with me. i keep falling apart, but i'm fine
but this could go on forever. there's so many things it's impssible to say.

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Dear you,
I want to tell you, I want to show you soooo badly who your boyfriend really is. You texted me today for the first time ever probably. And I wish I could just explain to you what he did to me. I think you ought to know. What he did to me, what he said to me.. How can you possibly be with someone like that. First off, HE CHEATED on you. He came on to me. He kissed me. He touched me. Ugh, you are SO much better than him. I dont understand how after like 3 years of putting up with him you continue to say you love him. I wish we were bette friends so I could tell you what he made me do, what he forced himself on me to do. Im sorry you dont know him better than that. Im sorry I cant tell you this. Im sorry.

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You're breaking my heart. But it's okay, I can deal as long as you're happy.

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Dear myself,
Its been a long time since Ive seen you like this. Weeks, months, maybe even a year or so. I dont know what has gotten into you but you are better than this. You are better than that handfull of pills you just swallowed. You are better than the shots you took to wash them down. I know tonights just a slip up and not a step back to the person you were, the person you hated yourself for.
Just lay in bed and try not to focus on Him.. He can not hurt you anymore. At least dont let Him. Try to just fall asleep, shut your eyes and pray never to wake up. Maybe you wont ever wake up.

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I don't want to do it. I don't want to do anything, other than induce a coma and sleep this off, maybe.

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I love you just how you are. I don't mind that you used to be the way you used to be, i don't mind about the scars. I don't mind the distance or any issues you can think of. You always say how strong i am, how you wish you could be this "strong". I'm strong because of you. I'm strong because of the way you make me feel, the way that yours always there for me. I love you so much. And the things we've been though, i would do it all again if i had too. You know i'm always here for you no matter what. And i know your always here for me too and that's why i'm so strong, because of you. Your my reason i'm still here. And i'm never letting go.

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I know you think I overreact to things, and I know this is something so small and stupid... but... you never wished me a happy birthday. You were pretty much the only person who didn't. Even some people I haven't spoken to in years managed to send me a quick message. 'Happy birthday, Chess.' 'Hope you have a great day, Chess.' 'You deserve to have some fun, Chess.'
But, obviously, that was too hard for you. Wasn't it?
You just don't appreciate how much effort I put into yours. I was up early, I gave you something I'd only ever shown to one person before (and you were the first perrson I actually gave a copy to), I made sure you had a good day.
And you couldn't even be bothered to wish me a happy birthday.

And you two, even though you guys managed to wish me a happy birthday, you didn't get me anything. It's stupid, I know. I'm being selfish. I know, dammit. But still, you're my friends. And even when I gave you your presents... nothing. Nothing. Absolutely nothing!

Screw you.

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So, yeah, here's the deal. I really did not need your pep talk. Your stupid 'You don't know good your life is and you have so many opportunities in front of you' speech made me want to kill myself.
And I can just picture all you smug little doctors, if I tried and failed. I'd be sitting there, and you'd see only the Surface Me. You'd sit there, all high and mighty, wondering why this silly little girl tried to kill herself.
"You have good grades. You have your whole life ahead of you. You have friends who care about you. You are blessed and you are lucky and you don't even know the first thing about sadness, or hopelessness, or death. So whyever would you want to kill yourself?"

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P: YOU CONFUSE ME, TO NO END! :'( One moment, you\'re all into me, and the idea of being with me, another moment you\'re telling me you\'d never be able to live in the same place as me since I\'d stress you, you\'d stress me, and FUCK, you keep going BACK AND FORTH between it! How long is it going to take you to figure things out? I can\'t wait forever! :( Just fucking admit the only reason you ACT like you\'re interested in me is because you\'re hoping to get a piece. Newsflash, I want a COMMITMENT, not to be a ONE-NIGHT STAND! :mad:

J: I doubt you\'ll make it up here to see me. Just admit it now, please, instead of misleading me. :(

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You don\'t trust me? Well fuck you, I don\'t trust you either. Matter of fact, don\'t trust anyone anymore. Screw you all. Leave me alone. That is all.

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I\'m still so angry at you, even though it\'s been a year now. The way you ended things was cruel, you promised to be there for me - boyfriend or just friend and that never materialised did it?

I\'m frustrated you still havn\'t got in touch, and the fact that you\'ve had two relationships in the space of 9 months rips me up inside. It totally shouldn\'t, i know..
On the other hand i feel sorry for your partners, to have to put up with all your bullshit.

Your a self centred piece of shit and the worse thing? You know and are proud of it.
Where the fuck did your humanity go?

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It\'ll be okay...




Eventually, I hope...

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gah what do i do?! i don\'t want anyone else to have you! your mine! but why can\'t you just want me? it really hurts me. i know i don\'t show it i know i put on a face. but. please?

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That\'s why I\'ve told you and not him. Because you can\'t help me. He could, if he wanted to. He won\'t, of course, and who can blame him? Anyway, there\'s nothing you can really do. Which makes it safe to confide in you, you know? God forbid I should actually ask for help from somebody who could really help me.

By the way, I heard back from my counsellor today. For the last time. No more reaching out for help.

And all this emotional crap, all this trying to help people and save them and junk... yeah, that\'s over too. I can\'t save myself, so, you were right, you were all right, I was a hypocrite for trying to help any of you, so now, yup, that\'s the end of that. *dusts hands off*

So, do not try to help me. Do not try to get me talk about my feelings. Better yet, don\'t try to get me to talk at all. I\'m... nothing. Nothing at all. I feel nothing, I mean nothing, I deserve nothing.

The girl you thought you knew? Yeah. She\'s dead. Meet the new me.

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:\'(
Don\'t let me back in your life so easily. I\'m a monster.

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