My crush is having sex with me

[FONT=""][COLOR=""][SIZE=""][FONT=""][COLOR=""][SIZE=""]Hi, I'm Emma and I'm 17. Nine months ago at a birthday party I had quite a bit to drink and made a pass at one of my Mum's male friends. He's in his forties and I've had a huge crush on him for a few years now but he turned me down and I was gutted and embarrassed the following day and called him to apologise. He was okay and told me to forget it.

Four months ago though he came to see me when mum was out and basically forced me to have sex with him. I was stunned at first but I soon relaxed and let him do it until he finished. He soon started coming round around twice a week after mum went to work but I just let him do it as it was something I had fantasized about for ages and I'm keeping it secret for him.

Over the last two months though on a couple of occasions he's shown up at the house with two of his mates from work and after he's finished he likes to watch them have sex with me too. They only show up occasionally but they're really rough with me and I don't like it.

I want him to continue but not them but I'm not sure how to tell mum as I started all this.

Emma[/size][/color][/font][/size][/color][/font]

[Ennui.]

I’m sorry you’re experiencing this!

I want to start out by saying that him basically forcing you to have sex that time and making you have sex with his friends is considered rape and you do not deserve it. Consent isn’t just the absence of a no. It has to be the presence of a sober, enthusiastic yes. It sounds like he has manipulated you and has taken advantage of you. I know you may want to continue having sex with him but it doesn’t sound like he actually cares about your well being and is using you just for the sex. The situation doesn’t sound safe, especially if he is bringing other men around, and I’d seriously reconsider this arrangement. Do you have anyone you can talk to about this?

I’m proud of you for wanting to tell your mom. Maybe you can tell her in the form of a letter and say the same things you laid out here, that you’ve been having sex with one of her friends but he’s been bringing around other people and you want that to stop. She’ll probably have other questions for you but you’d have gotten out the initial things you wanted to say. Letters can be good because they allow you to get everything out without nerves or interruptions getting in the way.

If you tell her verbally I’d tell her in private on a day where she’s in an okay mood. You can make a list of points you want to talk to her about so you don’t forget anything.

[Ambedo.]

I'm sorry to hear you're experiencing this.

As Dez stated, what you are experiencing is a form of sexual assault and rape. Consent is often mistaken as being the absence of a "no". In reality, someone has to receive a sober, enthusiastic "yes" in order to have received consent. Additionally, that person should be respectful of the fact that you can change your mind at any time and stop immediately if that happens. Not only did your mom's friend fail to obtain consent before having sex with you, he has started to bring friends over and pressure you into having sex with them. Even if you are now consenting to sex with him, what he is making you do with his friends and the way he went about beginning your sexual relationship is not okay.

Regardless of who "started it", you have the right to stop it at any point and he should respect that. It doesn't sound like he is. Depending on the age of consent in your country, it may be that he never should have let it start to begin with if you're a minor. Please rest assured that none of what you're experiencing is your fault.

I'm really proud of you for wanting to tell your mom about what's going on. I know that takes a lot of courage, but it sounds like it's the right decision to make. I can definitely understand your concerns about how to go about telling her. Sex can be a difficult topic to bring up with parents in general and can feel even more challenging when it involves being taken advantage of. If telling her face to face is important to you, perhaps you could rehearse what you're going to say beforehand. It might help give you a clearer idea of what you'd like to say. You can even write down some bullet points or an open letter to read from, sort of like a script. Both options may help ensure that you stay on track during the conversation and communicate everything that you want her to know. Alternatively, you can write her a letter and leave it in a place that will be easy for her to find, such as on her pillow or an area she frequently visits in the house. In the letter, you can explain everything that you've been experiencing, let her know that you were nervous to talk to her about it, and let her know that you'd be willing to have a more in-depth conversation about it and answer any questions that she might have.

Because this is your mom's friend, I do want you to be aware that she may have an emotional response to what you share. This can often happen when people struggle to believe that someone they are close to is capable of behaving in a way that doesn't fit in with their perception of that person. If your mom does react with emotion, please keep in mind that it isn't your fault and is, more than likely, just the initial shock of the news. Stand your ground and let her know that you would really appreciate her support and guidance in getting out of this situation.

I hope this helped some! Please feel free to reply to this thread or shoot me a PM if you have any other questions or want to talk about this in more depth.