Recognizing and getting help for abusive relationships
 

Abusive relationships are something that can affect us whether we are sixteen or sixty. It is important to remember that while abuse can be physical, it can also be mental, emotional, or sexual.

Abuse affects both men and women, but no one has to remain in an abusive relationship. Being aware of the signs of an abusive relationship can help you to know when enough is enough, and to leave or ask for help.

Definitions of the different types of abuse:

Physical: Hitting, kicking, biting, pinching, slapping, breaking bones, breaking skin, punching, slamming against walls, pushing to the ground. (Just because you and your partner get in a fight does not give them the right to physically hurt you. If they hurt you in any way physically it is abuse.)

Emotional: Manipulation, criticizing, humiliation, hurtful remarks, belittlement, insults, controlling. (Even in argument or disagreements it does not give your partner the right to humiliate, insult, or belittle you. Additionally, if they do not allow you your personal space and freedom and they control you, it's emotional/mental abuse.)

Sexual: Forcing sexual acts when one does not want to engage in them. (Just because you are dating, engaged, or married does not mean that you have to have sex. If you do not wish to have sex with your partner in any way and they force it upon you, it is sexual abuse.)

Signs of abusive relationships:

There are certain types of questions to ask yourself if you feel like you might be in a unhealthy or abusive relationship, for example:

• Does your partner often make doubt your own judgment or wonder if you are crazy, or make you feel inclined to express your opinions less and less freely?
• Are you often afraid of your partner or afraid of others?
• Do you need to ask your partner’s permission to spend money, take classes, or socialize with friends, and do you tend to see others less often?
• Do you spend a lot of time watching for your partner’s bad and not-so-bad moods before bringing up a subject?
• Does your partner constantly keep track of what you are doing with your time when you are out or on the computer?
• Does your partner act jealous and possessive?
• Does your partner accuse you of being unfaithful and flirting with others, or does your partner humiliate, belittle or criticize you in front of others?
• Does your partner discourage you from working or doing things you enjoy ?
• Does your partner destroy your possessions, take them away, or hides them?
• Does your partner threaten to hurt you, your children, friends, or pets, possibly with a weapon?

If the answer to any of these questions are yes, then you are in a abusive relationship.

Think of these statements.

• I am frightened of my partner’s temper or anger.
• I am often compliant because I am afraid to hurt my partner’s feelings.
• I have the urge to rescue my partner because my partner is troubled.
• I have been hit, kicked, shoved, punched, bit, spit at or had things thrown at me by my partner when he/she was jealous or angry.
• I find myself apologizing to him/her or to others for his/her behavior when he/she has treated me badly.
• I make decisions about activities and friends based on what my partner wants or how my partner will react.
• I find he/she blames me for the abuse
• I find he/she insults me often.
• He/she controls what I wear.
• He/she has a history of violent behavior and discipline problems, and threatens me to hurt me or others to get what they want.

If any apply to you, you are most likely in an abusive relationship, and if you are not you may be headed into one.

Common reasons why one does not get help, or get out:

Financial: “S/He handles all the household finances…my name isn’t even on the checking account.” - “I haven’t worked in years because I have stayed home with the children. Where could I find a job that would give us enough money to survive on?”

Fear: Abusers use threats to keep their victims in relationships. - “S/He told me over and over that if I leave terrible things will happen.” - “He said no matter where I go he will find me and kill me.”

Normal: “My father abused my mother and she never left him so I grew up believing it was a normal part of a relationship."

Shame: “What will people think if they knew I let a woman beat up on me or what will people think if they knew I let a man beat up on me?” - “I don’t want to be laughed at.” - “No one would believe me.”

Self worth: I probably deserved it.

Denial: I can handle it, it’s not that bad. All I have to do is leave the house until she cools down. It’s PMS; the kids are giving her a hard time.

Reluctance to give up the good: S/he is a really creative, or loving, or wonderful person most of the time. S/he didn’t mean it.

Inertia: It’s too hard to do anything about it - I’m not ready to change my life - I’ll deal with it later.

Getting help:

• Find someone that you can trust.
• Plan in advance to have a safe place to go.
• Keep money and your cell phone or calling card with you at all times.
• Establish code word or signs so that family, friends, teachers or co-workers know when to call for help.

Statistics

• 1 in 3 teenagers report knowing a friend or peer who has been hit, punched, kicked, slapped, choked or physically hurt by their partner.
  
• 1 in 4 teenage girls who have been in relationships reveal they have been pressured to perform oral sex or engage in intercourse.
  
• More than 1 in 4 teenage girls in a relationship (26%) report enduring repeated verbal abuse.
  
• If trapped in an abusive relationship, 73% of teens said they would turn to a friend for help; but only 33% who have been in or known about an abusive relationship said they have told anyone about it.
  
• Nearly 80% of girls who have been physically abused in their intimate relationships continue to date their abuser.
  
• Of the women between the ages 15-19 murdered each year, 30% are killed by their husband or boyfriend.
  
• Studies show that 1 in 4 women will be abused in their lifetime.
  
• Boys have reported that 27% of girls started the violence in their relationships.
  
• In 100 domestic violence situations, approximately 40 cases involve violence by women against men.
  
• Survey research suggest that women who are assaulted are 9 times more likely to report to police and 5 times more likely to tell a friend/relative than men who are assaulted by their wives.
  
• Nearly 5.3 million intimate partner victimizations occur each year among U.S. women aged 18 and older. This violence results in nearly 2 million injuries and nearly 1,300 deaths .
  
• Nearly 2/3 of women who reported being raped, physically assaulted, and/or stalked since age 18 were victimized by a current or former husband, cohabiting partner, boyfriend or date.

Healthy vs. abusive relationships: the signs:

Healthy.
Non threatening behavior: acting in such a way your partner feels safe. Respect: valuing your partner's opinion, listening to your partner in a non-judgemental way. Trust and support: support your partners goals in life and support your partners rights, friends and family. Honesty: accept responsibility for self, acknowledging past use of violence and/or emotionally abusive behavior, changing the behavior, acknowledge infidelity, changing the behavior, admit to being wrong when it is appropriate, communicating openly and truthfully, acknowledging past abuse, seeking help for abusive relationship patterns. Share responsibilities: make decisions together and mutually agree on a fair distribution of work.

Abusive.
Using intimidation: making your partner afraid of you by using looks, gestures, actions, destroying property and personal items, displaying weapons, over rage, silence, making physical threats. Using emotional abuse: putting your partner down, making them feel bad about themselves, calling them names, interrogating your partner, playing mind games, harassing your partner, attacking your partner through words, “checking up” on your partner's whereabouts and activities, shaming your partner, making them feel guilty. Using isolation: controlling your partner, limiting your partner's outside involvement, using jealousy to justify your actions, demanding your partner stay home when they are out, cutting your partner off from friends, family, activities, and work. Minimizing, shifting, or denying: making light of the abuse and not taking your partner's feelings in, saying it did not happen or it was not that bad, telling them they brought it upon themselves, shifting the abuse on them ( saying you did it because they did this or that).

For numbers you can call, click the link below:
Hotlines