She won't leave me alone

[Doubtful2007]

So there is this girl (that's how most good stories start) and she likes me a lot. She would say she loves me. We dated for about 2 weeks. it was great. We held hands and i put my arm around her it was a great relationship. But i am a christian and I began to think about this girl in a sexual way. So because of that I felt it was necessary to cut off the relationship. So i cut it off and she keeps texting me saying she'll always love me and she'll never let go and one day we are going to be married and that she will never move on. Lots of guys have asked her out since I broke up with her and she sends me screenshots of her rejecting them. Once again saying she'll never stop loving me and that's why she rejected them. I have told her "if you like a guy that asks you out please say yes, don't let me hold you back." And she says once again she'll wait. My problem comes in the fact that I won't wait. I don't want to date this girl but she won't stop guilt tripping me. So my question is how do I proceed?

Sorry that was a little long

[Silvan]

Hi Paxton,
thanks for reaching out.

There are some red flags in her behaviour that you have described. It is much easier to avoid being manipulated once you're aware that this type of behaviour is not OK. It's unlikely she's being manipulative on purpose, but it might affect you negatively nonetheless.

I'll take the liberty of quoting my own experience as an example here. I used to date a guy who displayed similar behaviour to what you've described. We had been dating for 2 years and had moved in together 6 months into the relationship. He told me he loved me within 2 weeks of knowing each other, and while I was taken aback, I took it for a good sign. During our 2-year relationship I wanted to break up a couple times, but he always shrugged off my concerns, saying it was only a 'worse period for us', and 'we'll sort everything out because we're meant for each other', or something along those lines. When I finally managed to break up with him for good, he was in denial for a few weeks. He would send me messages 'love will always find a way', 'we'll live apart for a couple months and then we'll get back together', etc. I endured this for some time, but one day it had gone too far. I felt like my boundaries were being violated again and again. I sent him a couple messages stating clearly: NO, we're not soulmates; NO, we'll never be together; NO, I don't want to go on a date ever again; NO, don't wait for me, because I will never come back to you.
Long story short, I haven't heard from him since.

During the process of break-up I felt so much guilt it was overwhelming. I felt like I was hurting him, so I was the villain, that he loved me, so maybe I'd never meet another person who'd love me so much.
Wrong.
I was doing the right thing: choosing what was best for myself. He was manipulative and guilt-tripping me, but his behaviour and his feelings were NOT my responsibility. I was only responsible for myself and my actions, and the best choice for me was to leave the relationship decidedly (and as politely as possible, but unfortunately sometimes it's necessary to be impolite if the other person does not understand a 'no').

In conclusion: if I were you I would cut off contact with this girl, or at least limit it as much as possible. The more contact you have with each other, the more likely she is to misunderstand your words/actions or believe it's still possible for you two to be together. I suggest not replying to her messages. I know it's difficult, but after some time she might stop texting you. And very importantly: don't get involved in any discussions with her.

I hope this helps, let us know how it's going, and feel free to ask questions if you have any. I hope everything goes well for you. xx
Cheers
Sue

[Doubtful2007]

Sue, thank you so much for the advice. I followed it and I told her it was best if we totally cut off contact. It was one of the hardest things i've ever done. She sent one last text which was basically a giant guilt trip. I did not respond. I feel terrible but I believe that in the long run it's going to be the best thing for me. Once again thank you for the advice I really appreciate it.

[Silvan]

Hi Paxton, I hope this turns out for the best for both of you. In case you need any help feel free to reach out again. xx Sue

[Ambedo.]

Hi Paxton,

Thank you for reaching out to us at TeenHelp!

I can definitely understand why this is a tricky situation to navigate. Even though you ended the relationship, it does sound like you care about this girl and want to handle things in a kind, compassionate manner. That says a lot about you and the type of person that you are.

Unfortunately, we can't control the way others feel about us or the way they respond to the ending of a relationship. In your case, it sounds like this girl is unwilling to accept the fact that the relationship is truly over and that you aren't interested in starting it up again. Based on what you've shared, I'd say that you have done as much as you can in terms of communicating your feelings about the situation with her.

Going forward, setting firm boundaries is definitely the way to go. You can let her know that, while you do care about her, continuing to have conversations about the ending of your relationship isn't healthy for either of you. Depending on whether or not you still want to have her in your life as a friend, you can tell her that a friendship will only work if there are no further conversations about the relationship. You could say something along the lines of "Even though things didn't work out with us, I still think you're a great person and would like to continue a friendship if that's something that you're open to. But, for that to work, we can't keep having conversations about the ending of our relationship. I made the decision that was best for me and continuing to talk about it isn't healthy for either of us. We both need to move on and that can't happen if it keeps coming up. Because of that, I won't be responding to any texts or engaging in further conversation about that topic.". If you choose to set that boundary, make sure you stay firm with it! It's vital that she respect the boundaries that you set.

If staying friends doesn't seem like an option, you may also want to consider going no-contact with her. Going no-contact doesn't need to be a permanent solution if you don't want it to be! But, even doing it for a bit can help make the situation easier to navigate for both of you. If you choose this route, that means no text messages, phone calls, or intentional conversations with her. Of course, if you end up in a situation where you can't avoid being in the same space as her, such as church or school, I would definitely encourage you to be polite and cordial in any conversation with her. In those instances, simply keep it as minimal as possible, with your focus being on small talk. You may also want to find ways to remove yourself from those conversations as quickly as possible, just to ensure that she doesn't get the wrong idea and think that she can go back to texting you often.

I hope this helped! It's a tricky situation to navigate, but you've got this! Please feel free to respond to this thread or send me a PM if you'd like to talk about this further.

Take care,
Sam