boomslang Offline

hello i am new to this site as well as socialazation in generel.i have been suffering for a little over a year,ive been waiting for time to heal my wounds.but now i understand that it will not happen.i have always been a cold and stoic person.but about 16 months ago i was presuaded to awaken my humanity.ive always had emotianol problems mostly the lack of.but i began to hang out with my lawyers children and soon found myself becoming close to one of her daughters.she was made aware of the situation and was okay with me dating her daughter alyssa. i knew the family well and she trusted me.with her blessing i and alyssa started our relationship.all was well for a while but over all our relation ship was broken with my feelings unsaid.i later told her about them to try and end the emotional hell i was in.i figured if my unresolved feelings were expressed i would be set free from my pain,i was wrong.every time i think about her i suffer.im so sad.i cant go truogh a day without her ghoast at my side.ive become so messed up that i dont even know what happiness is anymore without her.its as if i wish ide never met her.but the way i can tell that it was really love is that would do it all over again,i know that doesnt make since but its how i feel.even living in pain all the time isnt as bad as having never felt love.i am more than a brocken heart im a broken person.i dont know why i dont commit suicide i am always hurting and always will.but i just dont feel like doing it.im not scared of death altough im not religeous i am spiritual.i am an avid martial artist and live by the sword.my skill with a blade used to come from the fact that i had no emoition,to me having love.then the strength came from my anger over the breakup, and now all of my swords strength comes from the fact that i am sorrow and have nothing left in life.my sword skills in my dojo are unmatched because not only do i not fear death ,iseek it. however i cant and wont commit suicide its not just my choice its my spirits.when i am in doubt i take up my sword and as it rests in my hand i can feel the answer to my troubles.now however ever since my heart has broke nothing speaks to me not even my own sword .but when i held it to my chest to pierce through my already cut heart, altough it didnt tell me the answer to my truobles it told me that death wasnt. and i will always follow my sword.i am writing these words a broken man seeking any answer and any feedback.i just dont know what to do anymore,im so lost.tell me what youy think not what you feel.you cant apeal to my heart because i dont have it .alas its still with her. contact at boomslang1932@yahoo.com