Letter to Pancake (TW: Pet death/grieving)

This is a letter to my guinea pig, Pancake, who passed away 7/1/25.

Dear Pancake,

You left this world on July 1, 2025 after a brief illness and were cremated on July 3, 2025. I am sorry that I didn’t notice that you were sick sooner, such as when you stopped wheeking for food when I passed your room around dinnertime. The room was quiet whenever I walked by for a few days, and I thought it was because you were getting tired of my dinner selections. Maybe if I saw that as a sign sooner, you’d still be alive. I blame myself for not noticing the signs, since by the time anything was done you had a fever and were not eating or drinking.

It’s weird that I had to put you to sleep because it’s basically like I was ending your life, even though it was only because you were suffering. The vet said you were unstable and that even with their best interventions there wasn’t a guarantee that you would come back from everything that happened to you, so I had to make the tough decision to put you to sleep. Sometimes I worry that wherever you are, you’re upset with me for putting you to sleep instead of giving you a chance to fight it. But I also hope that maybe because you were so sick you appreciate the fact that you are no longer in pain and suffering. This was the worst decision I ever had to make and probably the worst part about being a pet owner in general. After all the love you give and receive, I had to make the ultimate decision and possibly the ultimate act of love.

They let me hold you and say my goodbyes, and it’s hard to know what to say in the moment when one minute you’re hoping the vet can save your life and in the next moment you find out that your pet is dying. I just gave you lots of kisses and told you how you were my pretty girl and such a good girl. And then they took you and sedated you and told me that they would give you back until you fell asleep. But the weird thing about guinea pigs is they can sleep with your eyes open, and your eyes were open the entire time I held you while you were sedated. So how am I supposed to know if and when you fell asleep? I’m scared that you truly weren’t asleep/sedated when they did whatever they had to do to put you to sleep. You couldn’t feel anything, right? You weren’t scared?

I’m stuck on the fact that this isn’t fair. It’s not fair, it’s not fair, it’s not fair. You were 4 ½ years old so I know you were older, but you could have had at least a few more years left in you. I imagined you living to at least six or seven, and you still acted so young. You were spicy, biting people and leaving marks, and giving the groomer such a hard time. You didn’t put up with French Toast’s nonsense and put her in her place.

But it’s. Not. Fair. You had never, ever been sick before except for a little eye infection when I first got you that cleared up with eye drops. This is your first time being sick, and it kills you? This is your first time being sick and you stop eating and go into stasis, your temperature rises to a level that could cause permanent organ damage, and you’re just so lethargic and suffering? I know you tried so, so hard to fight this, even if it was just to make me happy. You took your medicine like a good girl and we sat at the table trying to do emergency feeds even though it was so hard to get the food in the syringe. But you tried taking at least a little bit for me. Thank you for trying to get better for me, even though it didn’t work out. Please know that I am not mad at you because you didn’t make it. I’m proud of you for trying but I’m also proud of you for letting me know that your body had enough. You’re my brave and strong little girl.

I’ll miss the way you shared food with me. The picture of you where you had watermelon all over your mouth is saved on the home screen of my phone. It was just so cute seeing you with your red chin. You loved eating fruits, and it was great being able to give them to you as treats. You loved food in general, even if you weren’t chonky like Frenchy. I’ll miss how on the couch you would lay either curled up like a croissant or stretched out like a long gorl. And you’d give big yawns. I loved when I caught your yawns on camera because they’re just so cute.

I went to the animal shelter the Sunday after you died. It was a decision that I went back and forth on because I was afraid it was too soon and I wasn’t grieving in the right way. But, I was also worried about French Toast getting lonely and depressed since you were her sister and had been there her entire life. I swear I wasn’t over it yet, and I’m still not over it, even though I do feel a little lighter now that your ashes are home with me and things are more finalized. I’m not “over it” yet and still have moments where I think “oh, she’s gone.”

But, I saw the little girl piggy on the Humane Society’s website, and around the same time I saw a post on Facebook that says your departed animals sometimes “send” another one to you when you need it most. Something made me want to look. I expected to find either all boys or girls that were in bonded pairs that couldn’t be separated. But then I came across Alice (now named Waffle) and fell in love.

I just want to reassure you that Waffle is NOT a replacement for you, either in my heart or French Toast’s. That’s the reason why I was worried it was too soon and that I jumped into owning a new guinea pig too fast. I bet French Toast still misses annoying you like sisters do, even though she seems to be getting along well with Waffle (I introduced them today). I bet Waffle would have loved you if she knew you too, even though you’re spicy and would have put her in her place if she got too playful.
You’re home with me now. I got your ashes and paw prints about a week after you died. Your urn is really tiny, and it’s weird that someone so potato-shaped could be reduced to that small amount of ashes. I knew I needed your ashes though because even though it’s hard to have them, I felt like not getting your ashes would be like abandoning you, and I would never leave you. I know you’ll be in my heart forever, but I also want to hold you when I get sad or miss you and be reminded that you’re always with me.

I know this won’t be the last time I see you. One day we’ll be reunited and I’ll be sure to give you a ton of kisses on the top of your little head, even though you only tolerated me doing that.
I’ll miss you forever, but I’m glad for all the lessons I learned from you and the great times we had.

I’ll love you forever,
Dez