Eh, this kinda falls under my depression, right? I mean, some of my depression does stem from my incredibly low opinion of myself.
And as much as I hate to admit it, two things I hate about myself are my appearance and my weight. It's not like I'm overweight, either. In fact, I'm well-within the healthy weight range. But it's still something I hate. And I also hate that I can point exactly where this stuff comes from- it's the media. I don't even consume that much media. And I'd love to practice what I preach as a feminist- body acceptance, but I can't. And that just makes me feel worse about myself.
It's really the main thing weighing me down besides being at "home" and wanting to cut again. I mean, there are lots of other things I hate about myself, too, but none of them contribute as much as my appearance does. I'd love to convince myself that I don't care- I did, for a while. But my parents have been nagging me about my weight (nothing new) and it's shattered my illusion that I was okay with who I am.
I just feel so lousy about myself. And I'm kind of working myself into more depression because of this.
Isn't it terrible that I've considered starving myself? I know the health risks and yet there's this part of me (which I suspect resides very close to the part of me that tells me to cut) that tells me I should do it. That I'm too fat. Too ugly.
It's hard to enjoy things when half my thoughts are about self-loathing.
Hey there. I'm sorry your struggling right now
I know what you mean, because I have the same feelings. I understand the wanting to starve, but you don't want to go down that road hun. Trust me. You got to block those feelings out and try and enjoy life. I know its hard now, but it WILL get better. Stay strong <3
PM me if you need anything or wanna talk sometime.
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I've struggled some with this too, and I completely understand when your parents nag you about this stuff. The thing to keep in mind about the media (and you may not realize how much you're actually exposed to) is that it isn't real, most people are an unrealistic size and/or computerized/airbrushed etc. Nobody really looks like that, please don't try to hold yourself to that standard, the people in the media don't even hold themselves to that because that isn't them. Second, I know it's a pain when your parents nag you about your weight, but if you're within the healthy weight range, try your best to tune them out. What they're saying has more to do with them than you. If it's really a concern for you (healthy range or otherwise) speak to your doctor at your next appointment. Please do not starve yourself. You're right when you say it comes from the same part of you that tells you to cut and even though you know all the risks, once you start it can be really hard to stop.
Member Since: September 19, 2007
LHO: March 31, 2008- October 13, 2012
Associate LHO October 13, 2012
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Thanks for the support. I feel a little better right now, but I know that it'll come up again. Particularly from my close proximity to my mom right now. I know the media isn't real, too. It's why I feel stupid.
I don't really think I'd have the willpower to starve myself, at least. Also my parents would notice. Probably the only good part about being "home"- I have to take care of myself. Physically, anyway.