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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Smokey Offline
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Unhappy Any ideas? - July 15th 2012, 06:37 PM

So I don't want to give my life story but background needs to be presented. Basically I had a stutter when I was little and was a fat kid. Needless to say, I got bullied a good lot. This essentially made me semiparanoid that I'd be the butt of some joke or prank. Throughout my life, I've had a small bit of Manic depression. I don't go from Angry ready to kill to happy in an instant, but at random times I'll feel like total shit, not wanting to go on. I can be having a great day, happy as all hell, and then immediately just feel the blues. I've called this sensation Manic Melancholy. Puberty rolled around and I evened out. I lost a lot of weight, weight shifted, and I gained a bit of confidence. I (almost) beat the stutter and was more social. I asked out some girls, and got rejected every single time, pretty much stripping my confidence. When freshman year of high school rolled around, I was so blue that I went to kill myself. I walked into a room with my three closest friends in the world and a kitchen knife. I asked them for three reasons not to do it and they couldn't give me one. Since that day, my mood swings have become hasher and harsher. I smoke weed to get my mind off and try to be happy but sometimes I just feel like absolute shit. I'm extremely nervous when dealing with the fairer sex (Not gay). If I want to ask a girl out, I usually talk to her, work up confidence, walk over, tap her on the shoulder or some such, immediately pussy out making up some bullshit about homework or something, walk away like a jackass, buy a gram and smoke away. I try to eat well and try to eat vegetarian (let's be totally honest, steak is delicious), I've been working out of late, and living a healthier lifestyle. I have a bit of a pot belly but I'm overall healthy. I'm 275 and 6'4 so I always feel like the smaller, more fit guys have more sway. Lately, I've been crashing, thinking that I'm doomed to this. Is there some way I can zonk myself out without weed, not be a total pussy, walk up to a girl and ask her out with some degree of confidence? I can explain more if you want, but this is the basics of it all. Thanks for reading if you did, if not that's cool too. -Smokey
   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Any ideas? - July 15th 2012, 08:49 PM

Hey there,

I'm sorry that you've been through all this and it's good that you've come for help by yourself.

I'm trying not to be preachy here, but weed and other drugs can have side effects such as paranoia and anxiety (such as your nerves with girls) and depression, so smoking weed or doing drugs or drinking too much alcohol won't exactly help how you're feeling. Being totally zonked can seem like an attractive option, believe me I know, but in the long term, it's not so good :/ So it's good that you've come for help to avoid that option.

It seems to me that you're already on the road to a better, healthier life anyway. You don't need to be a vegetarian to be healthy, a balanced diet means a healthy amount of everything, including steak Girls are very unpredictable, sometimes we just need a friend to be there for us, other times we'll want more, you just have to be patient and caring. You don't need to rush into things. If you're having trouble with relationships you should check out the relationships and dating forum. I can give you some tips if you want some, so PM me if you ever need to

When a tree falls in the forest and nobody is around to hear it, does it make a sound? Of course. Just because you're not there it doesn't make it any less true. The whole point of that question was that it paved the way for this statement;

Just because you can't think of a reason to live, it doesn't mean there isn't one.

This is the thought that's kept me going for the past two years. You've got a fututre, if you decided to commit suicide, your reason to live would be lost, your future IS your reason to live. That's how I see it, because no matter how bad things get, they will get better.

Confidence is key, ever heard that before? It's true. If you become more confident, girls will see that, but it shouldn't matter, because some girls like shy guys anyways.

But yeah, I hope I helped, take care and stay strong. PM me if you ever need anymore advice or help
Anna


I am not afraid to keep on living
I am not afraid to walk this world alone



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  (#3 (permalink)) Old
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Unhappy Re: Any ideas? - July 15th 2012, 10:39 PM

Truth be told I didn't, my friend twisted my arm to get this. She was worried about me and practiced a bit of tough love. I know, I want to quit smoking dope but it just makes me forget reality for a bit and get through (It was a good friend in my first period classes). I don't binge drink/smoke (I think) and if I do it's scarcely that I do it anyway. If I can't zonk myself out, just to lift out of the blues, what can I do to feel better overall, so that when I crash, I don't feel like a total worthless sack of shit? I eat vegetarian mostly because of a health problem my family has. Basically when we hit our mid-late teens, an enzyme that digests salts and greases, mainly found in meat, degenerates and causes us not to be able to eat without puking and finally readjusts and regenerates in our mid twenties. I don't want to rush in, nor do I want a "chick," I just want a girl I can chill out and be with, if that makes sense. Someone to just have to lean on and to be there when they need someone. However, I'm 17 and have never been on a date, it makes me lose faith in being able to find that one person. On finding a reason, there is always one that is clear I just can't find it what so ever. If I do live, what if the future isn't worth living for? What if I get to the end of the journey, find myself in the same place, and again come to the point of "I'm here, wasting resources" and feel the same? I lack self confidence in every sense of the word, if I didn't I most likely wouldn't be here. Thanks for the help, and I might take you up on your offer. -Smokey
   
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Re: Any ideas? - July 16th 2012, 12:04 AM

Hey... So this may be bad advice since it doesn't even rlly work for me but... I try to find the smallest things but happy things in the nearish future to look forward for... For u it could be getting that first date or a gf, or losing even more weight, or anything u want, it could be a movie u want to see or a goal u have... As for the smoking I totally get that... Anything that helps us forget reality helps but overall it's a bad thing to do... Something u could do is write or read fantasy ... Create a world where u wish u were n make the main character the u you wish u were... I hoped this might help, pm me if u ever want to talk
   
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Re: Any ideas? - July 16th 2012, 12:38 AM

Every little bit helps, thanks. I'm, as aforementioned, the cowardly lion and Oz is a cruel fucking place.
   
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Re: Any ideas? - July 16th 2012, 04:46 PM

Hey, it's me again

It doesn't matter if you came here on your own or if you were kinda forced into it, the point is you're here and you want to quit, right? So it's still a good thing that you're here. I get the whole not wanting to be in reality thing, seriously, I did drugs for ages just to get away from life, so I could get through, like you. Yeah, stopping is hard because you'll always want to go back to it when things get hard so you can escape but when you do stop using you feel happy because you've accomplished something.

There's other way that you can escape reality, ways that aren't a hazard to your health, like some people get lost in music, writing, sports, you just have to find something for you, you can go to it when you want to escape which stops you using and you won't feel worthless. There's other methods too, you could eliminate time in which you could use, for example get a job, go volunteering, go out with friends, that kind of thing. If you do get a job or volunteer, you'll feel like you've accomplished something so you don't feel as bad. You can always get help, you know, from a doctor, counsellor or a trusted parent, teacher or friend. The professionals like the counsellor can help you with you manic melancholy, maybe prescibe drugs if you've got a problem and generally help you through it.

You're only 17, you haven't even lived half the average life span of a human, how can you make judgements on what hasn't happened yet? It's like saying the football team played shit, but the game isn't till next weekend, so how could you know? Do you get what I mean?

There's always a reason to live, even small reasons can turn into bigger ones, like friendship can sometimes turn into more. You've got your whole life ahead of you. Don't ever think you're a waste, everyone has a skill, everyone is good at something and is needed for something. There's always choices in life that you can make, and different paths that you can choose, why not do something different? Why not learn how to do something bizzare, you're only 17, you could get really good at something, like you could become a pilot, for example, and be a useful asset to the world, you know? Your life is always worth living because there's always someone that misses you, that loves you.

Please do take me up on the offer. I'm here to help, so go for it

Stay strong,
Anna


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I am not afraid to walk this world alone



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Re: Any ideas? - July 17th 2012, 02:52 AM

I always feel like I'm wasting time/money. I just try to think about reasons not to just end it and come up blank. I'm a big guy who doesn't like sports and can't play an instrument (I've tried multiple times on multiple instruments) I tried to write, but the only poem I wrote I got laughed at and it was torn up in my face, and I haven't tried since then. I've tried a variety of activities but each time I either am no good or worse fuck them up. I'd like to believe that but I just don't feel it. I feel most of my friends *tolerate* me around, my dad is never home, I live in my brother's shadow. I'm just not worth the time, resources and have no place.
   
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Re: Any ideas? - July 17th 2012, 06:41 AM

Listen, you always have a place. If you ended your life, do you not think that we would miss you? Yeah, we may all just be a group of teenagers online, but that still doesn't mean that we don't care. Every life matters. Even yours. And it may not seem like you've got any special talents, nothing to pursue. But we aren't just born with greatness. We achieve it. I've begun to practice drawing and the arts. Am I completely awesome? Um, no. I suck. Yet, that's the great artist's struggle. You start out sucky, but you practice and practice every day until you slowly improve. You draw from still life, so when you get really good, you can finally start drawings robots and unicorns fighting off polar bears. Basically, with most things, you have to start off slow and simple until you really get to the awesomeness of it.

But you don't need to be extremely good at the acoustic guitar, or have extensive vocabulary and use every trope whilst writing. Just cause one person was crappy enough to rip up your one attempt at poetry doesn't mean you suck at it. It means that person is just really crappy. Listen to some releasing songs to help you vent and gain confidence. I owe my life to Evanescence, and I owe my self-confidence to Lady Gaga (two completely different artists, lol).

As for the "brother's shadow" - I know all about that. My brother is that extremely social, incredibly talented and smart ladies man. Me? I'm so socially awkward, a video game nerd, not too smart, and I'm terrible with the opposite gender. Yet, somehow, people like me. Meaning, you're not going to be alone forever either. Forget those stupid "dickweeds." A girl might not like you at first, but she can really grow to be attracted to you. It happens all the time. And the "pussy out" situation? Maybe you could find something to really inspire or motivate you. Whenever I go to talk to a guy I like or I go to stand up to somebody, I always sings "Marry the Night" and "Born This Way" in my head, both by Lady Gaga. Because those songs truly motivate and inspire me to really be me, and not let a few, "No"s get in the way of my happiness.

You may not know your place in life now, but you will. You are not worthless. You are not a waste of space or time or money. You are wonderful. You are beautiful. You are unique. You are a great guy, a great person, a reason to live. You are someone worth fighting for. Because I'm fighting for you right now, aren't I? I'm fighting for you to see the light inside of you, even it it's veiled by darkness right now (darkness that really isn't so dark). Because, baby, you were Born This Way. <3
   
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Re: Any ideas? - July 17th 2012, 10:20 AM

Hello there,

I'm going to be completely direct as to what I think:

I can clearly see you have a kind of self - esteem problem from what you write. Girls will always reject you if they sense that you have self - doubts. What you should do to begin with is clean yourself up. It will better your image, along with your self - esteem. Firstly, stop smoking weed. Trust me, that is NEVER a good idea; it doesn't matter that it's not addictive, one thing leads to another. Secondly, keep working out! Not to lose weight, but because you'll start feeling better about yourself! At 6'4 275 pounds, you've got great size! I'm 5'7, so you've definitely got me feeling jealous! If you get really fit/toned, you'll be having girls ask you out instead!

About the knife incident, it seems that your friends couldn't say anything because you surprised them. You obviously know more than me but if one of my friends showed up with a knife and threatened to kill himself unless I said 3 reasons why he shouldn't, I'd be pretty stumped too! It's unfortunate to hear about your incidents with bullying but we all know how cruel kids can be. I know it's hard to just tell you to get over it, but I just think you should know that you're passing that stage; now you should focus on being your own person so you can show those kids who's boss in the future.

As for your problem asking girls out, it all comes down to your confidence and self - esteem. Work on yourself first and everything will come into place.

Regards, Carpe Diem.


Carpe Diem: Seize the Day/Moment. -Horace

Veni, Vidi, Vici: I came, I saw, I conquered -Julius Caesar
   
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Re: Any ideas? - July 18th 2012, 01:58 AM

Samturtle - It sure doesn't feel that way...I practice at things and still remain shitty, almost the same as when I started. I think that they had a point in ripping it up, I still have it and looking back it wasn't any good anyway I feel. Too bad, but sometimes you're the pigeon sometimes the statue. As for brothers, we share a lot I haven't seen a girl grow attracted yet, hampers my confidence in the matter. On the final comment, I'm doubtful but thanks

Carpe Diem - Thanks for the brutal honesty, you hit the nail right on the head. I'm trying to stop smoking, this is my fourth day clean. I'm no dumbass hippy either, that shit is addictive and a drug even if not overly harmful. I was working out for the first time in ever, but I hurt my feet badly running from the cops when they busted a party (1/8 of a mile through thorns barefoot. *not* fun.) I want to, if you have any exercises/tips to get fit/toned/jacked/whatever I'm all ears! On the knife incident, these guys knew me better than anyone else in the world, surely they would've been able to give three reasons. Bullies stink but it stopped after I hit puberty. I may be a large sack of shit, but in a world of 5'10 kids, 6'4 being the seventh tallest in the school, bullying has lessened in ferocity even if not in totality from sheer size. Any and all tips help.

To everyone who has answered and will answer - Thanks. This all has helped me more than I could've possibly imagined. When I made this post I was staring down a tall glass of liquor and a good bit of aspirin, hoping to do the deed. This means so much and thank you
-Smokey
   
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Re: Any ideas? - July 18th 2012, 03:55 AM

Just ensure that these negative emotions you're feeling aren't getting the best of you. I totally suck at art, yet I still keep striving. Some days, though, I feel completely depressed and then I begin to believe that I'll get nowhere, that I might as well give up because I'll never compare to other amazing artists. That's why you have to watch out; your emotions can trick you. They can make you believe something you're not, whether you think you're the greatest thing since sliced bread, or if you believe you deserve nothing but death. It happens on both ends of the spectrum.

But I'm glad I helped, even just a little. c:
HUZZAH FOR ZEE TEENHELP!!
   
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Re: Any ideas? - July 19th 2012, 02:13 PM

True, and thanks
   
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