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doomtech1 Offline
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Name: Josh Deione
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Ive lost my sense of self =/ - July 20th 2012, 08:09 AM

I just wanted to start off saying im depressed and have been since about 10th grade is when it started to really be bad.I remember taking either RITALIN or CONCERTA for my add that i was diagnosed with, i was prescribed medication and took it every morning after a while it made me have NO energy and honestly depressed and have no life in me so i stop taking it. I remember me and my parents always fighting because of bad grades when i was a kid and i remember even being scared to see them and go home. The divorce of my parents occured through out my childhood and id always see them arguing and it felt as if i had to choose sides and when i did i was betraying the other parent, $#%^ sucked.. I also remember i was in a relationship pretty much my first love, easiest way to say it is that things didnít work out and i ended up feeling as if something was wrong with me and i just wasnt good enough. My mind is just all black and when i try to think of something its really faint pictures and it honestly takes alot of effort. I also feel like in everyday life im on autopilot mode even know im concious and i understand and control the actions i act upon, its not like i have no control because i do, its just the state of mind that im not all there and half of me is honestly shut down somewhere and its just another me even thought its the same one if that makes sense. i dont feel emotions as intense as i used to it feels like its being blocked by a barrier in my body and i just cant reach deep inside me. I also had a brief period of about 8 months where i was suffering from derealization and minor DP where i felt life was a dream which ive learned to live with and it doesnt bother me anymore, and i had minor DP in the sense where i would feel my body once in a while feel like its floating away and above my torso. I havenít felt those in a while but ever since i moved in with my dad and have gotten kicked out ive been questioning myself, my ego and who i really am. And once i start thinking about that it starts, i feel like im in the wrong body and as if thereís just another side of me shut down and as if my thoughts werent my own but i know its me and its me saying these things. Itís just very confusing. Sometimes wen i look in the mirror its scary as $#%^ because sometimes i dont recognize myself and question if what im feeling is whats really in the mirror and i cannot link it together. It seriously sucks and it feels like im about to lose control and any given moment even tho i know im not. When i think of myself i dont have a good picture of who i am spiritually or physically, i seriously have no clueÖ i feel like im stuck in my thoughts and in my own misery and im just living life by the motions and movements, ive kind of learned to notice it and let it pass me but sometimes it gets the best of me and i def get the $#%^ scared out of me. Iím just wondering what this could be and if there was a name for it? thanks so much

id also like to add that i have very low self esteem, and when i mean low i mean #######5 to the floor low. People tell me i am very attractive, but i just dont believe it, i cant even picture myself in my head when i try, even tho i know how i look like its just a different picture.. when i also think in my head of who i really am i just get psyched out like disconnected, like i know who i am but for a split second if feel as if it isnt me and im just in another state of mind for a second, my ego and self feel disconnected from my body and thoughts if that makes sense, what people described of as "MYSELF/EGo/ONES INNER SELF" i feel it but it feels just compressed and not 100% i cant explain it, it was scary as $#%^ in the beginning but ive learned to look at myself in the mirror and just say be strong, this is who i am and this is my body.. it kind of helps but i mean the feeling and state of mind isnt gone. I live a normal life by the way, nobody knows how i feel i keep it bottled inside my head and just keep thinking and thinking on and on questioning myself and my thoughts.. any comments regarding what this might be will help me so much thanks
   
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Re: Ive lost my sense of self =/ - July 21st 2012, 04:38 PM

I think what you have is caused by stress/anxiety. Try to calm down all that worry. And I've also heard that if you just accept the derealization/depersonalization, it'll eventually go away. Don't worry; It doesn't last forever.
I'll pray for you!
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"Be strong and bold; have no fear or dread of them, because it is the LORD your God who goes with you; he will not fail you or forsake you." (Deut. 31:6 NRSV of the Bible)
   
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