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xLaurax Offline
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In need of serious help. - July 29th 2012, 01:19 AM


I sort of need... a bit of talking to, I suppose? I don't know.

I'm very unhappy, basically. I wake up every morning in literal physical agony, and I don't know what to do anymore. My dad and sister know I'm unhappy, and I've tried explaining to them how I feel, but they don't understand. They don't understand how I feel when I wake up in the morning; when I open my eyes and the knot in my stomach is weighing me down; when I move and my joints ache purely because I'm still breathing.

I've tried telling my sister how much physical pain I'm in, but she doesn't understand that it's my depression and not something else. They try to tell me to stay strong and that things will get better and that they'll make changes to make me happy, but they don't understand that that won't work.

I remember being a young child (around 4) and locking myself in the bathroom for hours, crying because I didn't understand why I couldn't laugh or smile like the other kids. Every day since birth I've opened my eyes in the morning and wished I hadn't, and God, I'm so tired of it.

The things people tell me don't help at all.
"You're beautiful."
That doesn't matter to me.
"Things will get better."
So much time has passed since I've heard that one. Nothing's changed.
"You've got so many people who care about you."
I know I do. That doesn't make me feel any better.

The typical 'feel good' advice just makes me angry, because no one seems to understand how selfish they're being by asking me to stay alive. Is there truly a point in living if you're in physical pain? Mental agony? Why should I continue to live when I don't recall ever being alive in the first place?

I've felt like this for so long. For so, so long, but they don't understand why. And I don't, either. All I know is that I'm at the pinnacle of human anguish, and each breath is painful. I've been harming myself for a long time now, and my body is filled with scars. I don't want to leave the house or even see my family anymore because I don't want them to see.

I don't want my family to hurt. I want to stay alive for them. But I honestly don't think I can. When I say there's nothing in this life for me, I'm not being a silly teenager, and I'm not experiencing dramatic teenage mood swings.

Is it possible for me to get better? Can a girl who has lived as an empty shell for as long as she can remember truly achieve happiness? It doesn't feel like it.
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purplemask Offline
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Re: In need of serious help. - July 29th 2012, 02:11 AM

I agree with you, you do need help. Can you talk to a counselor or a lcsw? they may be able to help, and sometimes people simply have a chemical imbalance, and medication really is the key to changing your life. Other times, therapy alone can change your pattern of thinking, and allow you to see life in a new light. I was depressed my entire life, since I was a little girl, for no real good reason. I came from a upper middle class home, my parents were married and loved each other and their children very much, my brother and i got along, etc. Regardless, I was just so tired of life, so unhappy. I went through long periods of self injury. It really didn't get better until I went to a psychologist. We did cognitive behavioral therapy and I started an antidepressant and it completely changed my life. I do have very down days sometimes, and my life isn't perfect or ideal, but I'm stable, I have a few friends, and life is much easier to handle. Good luck, don't give up.
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Palmolive Offline
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Re: In need of serious help. - July 29th 2012, 04:28 PM

Hi there.

Im really sorry you're going through such a hard time right now, things sound really rough for you. I think its great you've come to us for some help and advice.

because no one seems to understand how selfish they're being by asking me to stay alive

I can relate to what you mean by this but you have to see that its because they care. You could also look at it from the point of you killing yourself being selfish because of the pain and hurt you would put the people who love you through. I think sometimes people are encouraged to live for others (more in the short term) because it gives them a goal to get better for and can, for some people help them recover.

Im going to say what you dont want to hear. That this will get better and that if you work hard and stay determind, you will get there and you will get out of this. I am not saying its going to be easy but I am saying it is possible and that you wont always feel this way. Why? Because depression is curable. With therapy and medication, people beat depression or they can at least manage it so that they can live a happy and some what 'normal' life.

Do you currently have any support in place? Its great htat your family is there for you and if talking to them helps in any way, then carry on doing so but seeking professional help might help you as well. It might be that therapy/counselling will really have a positive inpact on you. But its hard work. You have to attend the sessions, learn the straergies and then put them into place outside of your sessions too.

I also just wanted to let you know that we're always here for you if you ever need anyone to talk to about anything. You're not on your own and you can do this so keep fighting.


"Only in the dark, can you see the stars..."
Josie 12/3/2014, always in my heart. Sue 19/2/2016; Peter, Ellie, Hannah, Andy, Kirtsie RIP.

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