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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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Unanimous Offline
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I dont know anymore.. - August 5th 2012, 02:03 AM

I guess I have to start a story from the beginning. Well I was a starter fullback in Arizona (freshman highschool), had many friends, many girls that liked me, and I was happy. I enjoyed life every day. Then we moved to New Mexico and I became depressed for a year and had maybe four friends. Found this new Highschool coming up and I just wanted a fresh start. So eventually i settled in and met a lot of friends. I met this girl and we hit it off really quickly. I was 15 and we started "doing it" and eventually she had gotten pregnaut. I was scared but eventually I got my GED, started working fulltime, and as soon as my son was born, Augest 31 2011 10:16 pm I was the happiest person in the world. I couldnt of been happier. We had many many many things planned, like his first birthday, disneyland trips, family get togethers, it was going to be amazing! Then in January 8 2012, he passed away from SIDS. I hated god and balmed him. It was my first sunday off and i had my boys Tim Tebow (our favorite player) jersey out for the game. We never watched it. I had done cpr and everything i could, but we just couldn't do anything. I could not stop crying, I couldn't do anything. My whole world had been taken from me. Trying to better myself, a month after his funeral, I tryed to get back into work. But all i could think about is my son. I was going insane, every day I would go into my room and cry, later play video games. But one day in Feburary, I was driving with my mom from work because i still needed training. I wanted to get something to eat so we stopped at a fast food place. I wasnt aware going through the drive through was so narrow and scratched the side of the car. My mom flipped and from there it all went down hill. Holding my feelings in for so long, i went to my room telling both my mom and dad to fuck off, I never want to hear you talk to me again, fuck you. They called my girlfriend asking to try and calm me down, and when she called i told her to leave me alone. Eventually saying I just want it all over. I dont want this anymore. I need to end it. She immidietly called my mom and i locked myself in. They tryed to open it but I told them to leave me alone, and that I dont need to talk to anyone. The next day we sat and talked and I started to see a counsler. I asked my mom if it would be ok if I went to Arizona for a month or so, to try and calm myself and take myself out of the area for a while. Well, wasnt long before something else happened in my shitty life. Me and my cousins had been hanging out all day long and I guess my girl cousin was mad at me for messing around and spashing in the pool just messing around. Nothing juvinial there. We are upstairs playing video games and she refuses to even look at me, i continue to ask whats wrong, but she wont talk to me. She ignores me for a while and goes to the bathroom. Staying in there for 30 minutes. She comes out and me and my other cousin ask what's wrong, and she says very quietly nothing. Later, while we arent paying attention she leaves downstairs. At about 30 minutes I ask my cousin where my other cousin is at. He has no idea. So we continue playing video games and all I hear from their dad is "---- There is someone here for you." And its 2 police officers. I was like what the fuck is going on? They told me I was being charged with child melestation. I could not believe what I had just heard, I was so shocked, I just like, what the fuck? They ask my side of the story, i say WHAT SIDE?? WE PLAYED VIDEO GAMES ALL DAY! I didnt have a side, I had no idea what had just happened. Eventually i was placed in a group home for a few days until i was brought home to California because we just moved there. Now everynight I cant think of anything other than killing myself. I hear voices in my head other than myself saying whats the point. I hear a demon in my head telling me its over just kill yourself. I cant help but to see they are starting to become true. I cannot do this anymore. I hear them everynight before i sleep. I try to fall asleep but i can feel my body heating up as if i had burned in a fire. Im 17 and I dont know anymore..
   
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Collies R Us Offline
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Re: I dont know anymore.. - August 5th 2012, 04:47 AM

I'm sorry...a teen shouldn't have to grieve like that. That is terrible and depressing and...I'm sorry for your loss. I bet you're sick of hearing that...

Please don't kill yourself. Think of your girlfriend and your parents. And you can still marry your girlfriend and have more kids...I'm really not good in this area because I don't have a child, so I can't truly imagine your pain, but maybe it would get better. Just wait a few more years so you don't lose another kid.

As for the child melesting charges...ouch, that stinks. Just tell the truth...If you didn't do anything what evidence would they have against you? Hang in there!

Do you believe in God? Just a question...But you can trust that your son is up there in heaven...maybe one day you'll join him. Some things happen to make you stronger...Bare through the storm and you may find a rainbow...Ah, too many cheesy sayings. I apologize.

Prayin' for you.
- Collies R Us aka Ally


"Be strong and bold; have no fear or dread of them, because it is the LORD your God who goes with you; he will not fail you or forsake you." (Deut. 31:6 NRSV of the Bible)
   
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