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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
LDRSurvivor Offline
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Age: 24
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Unhappy Stress stress stress stress... - August 23rd 2012, 02:34 AM

Eh hehe... Let me start by just saying how odd this is for me personally. I am the person that hides and holds in all of my feelings, never breaking down, and hiding all of my shit behind the mask. Yet, here I am, under a alias to post my heart out and hope someone can help me.
I hope I am doing nothing wrong. I just... Well, I could really use some help if anyone is willing.


In all truth, I would consider myself more lonely than depressed, but all the feelings just mush together, so I guess it works.
Let me introduce myself- I am seventeen, just started Senior year of High School two weeks ago. I have diabetes, celiac disease, and Wolff-Parkinsons-White-Syndrome. I bottle up my emotions. I only ask for help when I am already breakig down. I am stubborn and obsessed with not showing weakness.
And I am here to scream out help. Please help me.

I am a very anxiety prone person. I do not get panic attacks or anything, but I am very often tense and worry about everything. I always put my friends before me. I would throw myself in front of a train if to save one of my friends or family. I have no self esteem. I tear myself down as often as the actions of those around me try to bring me up.

Yet I found love. I am in love with the man of my dreams even though he lives states away from me. Thus why I chose LDRSurvivor as my username. It may be long distance for now, but he is moving down here for me in only a few short years at the latest.
He is my best friend and the thing that completes me after my life of disappointment and several crushing heart breaks. He is the one I will spend the rest of my life with.
But he is away. US Military Basic Training. I will have no contact besides three or so minutes of phone every Saturday and a handful of letters until October.*
I am torn in two because of this. I might be a teenager, but I am no fool. He means the world to me and I am his. The last time I spoke to him his voice was so broken, he is taking training harshly so far. But I know he will come through. He is more than strong enough.
But I am not so well off. Despite our relationshit not being longer than two months, he is already the light of my life. He has been gone exactly fourteen days today and I am going mad with worry and sarrow. I feel sick- the horrible empty lonliness inside me feelig as if someone has ripped my entrails out. I am strewn all across the room and my heart feels dead most of the time. I clutch the only two letters I have from him close to my chest, read our skype conversations over and over, listen to music we both love, and day dream about jumping into his arms for the first time- but nothing compares to the misery I felt when the school year started.
*I cannot tell any of my friends about our relationship because they would judge me for meeting someone online; only my best friend knows, and two other trustworthy people. But keeping the secret while going through school is eating me alive. Everytime someone calls someone with his name, my insides shrivel up a little. Anything as small as a song he knows playing in a classroom can set me off. I shut down, trembling but holding back the tears. I do not show any emotion on my face, just enduring class until I can run away from the hell hole.
I miss him so much. I have done research to try and help releive the lonliness and worry, but I just cannot seem to distract myself. I draw and write out my feelings, both made to be given to him when he gets back, but I have done 5+ pages of this and I cannot do that every day for the whole year. Every morning I wake up yearning him and then go to bed needing him, too stubborn to ask for help or actually talk to anyone.

I am an ex cutter. From 7th grade to 10th grade, I cut. Bad. I was scaring myself near the end.*
Ended up being a girl in my class comitting suiside to snap me outta it.
I have slipped up three or four times since then, but I still think like a cutter. If things become too much for me, I instinctively start to scratch at my skin or pick at a fingernail til it bleeds. Any kind of pain to distract. Last time I messed up was a few weeks ago, long since healed, but I fear slipping into that cycle again if I cannot control my stress and depression. I could easily aquire another blade and I do not trust myself at this point.
I normally do vent art, but lately my mom has threatened me to vent in 'healthier' ways. Someone is also trolling me on an online site I help admin, insulting my art, and I have lost a lot of my faith in it.

There is more, but I dont want to put too much at once. I would just like any help with my stress.*
I feel so goddly awful alone. Aleinated. And heart broken.
   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
Anonimous Offline
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Re: Stress stress stress stress... - August 24th 2012, 03:36 AM

Hey,

I can't say i know how you feel because i don't. But i do recognize certain aspects of what you are saying.
I am happy for you that you found the man of your dreams, I really hope you will spend the rest of your life with him. But you need to keep going to make that happen. And ofcourse cutting yourself is a very bad way to keep going. I done it, My life is partly ruined now. Can't go swimming or do any martial arts(wich i love) without people noticing. I guess it is the same for you. Anyways, Maybe you should go see a therapist? Or find someone to talk with about your stress and worries. You can pm me also if you want. In any case, I wish you the best
   
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Name: Jamie Shorrock
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Re: Stress stress stress stress... - August 24th 2012, 12:24 PM

I can relate to you. I met this guy through a friend though, we spent weeks talking, texting til early morning, I thought I'd found the real thing and I was hurting so much that I couldn't snuggle into his arms. He'd send me photos of where he lived, trying to show me his life. I still have his photos on my phone which I flick through when I remember him. I miss him like hell and I'm glad that you've found someone you can be with, relate with and be with, whom you are happy to grow old with.
It might seem hard but just preoccupy yourself with other things. Keep your mind away from the pain of being away from him. Treasure those few moments you have with him. Never let yourself sink back into old habits, because you will regret it for the rest of your life. I hope you guys do stay together, many couples meet online and they are happy until death.
All the best LDRSurvivor, but if you ever want to talk, just message me, I'm happy to help or be an "ear" for others.
   
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