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Heartbound Offline
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Name: Anthony
Age: 28
Gender: Male
Location: Silent Hill

Posts: 1
Join Date: August 24th 2012

Story of my life.. - August 24th 2012, 09:35 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I have hardly any motivation to continue with my life.. I've attempted suicide many times in the past.. I guess I should tell my story.

It all started when I was 7. My mom left my real dad, because he cared more about his music career than us. Then comes the step dad.. I was always treated differently by him, compared to my sister. Since you know, it's his kid. Same mom, different dads.. Me get in an argument I was always the one in trouble..
Growing up around 9-10 years old? I raped by my neighbor who was my only friend at the time. This made it harder trusting others & making friends. I had a lugnut threw at my face from my stepdad when I was younger also. He knocked my front teeth out, but they wasn't my permanent teeth so it was okay.

Growing up me & my step dad fought verbally & physically. I was picked on in school a lot also. A lot of fights. No girl ever wanted to date me. When I was 14 I met a very pretty girl that was like me. Bad childhood, fights with dad, raped, outcast.. After a couple weeks of dating I found cuts on her arm. I found out she cut herself. We had a talk & she stopped for me. Her stepdad use to beat her & her mom.. I was only a kid then & so was she.. We never told anybody. We use to meet up at night & sneak out & just go somewhere..

I was usually out till 2-4am on schoolnights just running the roads, or laying in the park or something. So it made it easy for me to go see her. My parents didn't care about me running off all the time. Anyways the next time I see her she had a bruise & I find out it was because of me getting her in trouble for her sneaking out. So I felt bad & she tried to break up with me because she didn't always want to upset me but I wouldn't let her. A few days go by & then she turns up really happy one day. And she said her moms boyfriend left.

Here on out everything was perfect until one day I did something I'll never forgive myself for.. She wanted to have sex.. I was still young & didn't want to.. So I missed like 2-3 days of school. And come back one day & see her go in the back of the school kissing another boy. They went into the woods most likely to do something.. And I follow after a while & catch them having sex. I start yelling, the boy starts talking shit to me, & she just cries. Me & the boy get in a big fight. I end up throwing the boy off of me & look at her & tell the boy to have fun with the slut.

And walk off & she catches me walking off the school grounds & follows me & keeps trying to grab my hand & shit & I told her to fuck off. I told her shes a cold hearted bitch, just drop dead. I turn to walk off & I still remember this every day.. She comes up behind me & wraps her arms around my chest & tells me how I was the best thing to ever happen to her life & shes sorry she ruined everything & then ran off..

I stay home for about almost 2 weeks & finally go back to school. She's not there & 3 days go by & she still wasn't.. Even though she cheated on me I still loved her.. I wanted her back.. So I dropped by her house one day when I got out of school.. I find out she killed herself.. It didn't even feel real.. Everything sounded fuzzy, I got dizzy & ran off..

I quit eating, I had motivation to do nothing, I couldn't sleep..
Everytime I went to sleep I had a dream of me killing her. I ended up attempting suicide one day.. I climbed up high on a building & faced the edge with my back.. I remember closing my eyes & falling backwards & then nothing. I wake up with the taste of blood & a splitting headache. That was it.. I started laughing at the fact it's funny how people don't want to die, but they do. But when you finally want to, you can't.

I then thought of something to help me go on.. How betrayed did I feel when she killed herself? If I did the same I'd hurt family, loved ones, friends.. So I came up with the saying "If you can't live for yourself, live for your loved ones". This of course didn't help anything at school. I didn't go the last few days of school then junior high started next year. Upon coming back I dyed my hair black, wore tight clothes/had longer hair. I wasn't trying to be emo, but I guess you would stereotype it as that.

Get called faggot, ETC. One day the guy that fucked her was telling me how good it was, & shame you made the bitch kill herself ETC. I end up losing it & just tackling him & beating the shit out of him. After school I get jumped by him and 4-5 of his friends.. Just walking home from school & one comes up behind me & places his hand on the back of my head as he puts his foot infront of mine & trips & slams my face down into the concrete. They then take turns kicking me in the head, back, ribs etc. I blacked out for a little bit & when I came too I seen somebody kicking most of they're asses.

two of them on ground & 3 on him. I end up getting up & helping & we win. I make a new friend & we basically went through the entire school year of having eachothers back. After years of knowing eachother & then I met JJ.
We always fought & shit. But one day when he was really upset when his mom had a heart attack & he was scared the people he hung with didn't care.
Then I come over & act friendly & he couldn't understand why since he was always a dick to me. I just told him haha nah, I've ran into bigger dicks.
We ended up becoming good friends also.

Anyways it's time to head into highschool.. My best friend zach (the one that helped me in the fight) had to go to a different highschool.. JJ went to mine, but he changed.. Got into drugs, hanging with dicks, & preps girls etc. We wasn't really that close anymore. More fights happened of course in high school, no girls wanted anything to do with me, JJ was going to partys with all the popular people. I was failing/missing to many days. So ended up dropping out.

Was always home depressed, sometimes thought about suicide, never seen any friends. Either worked/has gf/ or still in school. Zach gets a gf for a long time & stops seeing me as much & I never really seen him anymore/hangs with JJ getting high. So I'm back to noone. Then I meet a girl online..

At first it's more cyber/ roleplaying ETC. But we start to like eachother.. I found out about her past ETC. We was extremely alike. We dated online for months.. Online every second together.. sleep on cam on skype ETC. Problem was she lievd in England.. She motivated me though.. I stopped attempting suicide, I quit having dreams about me killing my ex. (I use to hate myself so much I woke up choking myself in my sleep..) Then find out she gets raped one day why some guy.. I felt like shit.. Couldn't do anything to protect her, she wouldnt tell her parents.. Felt like my ex all over again.. So I got a job, I had motivation.. Almost a year goes by & I make $1,000 to go see her.

The plan was to get married so she could live in america with me.. Upon arriving & seeing her & hearing her sweet voice for the first time.. It was amazing.. No more waking up alone in bed, someone to hold, knowing someone cares for me this much, (I'm 21 at this point) She's 18. Anyways.. even though we did a lot of romantic stuff, she liked sex a lot.. It got to the point where it wasn't even romantic for me anymore.. So at times I wouldn't have sex.. And she got upset about that thinking she ain't good enough ETC..

then the time came I had to go back to America..

Later on while back in america she acts different, talks to guys that want to have sex with her etc. We end up fighting & breaking up & she wants to stay friends.. I found out she went to meet another guy after we broke up & she finally tells me it's the guy that raped her.. In the end the past repeats it's self.

It's Generation; Slut. After everything I did I wasn't good enough for her?
I'm a 21 year old drop out bumb, that either drinks himself to sleep or takes sleeping pills. living off of welfare in a shitty apartment of my own. Waking up alone while shes already got a new bf. Her birthday is in 5 days & I still got the engagement ring.. I have no motivation to stay alive..
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  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Name: Jamie Shorrock
Age: 22
Gender: Female
Location: Australia

Posts: 53
Blog Entries: 7
Join Date: August 23rd 2012

Re: Story of my life.. - August 24th 2012, 12:43 PM

Wow, it's so tragic and I'm sorry to read it. It's stories like yours which nearly bring me back from the brink of death.
Heartbound you are still young and you still have a full life, you will meet someone and she'll realise life wouldn't be worth living without you and you'll live with her without her letting you go.

It is actually sickening when the girl is sex-crazed and if the boy says no goes behind their back. I'm appalled with my gender. But, I suppose we can be the worst of two choices really and I'm suprised their aren't more gays whom are fed up with the way we behave -chuckles mildly-
Well, Heartbound, over facebook I am involved in Roleplaying, I'm Sebastian Michaelis off of Black Butler and I enjoy meeting people overseas, seeing how big a difference there is between Aussies and everything else. I have met two guys over internet and both ended, rather horribly, I must say. I was the one who said no and both boasted that they had girls who could give them everything they wished for. I'm one of few my age who aren't into drugs (well, I'm into prescription drugs), or smoking (used to, can't get my hands on them anymore) but both were necessary for me. To deal with pain, to try and figure out where the darkness ends. You'll find the light, keep strong Heartbound, you'll make it. There is always an outcome, even if you wouldn't expect the certain outcome which is placed in front of you. I know its hard to deal with sometimes, but you just have to look, sought it out and you'll find it. Don't try and kill yourself again, it's not worth it. (I am a hypocrite in this sense, I can dish it out but I can't take it in. Eating my words isn't a trait I have). But, I assure you, you have people who love you and who will see you through the harsh times. If you want to talk, message me, I won't mind.
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