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Shann22 Offline
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Karma's a bitch. - August 26th 2012, 06:29 AM

2 years. I've felt this way for 2 years now. Alone, insecure, worthless. All because of him. He use to be my best friend. The guy i was in love with. The guy that supported me. The person that kept me from falling apart. Then he because the one who started tearing me apart. Yelling at me and blaming me for his problems. Telling me i was worthless. Tearing me down. So i started cutting. I had nothing left. No one left. He was all i had. He made me cut, then would try to stop me. He would pretend to be the hero who kept saving me. he's ruined relationships for me. I use to want to get married, and have kids. Now i don't know anymore. Relationships don't feel real anymore. They feel fake. Just a way to pass the time. My friends hate him. They want me to completely stop talking to him. But i can't. I just can't. I'm scared. Scared of completely losing him. I have three people right now including him. That's it. Three people left. I've cut everyone else off. I don't see the point in talking to people anymore. All they do is blame me. Tell me i'm somehow ruining their lives, or making up lies and rumors. Other than him, there are two people. Two people that now, i'm starting to lose. I can feel both of them slipping away. Not that i blame them. If i was them i would probably try to slip away too. No one understands how much i need him. Because if i have him, at least i will have someone. No matter how badly he treats me. I use to try talking to the other two people about him. But now, i don't bother. They are already slipping. I don't want to give them more of a reason to leave me. I keep thinking this is karma for stuff that i've done to him. Accidental stuff that i didn't know would hurt him. But it keeps adding up. How long is karma suppose to last? School starts Monday. I don't wanna go. I don't want to see him. I don't want to face other people. I don't want to keep thinking of my past. But i can't get away from it. It's all i can think about at night. I can't sleep. I have panic attacks. I end up laying in bed, crying thinking about it until i finally get scared enough to sit up and go do something other than sleeping. I can't tell anyone about this. The nightmares won't stop. I got in a fight with him. We started yelling at each other until i broke down crying. That's when he told me he regrets everything with me. Meeting me, talking to me, loving me. I got mad and told him i'm done letting him hurt me. I haven't talked to him in a couple days. And it's killing me. It hurts not talking to him. It hurts knowing i've lost him and it was my choice to lose him. I know my friends are happy because im not talking to him anymore. But i want to go running back to him so badly. I'm scared to see him at school. I can't see him everyday knowing i lost him. I just want all of this to end. And i don't know when it will, or how to make it end.
   
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Re: Karma's a bitch. - August 26th 2012, 09:42 PM

Hey! I understand what you are going through... Firstly I want to say that after 2 years with someone it is virtually impossible to not feel hurt when not talking to them... From what i can read here ther is ALOT of hurt involved from yourside and from his... I think that you should turn your hurt into energy... energy to work on the relationships with you and your friends... Remember(Talking from experience) that the only reason your friends dont like him is because he hurt you and your friends dont like to see you hurt, they dont mean to hurt you. I know that you want to go running back to him, but time heals everything and maybe you guys need sometime apart to grow as people because you are each others comfort zones at the moment so if you see him at school you should treat him like a stranger.Dont think of it as losing him, think of it as a time in your life to grow.. If you guys are meant to be you will... when you are both at a more stable part in your lives...Concerning the panic attacks etc, as soon as you find the courage to chanel your energy, they will start fading away...
Remember,
1)it is not not your fault but don't blame anyone else either.
2) Things will get better
3) Message me when you feel like cutting...There are other ways
   
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Re: Karma's a bitch. - August 27th 2012, 04:34 AM

hey there,
it seams to me that this relationship isnt very healthy. if i think you did the right thing by telling him you wont let him hurt you any more.
if some one makes you cry more than laugh or smile than it not worth putting your self through so much pain. when you go to school try talking to you princible [or who every is in charge of schedules] and see if you can have your schedule completly diffrent from his... try to talk to your friends see if they can get your mind off of the bad stuff. talk to a trusted adult about your panic attacks and see if theirs a way to push through them like blasting your music or reading a book or both it important not to let yourself dwindle on the crappy stuff .
if you need to talk to some one you can PM me i check it everyday.
dont give up! it gets better just gota truge through till then.




Blessed Be!
P.S i cannot spell to save my life
We may bend but we can never break
   
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