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AnALightbulb Offline
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Tired of feeling? - August 28th 2012, 12:41 AM

I just feel like a complete mess. I've been fighting thoughts of self-harm for almost a month now, and really want to give in. I don't know how long I can fight it off. I'm not happy at all, and I don't even remember what it feels like to be happy. I've been struggling for about a year now. Earlier this year I had some anxiety issues (a lot of it had to with my faith; I'm Christian) and resorted to self-harm (I scratched because I wasn't brave enough to cut). There was a teacher that I trusted and I talked to her a lot. But then I graduated, and I can't really see her anymore. I have trust issues for reasons I don't know and I don't trust very many people to open up to. I've been hurting for months now because I miss her so much, and I don't know how to let it go. She was like a sister to me and now my heart just feels like it's about to break (I think I'm emotionally attached to her- she understood me and cared for me and I think this is why I'm falling again?) I was doing better. I now have literally no one to talk to now and if I tell my parents anything, they'll just send me to a psychologist. I hated going to the psychologist before, and I don't want to go back. Before, I could leave my bedroom door open and socialize a little bit with my family. But now I close my door more often and prefer to be alone after I've been around people too much. I feel lost, alone, and completely confused. I feel like I have no meaning here. I don't want to kill myself, but I don't want to be alive either. My faith is being affected by all of this- I feel further away from God and find I don't really have anything to say to Him. I'm angry all the time and I'm always breaking down. I don't believe I'm doing any of this for attention. I honestly don't feel anyone in my life understands. I'm always stressed out over the littlest things, and things that I should be able to do, I can't. I have a lot of stupid fears, like driving (which I feel better about) and doing things on my own like talking to people I don't know. I'm so tired of feeling like a b**** all the time. I just don't know what to do anymore. It was worse earlier this year, but at the same time it was easier because I was around friends and I had a couple of people I could talk to, which now I can't. I want this pain to stop, I just want it all to stop. Nothing takes my mind off of this stuff. At this point, I figure no one can make me feel better, and the last thing I want is to talk to someone I don't trust. Music doesn't help very much anymore, I'll feel just as bad- if not worse- when I come back from a walk, and hot showers don't help very much either. I try writing out my feelings, but it's no use. I don't think I can take too much more of this. I'm just so tired of it all & tired of fighting. What the heck do I do??
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Alex95 Offline
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Re: Tired of feeling? - August 29th 2012, 11:06 AM

You sound really really worn out, and just tired of pretty much everything, that must be so hard, but well done on actually writing this all out and telling someone, I think that shows just how much you want to change all of this

Are you sure there isn't any way for you to contact this teacher? Maybe you could go back to school and find her and talk to her? Or send her an email or something? If any of that is out of the question, then you really do need to find someone else in your life to talk to; you sound very depressed and hurt. As for the Religious side of things, I'm no expert. It sounds very difficult for you to feel so far away from God, as if he doesn't hear you, if you don't have anything to say to him then you don't have to. Just let it be and God will surely show himself to you. But in the meantime, you must talk to someone, maybe a close friend? Or another adult you trust? I know you said you find it hard to trust people, but you've got to have faith, a lot of people will be willing to listen and help you

have you tried any alternatives to self-harm? They are a lot, and some can be more useful depending on what you want to self harm for. For example some people self-harm to express themselves, let out anger, or to simply feel something.

"I feel like I have no meaning here" - Maybe you could go down to your local Church, and explain that you're feeling very detached from God and your whole faith? Then you could get some advice on how to heal that part of your life? Just a suggestion.

This was probably very crappy advice, but good luck all the same

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Re: Tired of feeling? - August 31st 2012, 02:04 AM

Hey Alex! No it wasn't crappy advice at all- in fact I haven't really gotten any advice from anyone until now.

Yeah, I am really worn down. I don't think it will get any better any time soon, but I'm trying. I'm SO ready for this to be over, at least just long enough for me to catch my breath.

I do have contact information with my teacher. I have her e-mail, but she doesn't reply & I have her cell phone number, but I honestly feel like I annoy her. I feel like I need to give her space because I was constantly "running" to her for several months and she put up with it without complaint. I plan on visiting her ASAP at school if she isn't too stressed out with school starting and everything. But apart from her, I don't really have any other adults I feel comfortable talking to- and I just can't open up to random people. I have a special bond with my teacher which is why it's so easy, I think. My best friend was just like her- I could open up my heart and feel comfortable about it. However we are no longer very good friends ( I lost both her and my teacher in a matter of days). And the only other person I trust I talked to on facebook a couple of times and she actually makes me feel worse, like I'm some kind of bad person for having these thoughts and feelings, so I obviously don't do that anymore. So I don't really have anyone to talk to. And I haven't had anyone to talk to since before I graduated, so I'm kind of forced to keep my feelings in. Typing it out doesn't really make it easier, but it helps a little because I'm still getting my emotions out a little.

I haven't really tried any other ways to avoid self-harm. I haven't given in yet and when the urge is really strong I go take a really hot shower or put on some alternative music or something like that. The only thing that really keeps me from giving in is not wanting to disappoint anyone, especially my former teacher, though she said I never disappointed her last time. I don't really know why I do it. I have about a million emotions raging for attention at once, and I am pretty stressed out at the moment.

I never thought about getting help from church before. I will take it into consideration!

Thanks again!! You were at least a little bit of help, and gave me some hope too
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Re: Tired of feeling? - August 31st 2012, 04:19 AM

Have you thought about getting medication? I know, I know. "Medication is never a replacement for . . ." Okay, I the rest of the quote, but you get the idea. I find meds are really effective. Last summer, I was constantly anxious, reeaallly anxious. It all started because I was worried animals might not go to heaven. Then my anxiety made me start worrying about even deeper things that mess you up if you start worrying about them. I tried everything, and kind of gave up. I started thinking about how life is pointless, etc. I finally "lost it" one day, and told my parents, and they realized right away that my anxiety meds needed to be upped. It did wonders. My anxiety always spikes a few weeks before I go back to school. Once my medication was upped, I was almost completely back to normal after a month. After several months, I was able to get my anxiety under control and went back to my normal dose.

Sorry for the big speech, but meds do help get your anxiety, depression, or whatever it is, under control. For me, my meds make my anxiety release it's grip on me, and allow me to overcome it. My mom's been on antidepressants for years, and they work well. Taking meds and doing all the other suggestions would probably make you much better. Trust me, if I hadn't had my meds upped, I don't know what I would have done.
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