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liberty9331 Offline
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Feel like I can't breathe - September 12th 2012, 01:59 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Well, tonight is one of those nights. Nothing bad happened today, but still, I sit her crying. I feel so alone. SO alone. Someone could be sitting right next to me, and I'd still feel alone.

For as long as I can remember, I've felt alone. Since 5 or 6 years old. I don't know why I started feeling that way then, but I did. And still to this day, at 19 years old, I feel the same way, and even worse. I feel like I am going to be alone for the rest of my life, and that is the saddest and scariest thing to think about.

People keep telling me that things will get better. Well, I've been struggling with depression since I was 10 years old. Nine years later, I'm not better. I go through periods of ups and downs, but the downs are always stronger and last longer. I feel like crying more often than I feel like smiling.

I made a post before, and talked about how I've tried medication, therapists, and time, and none have helped me to feel better. I feel like as time goes on, I become more and more sensitive to things that hurt me. Shouldn't I be used to being hurt? Shouldn't these hard times be making me stronger?

I know that I'm not the only person struggling with similar feelings, but I still feel alone. Not alone in the sense that I'm the only one, but alone in the sense that I could go missing or die, and no one would care for more than a day.

I don't feel important, and I don't see why I should. I don't feel like things will get better for me. That's not to say that I don't wish it, or want it. I just have that gut feeling that it won't. And that rips me apart.

I've reached a point where I can't look at others who are loved, or people showing affection without feeling like I'm being stabbed in the heart. I can't look in the mirror without thinking that nobody could ever love that person looking back at me.

I've asked for help and support before, and nothing has come of it. My parents don't understand and brush it off, or say that it's my fault and I make myself feel this way. My friends get uncomfortable when I try to talk about it. I don't even like who I am. If I could, I would change alot. But the things I want to change don't seem to be changeable.

I don't know what else to say. I feel so selfish for feeling this way, when there are others who have more of a reason to, and there are people out there struggling to survive, when I don't even want to. I'm sorry.
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hjpwarwick Offline
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Re: Feel like I can't breathe - September 12th 2012, 01:32 PM

hey libby,
i'm sorry you feel this way
and i'm glad you have at least tried some therapies or medical interventions,
so i'm presuming you've been to your GP? do you still have regular meetings with them?

because although you have friends and family that cleary do care and love you,
they don't understand what your feeling, they wouldn't because there not you and they haven't had the right training.
whereas trained proffessionals do understand, and can offer help however they can't do it for you!

and never say that peopel don't care because they do!
think of your immediate family and yyour outer family your friends at school and TH,
all those you help in ways without knowing.
i don't knwo if you've had a death before of someone close to you, but how did that feel? now imagine your parents losing their daughter or your grandparents or your friends at school.

you are loved and appreciated
but you realising that is only the start of it
as i said at times we need different help but family and friends are not able to offer the help we need when we're feeling depressed!

take each day as it comes and set a goal and acknowledge every little thing you do that is good and means something,

hope i help a little
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liberty9331 Offline
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Re: Feel like I can't breathe - September 16th 2012, 02:39 AM

My GP doesn't know about it. He knows I have panic disorder, but I've been hiding the severity of the depression. My psychiatrist prescribed one medication for both the panic disorder and the depression. It treats the panic disorder well, but not the depression.

Sometimes my parents are so harsh, it's really truly hard to believe that they care. Most of the time I'm treated like a burden.

I find it hard to keep going. I know some people care a bit, but I can tell it's not all that much. I think I'd have to die before people would realize the level of things I'm going through.

I try to be positive and look for the good things, but every time I find something good, something bigger and negative comes up and beats me back down. I'm having trouble with seeing reasons to get back up.
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breathe, feel

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