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Agony Offline
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HATE this. - September 12th 2012, 03:48 AM

Ugh, ugh and ugh. I swear no matter how hard I try I can't be happy. At school I'm happy and fun..but Im lying. I'm not really happy, I'm pissed off. Pissed off at myself mostly...pissed off at random things. My hallucinations are going crazy and my head hurts all the time...is this what I get for trying to sleep? Haha don't let me get started on the fuckin dreams. My dreams are more of a reality then my life. I've started cutting again, it helps a little bit but not nearly enough. I don't care about my school work much anymore, the only classes I actually like are Biology and English. I feel restricted in English though, I can't write what I want to because then too many questions would be asked. At least I still enjoy Basketball...for the most part. I wish I could just find a way to release my anger, but if I do that someone will end up getting hurt. I'm going insane, I just know it, the hallucinations, the dreams..the 'thoughts' are all proof of my insanity...
I want to end it all..so bad. But I won't...or will I? I'm afraid one day I'll get so angry and just take all the pills I can find..
Why is it that I want to die for all the wrong reasons? In the end I want to live...but there's times where I rather die then keep going.
This is so confusing

When I'm sad I think, "I got a jar of dirt, I got a jar of dirt!"

You can't change fate, but you can change your attitude towards it.
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hjpwarwick Offline
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Re: HATE this. - September 12th 2012, 01:14 PM

Hey ash,
it sounds like your in apretty confusing place right now!
everyone needs something to take out their anger otherwise it will just build up!
for some they can through laid back things liek drawing or art, whereas others do contact sports, for some it's watching tv, but for some it can be seaking proffesional help wheather it be a counsellor or support groups.

also if cutting doesn't really help is it worth doing?
or will it just in the end turn into another problem?
especially if you did manage to stop, that must have been hard to stop doing!

and although school doesn't allow you to express yourself as you wish, schools not liek that, but perhaps in your own time you could do things liek writing as you wish,
school is somethign we have to do to improve our future chances and life moreso then being an outlet of how we feel!
although school can give that fi you go to the right people.

is there anyone you could go to to tell them about the desire to end it all!
they could help you now before it gets to a place where there is no control over that emotion!

hope i helped a little
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