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Agony Offline
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Join Date: June 5th 2012

Going insane, or am I already there? - September 16th 2012, 06:46 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I don't know what to do anymore, I really don't. I'm insane, no matter what people tell me I know I'm insane. The way I think is so different from other people that if I explain to them whats going on in my head they say I'm not human. On Friday during theater I found one of those "Do not eat. Throw away." silica bag things. I opened it up right in front of my partner and attempted to swallow them, but my partner, his friend and one of my friends kept slapping my hand and trying to empty the bag before I could swallow them all. In the end I only swallowed 3, which didn't phase me at all but they were convinced I was going to die or get sick or something. They were wrong.
Friday night I went to a baseball game and took some of my friends, had a great time. But as soon as I got home all I could think about was suicide.
Yesterday I played flag football with my dad and his work buddies, during the whole entire time all I could think was, "someone's watching me. There coming after me, I need to run. Run and hide."
Last night I went to see finding nemo 3D with my friend and after I spent the night, when we got to her house I kept seeing shadows and seeing movement, but when I looked it would be gone. Later that night all I wanted to do was either a) run or b) kill myself.
I can't even do regular activities anymore without thinking like a crazy person. All I want to do is run and never look back. I want to go to Colorado and hide in the woods which is pretty much suicide considering the wildlife there.
I'm sick of everyone thinking I'm perfect, I'm sick of lying to myself and others when I tell them that I'm great and everything is wonderful. It isn't. I don't care about school anymore, I don't care about my future. All I ever do is zone out thinking about my fucking dreams and the person I want to be.
I'm tired of pretending I'm strong when I'm really weak, tired of smiling when all I want to do is cry. I haven't cried in a while, not because I didn't want to but because I can't. Every night I lie there wanting to cry, hoping to cry, but nothing comes!! I'm sick of it. I can't do what I want to do because everything that I want to do is considered insane.
I want to die, but at the same time I don't. I'd rather run and try to figure things out, but if I can't do those things then my only other option is suicide.
I was hoping I could at least make it until my 15th birthday, now I'm not so sure. I honestly don't care about my birthday anymore, I don't care about anything but trying to figure out what everything means.
If I don't change something soon, I will kill myself. I don't care anymore, my reasons to live aren't as important as the reasons to die. If I have to live pretending to be something I'm not, pretending to be sane, then what's the point of living? I'm not being true to myself. I've changed, and im still changing. There's 2 sides to me and I don't know which one is dominant. The good or the bad? I'm starting to think the bad.

When I'm sad I think, "I got a jar of dirt, I got a jar of dirt!"

You can't change fate, but you can change your attitude towards it.
Former user: xArchDreamerx

Became a HelpLINK mentor on July 13th, 2013
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