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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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Years of Struggle - September 22nd 2012, 01:01 AM

For most of my life, I have been depressed or have been experiencing depression. I've never taken pills because I believe they are given to people to cover up the problem instead of fixing it. I haven't gotten professional help because not only does the thought make feel horrible, but I don't ever want to share the fact that I'm "messed up" with my family. I don't ever want them to know.
I'm in highschool and I've already had suicidal thoughts before and I've caused harm to myself. I've been teased and Ive always been the "weird" girl. Never feeling quite comfortable anywhere, not even with close friends. People walk all over me because Im nice and will avoid confrontation at any cost. I got used when I had my "first time" and the guy could care less about me. I have self esteem issues and I'm way too critical of my actions.
Whenever I tried confiding in friends, they always seemed to make me feel worse. I'd feel pathetic for even crawling to them because they didn't understand and couldn't help. I feel I should be able to do it on my own.
Well up until recently Id been doing fine. Hadn't thought of suicide for years, hadn't cut for a year, I even improved my mind set a little. But I was feeling down and confided in a friend who has it worse than me and should understand..instead, when we got into in argument she threw that information in my face and told me every "pretends to care about me".that was all I needed to trigger me. I was depressed and I cut myself again.
With no one to talk to and no one to trust..I turn to strangers and ask what can I do? I'm noticeably better by far but I do have the occassional relapse and don't want it to happen again..does it ever truly go away?
   
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Re: Years of Struggle - September 22nd 2012, 04:50 PM

I can relate to much of what you've gone through.
I have had depression for years and was too scared to go to a professional counselor or get medication. However, I recently was hospitalized for a suicide attempt/ED. After I was discharged, I had follow up appointments with a counselor and antidepressants. Let me tell you, I wish I had gotten those a long time ago.
At first I was so shy towards my counselor, but eventually I opened up, and it really helps to talk to someone you can trust. The antidepressants were stressful at first because I had to try so many before I finally found one where I didn't have side effects, but I am now much better than I was.
I would strongly consider looking into finding a psychiatrist/psychologist and seeing a counselor on a regular basis, as well as getting on antidepressants. It's at least worth a try.
I honestly don't think depression will ever truly go away, if that's what you're referring to. There will always be triggers and stress. I think happiness can definitely be achieved, and you can become MUCH less depressed. You just have to be willing to put forth effort to be happy and try new things that can help.
You can always PM me if you need anything.

<3 Stay Strong.
   
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Re: Years of Struggle - September 22nd 2012, 05:27 PM

Like the above poster, I can't relate to you much but I am here to try and help. I am just gonna give you the same typical advice that every one's probably gonna give you. But I believe that it is a pretty good advice. Take professional help. Since telling friends didn't work out well for you, I think you should tell your family or go to a counselor. It may be hard but right now, it's what you should do. Keep Fighting....
   
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Re: Years of Struggle - September 22nd 2012, 08:05 PM

I don't know how I could ever tell my family that I need help. They wouldn't take me seriously and I don't want them to smother me thinking that I may lose it at any moment if they do take me seriously. I feel stuck
   
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Re: Years of Struggle - September 22nd 2012, 08:30 PM

Hi there

I'm going to be honest and tell you that I am not completely sure what to say to you or how to advise but you I'll try my best.

Have you ever, in your life, seen someone about this and been diagnosed with depression or do you just think you may have the illness? Medication isn't ever given to people to cover up the underlying problem. From my experience, if a person if offered a anti-depresent for example, they have normally tried counselling first. But sometimes counselling won't work because we're too 'low' to engage in therapy and therefore medication is often used to to help get a person to a certain mental state to encourage and help them to be able to engage in the sessions they are receiving. Does that make sense? But sometimes people may for example, have a chemical imbalance in their brains which triggers depression. Therapy can be used for this but it's often the case that an anti-depresent is needed as it provides your brain with a chemical called serotonin. Some people have low levels of this and when this happens, this can causes depression and being on medication can raise the level of serotonin in you brain which helps us to feel better.

Believe you and me, therapists, psychiatric nurses, psychologists, doctors, specialised social workers and so on, have seen everything. And they are there to help people feeling low and who are struggling with mental health problems and problems in life which are having a negative affect on themselves and their lives. They are not there to judge you about your life or what has happened but are there to help you to manage with what has happened, how you feel and how to move on. They are there to support you through what you are going through. However you should know that a lot of work in therapy has to come to come from you, too.

I am sorry that you feel like when you have managed to talk to your friends that it's made you feel worse. Do you think this is because you felt pathetic for going to them or did they do or say something that made you feel this way? Know that going to people for help is not anywhere near pathetic. I think reaching out to someone, like you did, takes a hell of a lot of strength and courage and I am proud of you for trying to reach out even thought it didn't seem to go well.

I want to say how brilliant it is and how inspiring it is that you went a whole year with out self harming. I know beating the urges is incredibly hard but you have done really well to have gone a whole year. That is incredible and I also think its positive you feel your mind set improved a little. I am sorry that talking to your friend didn't go well. I can understand that it pushed you back and upset you but I want you to know that again, you did well to try and talk to them and I also want you to know that people do care about you. If no one cared, we would not all be here talking to you and trying to help.

Its important that you don't let that relapse get the better of you. Stop it from being a negative and turn it into a positive. Use it as an opportunity to start again and to beat the urges and start a fresh start. You're strong enough to beat the urges and you know what? You're worth a hell of a lot more that the pain you inflict upon yourself. And in reality, in the long run, you self harming is not going to help you in anyway. But it could make things a hell of a lot worse. As hard as the urges or the thoughts ever get, you are in control. You are the only person who stop stop yourself from hurting yourself. But people can be there to help you and support you through it. You don't have to do this on your own.

It get's better. I know at times its going to be incredibly hard to believe that and it is going to take time and hard work and there will be moments where you want nothing more than to give up and stop fighting. But if you want happiness and want this all to get better, you need to keep fighting. But don't be on your own.

If there is ever anything you want to talk to us about, know that we're more than welcome to listen and to support you through anything you go through. We want to help you as much as we can, the more you tell us, the better chance we have of being able to do so and the same goes for everyone else you talk to.

Keep on smiling and keep your chin up.

Jessie


"Only in the dark, can you see the stars..."
Josie 12/3/2014, always in my heart. Sue 19/2/2016; Peter, Ellie, Hannah, Andy, Kirtsie RIP.

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Re: Years of Struggle - September 22nd 2012, 09:48 PM

Thank you..and no I've never been diagnosed by a professional. But I didn't think I had to. Normal people feel sad and move on, they don't bear it for years and years and start to feel worse as time goes by. And I feel pathetic for confiding in friends because they don't understand what this is like. So when they're trying to be positive and I continue to feel negative they get annoyed or angry at me. Then I feel like a burden. It's happened many times so I confide in people less and less. So when the girl who had problems more intense than I, but who knew what depression was like, told me that everyone pretends to care about me, it really hurt me and I had a relapse. How could anyone say that? Someone who knows what this is like, who should be able to relate? I'd never say that to anyone. Especially knowing that I could trigger someone else. And since I'm not always around everyone I thought " how would I know if they were pretending?" because of that I came here to ask the opinion of someone outside my circle of friends that I no longer trust
   
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