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i love you...<3
Average Joe
Far From Perfect's Avatar
Age: 24
Gender: Female
Location: USA

Posts: 101
Join Date: January 6th 2009

Unhappy Too many changes - September 22nd 2012, 08:16 PM

I don't know if I'm depressed? But I'm really upset about everything that I've had to go through in the past 2 moths. I'm only 17 years old, I haven't even been at college a month and I am completely miserable.

Reasons why I'm miserable:
  • My mom
  • My dad
  • My boyfriend
  • My friends
  • My college

In the beginning of July my mom passed away from alcohol and prescription drug abuse. The last thing that I said to my mom was that I didn't miss her while I was on vacation and that if she didn't stop drinking she would never see her grandchildren, and also that I couldn't wait to go to college to get away from her. Ouch. I meant everything I said, I said those kind of things to her all the time, we always fought because she was always drunk and messed up on pills, it was awful and I hated her for it. But obviously I miss her now, but I miss her when she was sober.
What makes my situation even worse is that I haven't seen my dad in almost 7 years to add onto that. So the only parental figure I have in my life is my step dad. And when my dad and my step dad when to court to fight for guardianship (even tho I turn 18 in november so its pointless for my dad to have guardianship) my dad told the court that my step dad terrorizes me and that I have Stockholm's syndrome and that's the only reason I want him to be my guardian. He also told the court that he thinks my step dad beat my mom and had something to do with her death. Yeah, my dad is a horrible person and would accuse my step dad of things like that without any proof whatsoever.
Now moving on to my boyfriend of 6 months (I know thats not too long but break ups still hurt), broke up with me a few weeks ago. He knew long distance was going to be hard, and he said he wouldn't have started dating me if we were gonna break up when we go to college, but he broke up with me. Our relationship started getting worse when my mom died because obviously I was upset about that, and I still am. And I miss him so much, I need him now more then ever and he's not there. I saw him last weekend and he kissed me and said he missed me and stuff, but it didn't change his mind about not being together. I've stopped talking to him, because I'm always the one to contact him first so if he wants to talk to me he can contact me. But it sucks because I miss him so much and need someone there to talk to... :/
And my friends are also really far away, and they never have time to talk to me. They both have boyfriends who they are super happy with, and they have lots of friends at college. I have friends at my college too, but its not the same. I want my friends that I have known forever.
And finally, my college is 3 and a half hours away from my home, so I'm extremely homesick. I was so excited to leave my "crappy" little town a few months ago but now I just wanna go back so bad. But the sad thing is, even going back and visiting doesn't make me feel better because nothing will ever be the same. Going home doesn't bring my mom back, doesn't make my dad less selfish or want to be apart of my life, doesn't make my friends come home, and it doesn't make me and my ex boyfriend magically back together. What it does do is just make me more upset about everything that has changed... I know change is inevitable, but this is all too much for 2 months, and I hate everything that has changed
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