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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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Returning - September 24th 2012, 05:47 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Hiya,
Ever since I came near to attempting suicide last week, I keep finding myself poised to do it again. In class at school, the topic of suicide keeps being brought up and I find myself mentally defending the act.
Additionally, whenever I feel mad or upset, I consider doing it. I keep crying all the time, I literally had to stop myself crying on the bus to school when I heard a song that reminded me of cutting ties with my dad. I haven't SI in months but I still have the pills try to kill myself if I want to.
I keep wanting to, over the most trivial things.
I'm worried that soon, I'll want to and I won't have anything to stop me.
Any help would be great.


"I think there is beauty in everything. What ‘normal’ people would perceive as ugly, I can usually see something of beauty in it."
— Alexander McQueen

   
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Re: Returning - September 24th 2012, 11:54 PM

Hey Cora,
Sorry to hear you're going through a rough time right now. I totally know what it's like to be stuck in a classroom discussion about suicide when you are contemplating it. I almost burst into tears before because the teacher was going on and on about suicide and I wanted to scream at her. Maybe you can mention to your teacher that topic is triggering for you and you were wondering if he/she could not bring it up in class. If you don't feel comfortable write a note and maybe slip it into her teacher's mailbox, then you can remain anonymous. I'm glad to here you haven't SHed in months! That's a big accomplishment you should be proud of yourself! Do you have someone you talk to your feelings about? You should make an appointment with your guidance counselor at your school. Then you have someone to talk to and can get it all out. And you don't have to hold back your tears there either. I know it's scary but trust me it helps in the end. I know what it's like for little things to trigger thoughts about suicide, that used to always happen to me. You have to try to redirect your mind. If you start thinking about it say to yourself; "It's only *enter what's going on here*. I'm going to make it through this. It's not a big deal, it's not worth getting upset over" The first few times you'll feel stupid and like it doesn't do anything, but don't give up! Because eventually, you can train your mind to do it without thinking about redirecting yourself.
Hang in there Cora!
Alessa


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Re: Returning - September 25th 2012, 11:20 AM

Hey there,

I know how you feel and I agree with the post above.
You need to hang in. There is a quote by Franklin D Roosevelt which may help you a bit: If you feel like you are at the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on.

When you feel like committing suicide tie a knot on something and grip it tight, imagining it was your life, that you were clinging desperately to. There are so many people who love you, Cora! Don't give up!

Jay.


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A whisper in the dark; is better than silence in the light. -Courtesy of your's truly.
My blog is open to all, those whom are easily triggered avoid, it's a story about a girl and her life and how far she has come over the years. If you read it, I hope it inspires you to keep fighting and to NEVER give up!

When you can no longer think of a reason to continue, you must think of a reason to start over.
   
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Re: Returning - September 25th 2012, 05:31 PM

Thanks guys!
I can't really let on that I'm thinking about it at school and there isn't a guidance counsellor anyway.
One of my best friends had a massive go at me today saying that I treat her really badly (saying that I do things which I don't). When I tried to calm her down she ended things with "Don't ******* talk to me ever again".
I'm sure that she's already told all our mutual friends (which is all my closest friends) so I'm terrified of being abandoned by everyone. It just feels like, one by one, my reasons to live are slipping away.
I'm doing really badly at school, when I used to be considered smart. The majority of my teachers are making it pretty clear that I'm "not working hard enough" even though I'm doing my best.
My family has gone to pieces, I don't speak to my dad anymore and my mum is emotionally unstable.
I don't know what to do and I can't talk to anyone.


"I think there is beauty in everything. What ‘normal’ people would perceive as ugly, I can usually see something of beauty in it."
— Alexander McQueen

   
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Re: Returning - September 25th 2012, 09:45 PM

This whole thing has pushed my very close to starting to fast again
I'm just terrified


"I think there is beauty in everything. What ‘normal’ people would perceive as ugly, I can usually see something of beauty in it."
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Re: Returning - September 26th 2012, 05:52 AM

I'm really losing it


"I think there is beauty in everything. What ‘normal’ people would perceive as ugly, I can usually see something of beauty in it."
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Re: Returning - September 26th 2012, 05:19 PM

Today was really bad. I just feel like I'm slowly deteriorating.


"I think there is beauty in everything. What ‘normal’ people would perceive as ugly, I can usually see something of beauty in it."
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Re: Returning - September 26th 2012, 05:58 PM

Hey sweetheart,

First of all, I want you to talk a deep breath. Seriously. Breathe in, breathe out. Spend a few seconds doing this. Even if it seems pointless.

Okay. You've done fantastic not self harming in months. That's brilliant, and you know what that's proof of? Your strength. You're stronger than you know. Things seem overwhelming, and sometimes it can feel like darkness is closing in; like the world is against you. But that feeling doesn't mean it's the end. It means something is wrong in your life, but no problem is unfixable. Nothing in life ever stays the same, and that includes things that upset you and make life difficult. In a year, you could be so unbelievably happy, and you'll look back and be so, so pleased you hung onto life. Even though you can't see them, there are so many reasons to live. There's a big list here. It might seem like the reasons to hold on are slipping away. They aren't. What's slipping away is your ability to see them. Depression, sadness, dark thoughts- they cloud your judgement; fill you with negativity. There are so many wonderful, wonderful things left for you to discover. You deserve to be happy, carefree, and one day you will be. It might take a bit of work (therapy is magical, hard work, but magical), but you can get there. Life is full of challenges, and hardships, but you are stronger than all of them. You will get through this.

I know you don't want to really reach out to anyone, but that's what I strongly, strongly recommend. Sitting alone with bad thoughts has never lead to anything good yet. When you're really upset and down, just talking to someone; completely opening your soul to someone, can really, honestly help. You need to choose someone who you can easily talk to, and in my case that was my teacher. He was someone I could talk to whenever I was down, and so that's what worked for me. You need to find what works for you. Maybe you don't like talking about your feelings, some people don't. In which case, you could blog, or write a letter to yourself reminding yourself of all the wonderful things about life and you. Because you are amazing. You are incredible, and so strong. You need to look after yourself a little, eat and sleep well. Take warm baths. Your mind has been through one hell of a lot, and suicidal thoughts are not easy to deal with, at all. Treat yourself as you'd treat a friend recovering from a serious illness. Gently.

I honestly think talking to someone at school might be a good idea, especially if you're being triggered. In my case, I was taken out of lessons deemed triggering, and given different work to do. This was only a temporary thing, because I specifically asked not to be treat any differently. But teachers aren't only there to teach. They're there to provide you with support and guidance, too. They wouldn't work with young people if they didn't enjoy helping them.

Keep your chin up. These times are hard, but they will pass. I'm always here if you ever want to talk about anything at all. <3

Jezza



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Re: Returning - September 26th 2012, 09:08 PM

Thankyou Jezza
I should feel strong for not SHing but I'm just tired of trying to be strong.
My estranged dad's just cut my child support (possibly because I cut ties with him after learning he was fathering another child) and I can't help my mum (who may be emotionally unstable) take care of us.
I've lost one of my best friends who never wants to talk to me again; there's nothing I can do to save that friendship.
I've lost control of my body, school grades and emotions.

It's hard to explain, there are times when I am happy and I couldn't even imagine that I had/am considering suicide but there are times when I want to stuff myself with pills so I never have to wake up again. I don't think these rare sunshine moments can keep me living.


"I think there is beauty in everything. What ‘normal’ people would perceive as ugly, I can usually see something of beauty in it."
— Alexander McQueen

   
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Re: Returning - September 26th 2012, 09:09 PM

Thankyou Jezza
I should feel strong for not SHing but I'm just tired of trying to be strong.
My estranged dad's just cut my child support (possibly because I cut ties with him after learning he was fathering another child) and I can't help my mum (who may be emotionally unstable) take care of us.
I've lost one of my best friends who never wants to talk to me again; there's nothing I can do to save that friendship.
I've lost control of my body, school grades and emotions.

It's hard to explain, there are times when I am happy and I couldn't even imagine that I had/am considering suicide but there are times when I want to stuff myself with pills so I never have to wake up again. I don't think these rare sunshine moments can keep me living.


"I think there is beauty in everything. What ‘normal’ people would perceive as ugly, I can usually see something of beauty in it."
— Alexander McQueen

   
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Re: Returning - September 27th 2012, 06:06 AM

If today is as bad as yesterday I don't know what I'll do


"I think there is beauty in everything. What ‘normal’ people would perceive as ugly, I can usually see something of beauty in it."
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Re: Returning - September 27th 2012, 09:19 PM

The option of suicide grows ever more dark and obvious behind me


"I think there is beauty in everything. What ‘normal’ people would perceive as ugly, I can usually see something of beauty in it."
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Re: Returning - September 28th 2012, 05:15 AM

I'm so terrified of school today


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Re: Returning - September 28th 2012, 02:36 PM

Hey again Cora,
Do you have a teacher in school you feel comfortable talking to? What about the school nurse? It's important in this time of need to find someone you can share this with. They can help and may even be able to help set up something to help your mother. I know what it feels like to lose a best friend. I've been there and after a lot of pain and hurt, I can honestly say I'm better off without her. She was holding me back, and without her I was able to make so many new friends. I know right now you feel crappy but things do get better. I know it's so cliche and you hear it all the time but it's true. I am living proof that you can beat this, I know you can. You are a strong woman. Do you have coping strategies such as listening to music, writing in a journal, or reading? For me those were very helpful to get me through those tough moments. If gave me something else to focus on instead of my feelings. I think you would benefit from finding some coping strategies that work. Do you like to draw or write? You'd be surprised how helpful those things can be in the moment. I know you can do this, hang in there!
Alessa


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Re: Returning - September 28th 2012, 05:31 PM

I don't really think I have coping activities, possibly cycling/swimming.
I really can't talk to anyone at school x


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Re: Returning - September 29th 2012, 09:48 PM

I just really can't do this anymore


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Re: Returning - September 30th 2012, 10:57 AM

No. I'm sure you can. Even if I don't know you, and don't know your story: everyone has people who care about you. You can get help. The situation might be difficult and you feel very upset but it will get better.
I hope you feel better soon. Stay strong.
   
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Re: Returning - October 1st 2012, 11:26 PM

You CAN do this. What about someone in your community? A family friend or relative? Look through this list: http://www.teenhelp.org/forums/f11-d...o-can-help-me/ I'm sure you can find someone. It's not going to be easy and might be a bit uncomfortable but you can do it! Cycling and swimming are perfect! You can ride your bike around the block, let go of some extra energy. Do you have a gym near you or some place you can swim occasionally? Even just once in a while can make a huge difference. Also, have you every though about journalling? It's something that really helped me get my feelings out. Then you can rip up the paper and throw it away. You don't need to keep it, sometimes just getting it out of you helps. And what about music? Do you have a favorite genre of music? We have a whole list of uplifting songs in our Hold Onto Hope sticky, you should check them out! Cora, we are here for you. I know it's hard but it's not going to be like this forever. I promise. Hang in there, you're strong I believe in you.
Feel free to PM me anytime. I'm always here and I've been where you are.
Keep you head up!
Alessa


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