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VampirePrincess Offline
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My life could not possibly get any worse... - September 26th 2012, 06:46 PM

I have been so depressed lately. Since last August my life has just been one awful thing after another and I just can't take it anymore....

My cat, my very very special cat that was the only friend I had in this world, passed away last August...it was from cancer, she was 20 and we just couldn't save her...her autopsy showed the worst case of cancer that our vet had ever seen in an animal before Being with her when she died was so hard...even harder when the euthanasia drug didn't work the first time...or the second....or the third...we had never seen anything like it before.

It was so hard not being with her....but I still had another cat, one who was very close to my special baby and who bonded with me when she died. We helped each other through the pain...but she had medical issues of her own...she was only 4 years old and she too died of cancer, combined with a failed liver, pancreas, and collapsing lungs...we tried for 3 years to save her life in every way possible and it just wasn't enough. She died only four months after my first car. Two deaths of two people I held close in a row was just too much...

Msybe even that I would have made it through. I don't know. But what happened next was awful. My grandmother had been in the hospital around Christmas time, but she lives very far away from me and the weather was so bad I was unable to fly out to see her. She got cleared to go home though, and she was so determined to get there, that I figured things would be okay. But 2 months after my second cat died, my mom got an emergency request to go see her. I would have gone, but I was nearing finals and couldn't afford to leave. I skyped with my grandmother every day for the next 2 weeks, and she died on the day of my first final exam. I was very, very close to her and she meant more to me than all my other family members combined. This was the absolute most heartbreaking news I ever could have received

When I was finally through with classes, I scheduled a flight there to help my family deal with everything - we had a whole house to clear out and sell, and we couldn't waste any time since there was only a limited amount of money left to keep paying the taxes with. I stayed there for two weeks helping with everything, and I really feel my grandmother appreciated the work I was doing. We tried to honor her memory by looking through every one of her collections, and making reasonable decisions about each item - donate to the church (she set up many programs through there and that was her life's work), sell at the garage sale (we ended up having 10 of those...), or keep for ourselves. This was a raw and emotional sort of thing to do, especially when it was not only her stuff, but that of my grandfather and aunt who had also died in the house - and mixed in with my aunt's stuff was my cousin's and uncle's things, they died many years before her. My family doesn't throw anything away. What was so hard to see was that it was very obvious what things changed her life. Like cooking - she loved cooking, I'm the only other person in the family who likes it so I was in charge of looking through the cookbooks. She would stuff dated recipes of her own and coupons for things she would need for the recipes in her cookbooks. But everything stops at 1994 - the year my grandfather died. I don't believe she ever touched another cookbook since that day. I'll admit at least for cooking that it's not quite as much fun to make a giant meal for just one person, especially when you're under doctors orders to stick to a heart healthy diet. But it was still sad to see. And that was just one example out of many. I could see all the deaths in the family, and the year I moved many miles away from her, in all of her belongings. It was heartbreaking.

And so I came home to heal, leaving my mother out there for another 4 months. Unlike her, I actually came home to visit almost every year when I moved. But she never visited home, and I think she regrets it. The healing process is a hard one, not made any easier by the other events in my life. But now you can see where my depression stems from, I haven't had time to heal because everything piled on top of everything else so quickly. So if you're not overwhelmed by that, continue on to hear about the surface things that are making it tough for me to cope right now....

My first problem is my lack of friends. Well, you might say, everyone has friends. I do, I do, I assure you that I have friends - they're just not good friends, I don't have many, and I can't make any more. Have you ever sat through gym class being the absolute last person to be picked for a team? Well that's how my friends treat me. I am their absolute last choice. No, it's not my imagination - they tell me to my face. The man I always considered to be my best friend asks me out to dinner about once a month. Which would be fine and wonderful, if the invitation wasn't always this, word for word:

"I called every single one of my other friends, but they all said they weren't free tonight. I know you can't be busy since you don't have a social life. Want to just go with me, then? If someone else calls me back and says they're free after all I'll just let you know not to come."

I'll just say that if he had been like that when I met him 6 years ago, I never would have considered him my best friend. This behavior has been ever since he decided to be gay - and yes, in his case this was a decision, because he's bi and just decided he hates girls because his last girlfriend hurt him badly. I don't mind his decision, but why does it have to affect me? I've gone out of my way to stay by his side when the world kicks him, but when the world kicks me he helps it. :/

Onto my other friend, one that I've known for five years and reconnected with two years ago. When I met her, we instantly became as close as sisters. But I had to switch schools, she was mad at me and wouldn't remain in contact with me, and that was for two years. Then two years ago I saw her on my college campus, we decided to start talking and got close again. But turns out while I was gone, The Ultimate Jerk entered her life. I'm sure you know of The Ultimate Jerk - that person your best friend dates that's no good for her, and changes her in bad ways. The Ultimate Jerk had been with her for 2 years. It's the sort of thing I would have pointed out to her at the beginning of a relationship, but at 2 years it's gone way past the time I can say to get rid of him. They have now been together for 4 years. He is 19 while she is almost 21, he is heavily into drinking, drugs, smoking, hookah, anything you can think of legal and illegal. She was never into any of that, but because of him she tries. She doesn't like it all - she came in coughing and spluttering and gasping for breath one morning after smoking with him all night and vowed to never do it again - but she constantly tries new things to make him happy. Of course this makes me sad, but she's old enough to make her own decisions and the one thing I can appreciate is that she knows I don't do any of that stuff, and she keeps me away from that side of her life.

However, lately I've had to stop and reconsider if she's even really a friend. We used to hang out once a week and work out together, until summer when I had my trip, and she took a total of 14 vacations with her boyfriend and his family. Now she's been desperate to see me for the past few months. We finally, finally manage to find a day and time we both have free. It's hard because with my schedule I am only free 2 afternoons and the entire weekend, but she works the entire weekend and some unexpected days (she drives an ambulance). Turns out we're both free for 3 hours on Mondays though, so we agreed to meet up then. An hour after she makes the plans with me, she texts again and says this....

"Sorry, I have to cancel. My boyfriend called and he has work off Monday afternoon! And maybe all the other weeks he'll get that off too. Maybe we can work something out next semester - or you could skip your Tuesday classes, you can do that for me right?"

I told her no way, I won't skip classes. And when she called me on Monday to tell me her boyfriend made other plans that ran over, I told her I wasn't free anymore. I was mad. Now wait a minute here, you say. She should want to spend time with her boyfriend. But my problem is - she does. Every single night, no exceptions whatsoever, she is at his house from 8 - 1. And she spends every single second of his days off with him, he gets 3 a week and he made sure they're only when she's free. So why would she cancel on me to see him, when she sees him that often? During the first 6 months of my relationship with my boyfriend, I NEVER saw him. And now I only see him once a week. It would be more acceptable for me to cancel on her for that reason...not that I would. Whoever makes plans first gets priority, but I guess she doesn't play by those rules.

And now onto my last friend. Our history and background of our friendship is way too long to put here. The one thing I can say about him is I never feel like his last option. I can tell he wants to see me. But long story short, he's a "user" (not a drug user! I mean he uses me for my money and my car) and I have to be in the right mood to put up with that. It's very irritating. Small example: he says he wants to hang out, I drive over to get him, and then he says "great I've needed to run this errand, take me there on your gas money" (okay he doesn't say that, but it's what it amounts to). He never pays me back because he doesn't have a job, doesn't understand why he needs one, his parents pay for everything and he thinks he can get rich gambling on their money.

Did I say last friend? I did. That's all I have. Now I know you're all going to say join a club, introduce yourself to people, etc etc. But I wouldn't be here complaining about it if I hadn't been trying that for the past 5 years and getting NOWHERE. I smile when I go places, say hello to people, strike up conversations should I happen to see a reason to. People are generally polite enough, but after speaking to me once they won't speak to me again. I've tried a few clubs but there aren't any in this area that relate to any of my interests. I've tried hobbies but they are SO expensive. I can't afford most of them. Scrapbooking, my first one cost $200. Fencing, cost me about $300 a month and they had awful, awful rules that became brand new a few months after joining. Archery is the most affordable hobby that I have, but it's difficult to make friends in that environment...most people are in it for hunting. I'm not.

I asked my therapist why this is happening. He's baffled. I've invited him to walk around with me on campus and observe this first hand, and he has. He doesn't understand it....but he says it seems to be age specific. He can't see anything wrong, and my professors all seem to like me, so maybe I need someone my own age to tell me what's up. Problem is none of them will talk to me to tell me why they hate me, so that's a problem....

If you live near me, I'm desperately calling for you to come tell me why I'm such a freak :/

But the friend experience that is hurting me the most right now is one that I don't understand. You'll probably look at this and say "not everyone is like this." And I'm sure you're right - this is weird and I wouldn't really expect to see it from anyone else. But that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt me.

Last semester, I made my first ever friend in college (I've been in college for six years because of a dual credit program). I was so happy. We were in the same class, we talked for a while, grabbed lunch together, traded phone numbers and started texting. He had a job in a different city over the summer and said he wouldn't really be able to text much, I told him that's fine and we'll talk again after it's over. Well I text him a few times over the summer, never hear back but I figure he's just busy. A week before school starts I text him - no response. But still, whatever. I didn't mind...until I saw him in one of my classes this semester. With a popped collar, and a new pimped out unicycle. And this brand new ugly scowl on his face that he wears whenever he sees me. I went up and tried to talk to him but got completely blown off and ignored. I texted him, he picked up the phone and blocked me. What did I do? I asked him to please just tell me, and I would leave him alone after that if he wanted, but he refuses to say a word. And it really, really hurts. I don't show him of course. But it's hard to pretend I'm still doing okay, especially when everyone I talk to in that class tells me to go away because they don't like me.

I spoke to a mutual friend we have in another one of my classes, that is surprisingly still on speaking terms with me. He says he doesn't know what's up, they're not exactly friends he just knew him from the dorms. Mutual friend says his only guess is Mr. Ex-Friend had a crush on me and was devastated to find out I had a boyfriend, so is no longer talking to me because of that. I guess it's reasonable, he did stop texting a lot after that, but he was still the same when we talked in class. I'm trying to put it all behind me, but I have to see him twice a week! It's awful.

And just to add to my misery - I have to teach a lab I know nothing about next week, I also have 3 exams next week, I don't understand the material in one of my classes and no one is willing to help me including the teacher, I lost $40 gambling that I'm hating myself for, and last night my 1 year of 50% glycolic peel treatments finally peeled my skin, on the healthier portion that wasn't supposed to be targeted and leaving it angry looking, raw, red, and super painful. It's on my arm, not my face, but it still hurts and I still have to wear a jacket in 95 degree weather to hide it and to keep it safe from the sun.

Everything in my life sucks I can barely stand the depression anymore....what do I do?

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VampirePrincess Offline
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Re: My life could not possibly get any worse... - September 28th 2012, 02:26 AM

...and I guess I'm just a weird freak with no support system here too I screwed up the tests I was grading, some creepy man walked into the woman's bathroom and peered over the stall at me, and I've had 2 life threatening allergic reactions today alone and now I see no one can even offer a hug probably because I wrote too much and scared everyone away with my stupidity....

{{sending PINTEREST invites! just ask!}}

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Re: My life could not possibly get any worse... - September 28th 2012, 05:39 AM

This all sounds really hard to deal with. I know what it's like to feel completely overwhelmed by everything, because my little brother has cancer and I think my friend has depression and may be suicidal. I think the best thing you can do is find someone in your life who you trust that you can talk to. You might not have anyone like that right now, but sooner or later you WILL find someone who can be trusted and who won't "abandon" you. And you may be surprised who it is when you find them - my best confidant is the last person I would have expected.
I know everything completely sucks right now and it feels overwhelming and like it will never get better, but it WILL. I'm waiting on the same thing. Maybe when you finish college you can consider that a good time to "start fresh": Move to a different city, get a new job, go on an adventure somewhere. Just DON'T GIVE UP, and remember even the little things...a compliment, a good score on an exam, nice weather, a holiday...and keep trekking! Good luck
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