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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Validity Offline
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Unhappy I feel so crap - September 27th 2012, 04:26 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I hate myself, hate who I've become, hate who I see in the mirror.

I had this epiphany type thing last night, I was lying in bed and I was having a flashback of this day. I'll start by going back six years:

I was 9 years old, after having a stint in foster care I was glad to be home with my mother. Reasonably happy with life. I met this boy, his name was Tom, he was I think my age or older, I can't remember but in the present I feel like he was my age, perhaps a year older. But, one day he asked me to have sex with him. I was really naive and asked him what that was. Back then, he didn't know the whole penetration factor but he told me this other way. I said no. We were home alone, his grandparents were across the street talking to my mother. Tom only came down to where I lived perhaps for a week every month. BUt anyway, he told me it'd be fun. He told me all of this and I kept saying no, I didn't want to. He ripped off my shirt and pants and then licked me out. I-I am so ashamed to admit but I sort of liked it but it just felt so wrong, I tried to push him off but then he asked me to suck his cock. He threatened me again that if I didn't do it he'd kill me. I did it but I felt so dirty. So wrong.
I left, picking up the boardgame I'd brought along after getting dressed. He walked me to the door, just staring at me with this hungry look on his face.

A few months later, I ws chilling in my favourite treet, I had this tree in front of my place and I used to climb it. I sat on my favourite branch looking down at M (no need to get him involved, he was just a younger kid than I and fun to be around). Tom came over, sitting on my trampoline. I climbed down slowly and sat with him, sending M back to his place next door. He said 'Oh, remember when we did that? That was fun, wasn't it?' I stammered, looking around nervously 'Uh, yeah, I guess' What else was I supposed to say?

Now, key in the last three years. I've been going to school at a new high school across the border. These rumours kept going around that I had given a guy head and of coure I shrugged them off, thinking of nobody can really know what I did. But it felt just soo, depressing.

Then, I met this guy, Tom, I started to like him, I don't know why but I asked him out. It's not like me to be so forward but he made a big-deal out of this, every time he would pass me on the way to class he'd scream at me that he would never go out with someone like me. This was last year. This year, however, he's been after me, asking for head. Him and his group never let up.

Last night, though, I was remembering the young boy Tom, his parents lived on a farm and he'd only come when his parents were too busy at work. It makes me feel so sick, but I think Tom might be the same guy I go to school with now!
I don't want to go back now! I don't want to see him again! I just feel so shit that I ever did that! I could have run, I could have screamed but I didn't and in that moment I was reduced to someone I didn't want to be.

I don't know what to do other than die. That's how I've felt for weeks now, dead inside, faking a smile and a laugh when they were needed but giving blank stares and having to scream at Tom. I don't know what to do! I seriously don't! I want to give up, but I promised. I never break a promise but, if I did, I wouldn't have to face the guilt.

I am just so confused! My area I live in now! Tom lives in Kingcliff or Banora, they are classified as FARM LAND! -Wails- I don't know how to deal with all this! I don't want to live.

I want to fucking die and I have no motivation to stay around anymore!
I've failed.
Failed, ha, failure, me. The overacheiving little bitch/slut. Yeah. I'm a failure.

Jay. I won't hold it against anyone if they don't read the whole thing. I don't care anymore.


Buddy since 18/11/12 LiveHelp Operator since 22/12/12 Add me on Facebook Jay Louise Shorrock!
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When you can no longer think of a reason to continue, you must think of a reason to start over.
   
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Re: I feel so crap - September 28th 2012, 05:41 AM

You are not a failure. You are furthest away from being a failure. The experience you had is a very traumatic experience and it is very hard to cope with. Your life is not the end because of this and because people are mean. You just got to continue the fight and don't let them win. If you give up you are allowing them to win. And you say yourself, When you can no longer think of a reason to continue, you must think of a reason to start over. You can start over clean slate. It may not be the new environment, but you can try to forget the past and start fresh. You know that I am always going to be here for you. I'll keep you in my prayers. Stay strong. Chin Up!!

Yong Kwon
   
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Re: I feel so crap - September 29th 2012, 01:32 AM

Hello, Hope to Cope. Let me start by saying that I am very sorry that you feel this way. You are a very well-spoken, articulate young woman, and that alone makes me hope that you will not act on what you're feeling, as we need as many well-spoken, articulate young women in the world as possible.

I think the most important thing that needs to be said is that there's a name for what happened to you: rape. He raped you. He may have been young, but he knew it was wrong and he raped you. So while the shame you're feeling is a valid and reasonable response, you should know that the true sume lies with him. You did not choose what happened to you, and it is not your fault. If this is he same individual, then he is trying to make you feel so guilty and bike for what happened that you won't tell anyone the true version of events, and in this way he gains even more power over you.

My first advice is to tell someone. Not a peer, but your parents or a counselor or teacher or someone in a position to truly help you. I would go so far as to say that you may consider contacting a source that specifically helps victims of rape. Even if you do not think what happened fouled be classified as rape, I think you might find some solace in the type of help and counseling they offer. I would urge you to do a little research on the Internet and explore this option.

More than anything, I implore you to not sit on this any longer. You do not have to be a prisoner to the past. You are not alone, you are not ruined or damaged and your life is not over. You can live a full life, a happy life; please do not let him win by allowing yourself to be tortured by this any longer. There are always options.
   
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