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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
BlueWolf Offline
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Name: Jessica
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Regressing - September 27th 2012, 03:01 PM

Everything I have been working so hard for keeps falling a part, and there is no one to turn to or anything to do. Everything that is happening is harshly effecting me. Normally, yes, I am depressed. I also typically have fluctuating moods and some sort of drive to achieve my goals even if my motivation is not what you would expect. I was already barely able to get through the day. I would cut, take pills, or drive to a friends in the middle of the night, whatever it took to keep going. I was not getting better, nor was I getting worse. Some days were worse than others though depending on what stressors I faced. If something good happened, it was an ok day. If something bad happened, the entire world was falling a part and I had to cut to keep going.

Now, it's not like that. My moods are not fluctuating as much, and I do not mean from happy to sad. More like... I feel ok then I am bitching, then I am crying, then I am... whatever. Like intense mood swings. These have decreased and the depression has gotten worse. I think the reason I have been less reactive is because I am giving myself less to react to. I am avoiding everyone. I was trying so hard to reconnect with old friends and make new ones. I joined a club at my college, talked to people online, met new friends through old ones, and hung out with old friends. Now, I find myself avoiding people as much as possible and I almsot feel embarressed to talk to them. I don't know why. I normally do not like the way I am or my appearance, but I usually just deal with it like everything else. This is the way it has always been. Why is it suddenly bothering me so much more? I had adjusted to living the way I do. I am used to my anxiety and panic attacks, gotten used to facing the day feeling hopeless and worthless, and worst of all alone. I came t terms that the world is not a good place and I was going to spit in its face someday and do what I want, but... reality sets in... years later... I've gotten no where.

I have no job. I have been vigorously looking and I was terminated from my last one. I just could not keep up and became overwhelmed. I am still in college by some miracle despite being as poor as dirt and getting poorer still. The money I saved up from my job is almost gone and that's all I have for gas to get to school. Too bad I don't know anyone who lives in my area who goes to my college so I could car pool. I cannot get a loan either. I have to have a co-signer and my entire family refuses to sign. Speaking of college I went to making all As and Bs to failing everything. Why? I study my ass off just to fail. When I take the test I realize that no matter how much I study, I would not be prepared for it. I tried to get tutoring, but no one tutors for the classes I am taking. I need these classes it's not like I can take some others. All I do is hide away and study, study, study, study. When I try to have fun, like I said, I hide away. Now, I stopped studying. It didn't make difference. I'm getting the same grades even though I sleep all fucking day now and miss my morning classes because I sleep till 2 or 3, go to class and go back to sleep at 8. I just don't care anymore. If I don't improve my GPA I cannot trasnfer. I cannot keep taking classes because once I have so many credits the university will not accept me. I can't try another one because they don't offer my major. Try another major? Fuck it, I'd rather rip my eyeballs out. I have two I am interested in, and both are at one university. Another state? No money. Live there for a year first? With what money? Get a job? Last I checked I've been trying to no avail.

I am stuck. My cat... the only one I felt would never leave me... my ex has her. I cannot keep her anymore because my aunt won't let me. Yes, I have to live with my aunt. My mom stays with my grandfather for now and I hate living with someone who treats me badly. She has been doing better now that she sees the damange that has been done, but it's too late. Soon she won't be able to stay there and she says she does not have the money to help me anymore. I'll be cut off entirely. So unless I find a job, my only option is to stay with my grandparents who are the only people who help me. Too bad they live in another state and I would have to put off school for ANOTHER year. I FEAR leaving... no... beyond fear. And I don't know why. It does not feel like an option for me. I don't understand why I feel like if I go I will die. It literally feels that way for me. Even a short visit is very hard for me to manage. I get much more depressed and anxious there. I feel alienated there. And more alone that ever to the point where it feels like I don't even exist and everything around me is fake constantly. Sure, I feel like that sometimes, but not constantly like I do when I am there.

Recently, one of my friends betrayed me. This is not a new thing either. I used to date him a long time ago and we have been talking for a long time. Then he expressed to me he still had feelings for me and blah blah blah. So we were going to try again. The reason we broke up was because I started feeling insufficiant and I was moving too. Anyway, he ended up leaving me for some else then when she left he came back said he made a mistake and wanted a second chance. I gave it too him. After awhile he convinced me to... hmmm.... yeah.... so after we did that he stopped talking to me and started ignoring me. That day. Lovely huh? I never cried. Not once. Why? Heh, why bother? It's nothing new. Nothing different. Honestly, I was expecting something of the sort to occur because not once had something gone right. Not once. Of course this stirs up old memories that I try to block out.

What do I do now? I keep trying to get through school... when I am not sleeping. Sure, I try to keep talking to people and making new friends, but it does not really work out. Everytime I try I get my hopes up and they crash. So why keep getting my hopes up? I stopped cutting. Not because I am doing better, but because it stopped helping. The last time I tried no matter how many or how deep, it did not help. I went out of control and still nothing. So I don't bother anymore. It doesn't help that my legs are covered in scars, from both cutting and burning. Yes, I did angel dust one day and freaked out. I stared burning my legs with a butane lighter. So much for wearing shorts or dresses.

Let's not forget... either my body is dying from stress or something is physically wrong. Before I was diagosed with my lovely list of mental illnesses, I was checked out and everything was normaly. However, there are more and more arising problems physically. Such as my hair has gotten thinner (I am too young for that to be happening!!), I am unintentionally loosing asignificant amount of weight and I am noticably underweight, there are days where I feel like I'm going to literally pass out from exhuastion, and I still have back pain (probably from an old injury). I have had my thyriod checked mutliple times but it came back completely normal. I don't have the money to find out what is wrong. So I deal with it just like I deal with everything else and assume it is stress. My psychiatrist is extremely considered about my physical well being because of how much it is deteriating. I am trying to go to a free health care clinic, but I don't have enough information to prove I am poor. Ummm hello... too poor to pay taxes here! What tax returns? What income? I mean really... no one believes that I am actually doing that bad. So I was rejected. Pft.

My future, my hopes and dreams were the only things that motivated me. They kept me going through everything. I kept finding new ways that I can still achieve them, but the closer I get the more impossible they seem. Even my advisor looks at me funny because she knows that I cannot get there from my standing point. Everyone is pressuring me to find another dream, do something else, but honestly... there would be no meaning in it. I cannot just force myself to want something. How can I be happy like that? That's not me. Nothing was ever right to begin with, but what kept me going has vanished. I cannot just make up something new. I have been trying to find new things to get into that I never knew existed, but still... I have no interest and I only end up feeling more miserable. That was all I had to hold onto and I feel like it's gone. It's too late. I messed up and ran out of chances and options. And this life... it's too much to take with nothing to hold onto.

Self-harm free since 10.1.2013
"You have not failed if you learned something from it."
"Life's not about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain"
"Weak heart, Dying soul, Falling apart, Make me whole, These broken blues, Peirce your being, Hide the truth, You won't be seeing."
"Deeper, Deeper, Deeper inside me I live a life that seems to be a lost reality."
"Big Brother is watching."

  (#2 (permalink)) Old
jinxed angel Offline
Helplessy Hopeless
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Name: Siera
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Re: Regressing - October 6th 2012, 03:11 AM

Go for your dreams, don't worry about what others think you can and can't do. You can do it if you keep working at it.

I'm so tired of pretending everything's okay, my tears are starting to show and my smile is fading away.
PM or VM me if you need me, I'm here if you need someone to talk to or to just listen. I also have most messangers if you want to talk on one of those.

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