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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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Unhappy My life , the way people see it, compared to how it actually is. - September 30th 2012, 11:12 AM

When I was in middle school I would always be sent to the office, always getting in trouble, I've gotten suspended about four times in one month , the last suspension of that month I went to therapy which was recommended by my principle, and the time I spent with my therapist I had realized my life was crap, I don't like calling it a life cuz it never felt like one , my therapist always talked about my "life", she would ask questions like , " what's the best thing that ever happened in your life, I would sit there quiet thinking about that question realizing I don't have one, all I could remember are bad things. Going to therapy, realizing my life had sucks , I started becoming depressed , I had become really quiet at my school,I would let people pick on me, my grades began to fall,etc. During the last few days of therapy I acted happy so my therapist wouldn't realize I was sad, I also started doing drugs,for the last few weeks of middle school. Im in high school now, feeling depressed from time to time now, I had gotten suspended for something I had not done , but as I have said I really didn't care anymore. When I went up to the office, I talked with the principle, he told me he hates people like me, he must of thought I was popular. He told me I go out with my " friends , to the movies, I have an I pod, etc. he said I make my parents waste their time by coming to school to pick me up cuz I'm in trouble. I don't have any of that, I don't have friends, i don't have an I pod, I never go out, I'm not popular. I felt like shit, my parents, brothers hated me that day, it was also the day day I had written my suicide note, when my mother dropped me of at home , I ran to my room crying, swallowing pain killers, anything I could get a hold of. As punishment I had to go work to gain the time my parents wasted in picking me up from school,I felt my heart beating fast, my whole body started to shake while my parent drove me to work,but I had failed at that too, I had failed at killing myself. I just got knocked out by the drugs. I suck at everything, at life, and death, now I just stay awake everyday since, I can't sleep.
   
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Re: My life , the way people see it, compared to how it actually is. - September 30th 2012, 10:01 PM

No kid should go through that.

I've never been through a real depression, but my sister has. And she still has it. But I'd say the closest I've ever gotten to feeling is depressed is when I'm telling myself I'm a loser, no one loves me, I have no friends, and feeling one of the most horrible feelings I've felt: the feeling of being utterly alone, in a roomful of people.

But would you believe me if I told you that even during that someone loved me? And that there has always been some there for me, even before I realized it?

It's the same for you.
You may not realize it.

I used to be like you, in a way. I had friends, but they weren't really friends. They were just the people who allowed me to stand in their group. They made me feel like I had to act as someone else to be with them. They made me feel awkward and self-conscious. I'm not sure if they are the reason I became that, but I did.

But I met someone and he has stayed my friend forever. He has shown me that real friends care and love, no matter what I do. No matter how much I hurt him, when I apologize he welcomes me back as a friend, as he has been all along.
I love him so much! And I know now that he's been waiting for me to figure that out. He's been waiting for me to notice him.

It was rough at first. Some people stared and mocked us, laughed at our friendship. But he still stayed friends with me, even during the times when I gave in and told people I didn't know my best friend. At times, I'm amazed that he has stayed friends with me! Even after I left him alone to join the crowd in doing something he did not approve of...How is he still my friend?

"I love you, he says. And I can't do anything to earn this love, or do anything to take his love away.

I wish I had listened to him when I first started being his friend!
I used to do all sorts of tedious things, just so he would love me. But one day he told me again, "You don't need to be someone else for me, you don't need to do anything to earn my friendship, because I already love you and my love is free and cannot be bought."
He continued, "If you're really my friend and if you really love me, you'll start to change. I'll start to change YOU."

He was right. Being around him so much has changed me, and I love that change. Now I can smile as I walk through the school hallways and I don't feel ugly or alone. I can smile because I know I'm worth something, because he loves me, even when no one else does.
And yeah, we do go through rough times, and it's always me getting angry or dejected, but he never changes. Amazing how he can smile and love me every single day, when I find myself having days where I want to push him away and complain.
But he is VERY persistent. Never left me once.

"And I never will," he tells me.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is that, some day you'll find someone who loves you as much as my friend loves me, but you have to look for him. He's always there waiting for you. Once he has you he won't let you go. Now you may leave him, and I hope you don't, but HE will never leave you.

And if you don't know where to look for a friend like this, I'll give you a hint,
His name is Jesus.


"Be strong and bold; have no fear or dread of them, because it is the LORD your God who goes with you; he will not fail you or forsake you." (Deut. 31:6 NRSV of the Bible)
   
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Re: My life , the way people see it, compared to how it actually is. - October 2nd 2012, 06:06 AM

Hey there, sorry for the late-ish reply.

Listen, depression is no fun and you shouldn't pretend to be happy. I mean, yeah, it is earier to fake it than confront it. You're not a failure because you didn't succeed in killing yourself, you're a success because now you can grow from that experience, and in ten years time you can look back and be like wow, I can't ebelieve I ever did that, look at me now. And you'll see that was just an obstruction in your way.

You will make friends, find the one you're meant to be with, and if you do want to believe in something, turn to a religions (no, I'm not going to try and put you in one because I know how that felt). Everyone has to believe in something and usually that faith makes us grow stronger.

Keep faith, gorgeous,
you have your whol life ahead of you,

Jay.


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My blog is open to all, those whom are easily triggered avoid, it's a story about a girl and her life and how far she has come over the years. If you read it, I hope it inspires you to keep fighting and to NEVER give up!

When you can no longer think of a reason to continue, you must think of a reason to start over.
   
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