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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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Joshie Offline
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Post Back at it again - October 1st 2012, 02:12 PM

Well, as it seems ive came back to this forumn yet again for help after a year or more of not using it and im back in my old delema, im suicidal and wish to die but just cant seem to do it. And to elaborate on that "cant seem to do it part", ive now as years have passed been hospitalized 2x for O.D. using a bunch of ceroquel to put me to sleep for the whole process. but Those are gone and no more pills are available. I then tried to hang myself cleverly by using the spare cash in my wallet to buy a extra stregnth rope from walmart, i then proceeded to the place at the time where me and my best friend always went walking through the woods to get away from peple, i had the rope set up and my notes written out (even included the times through my though processes as if it was some damn kind of study or something for sociology) and thenn like always i wasnt able to kill myself because everybody incited a riot and next thing i knew my best friends brother was walking through the woods and spotted me sitting up their with a rope dangling... ended that one went to thier house and continued to live life after that, and NOW! im back here awaiting a way for my mind to depict my self-way of killing myself. Not but 2 days ago i drove out to another spot that i thought was good enough, this was where me and my best friend went swimming all the time and could just escape away from everyone. I brought with my 2 Knifes (one being razor sharp and another was just there bcause it was the one my grampa left me when he died), a tie off band (to increase circulation to the area for the moment before the cut), a ice pack (cyro's the area to numb it and also if chilled to long has adverse affect on blood flow) and a hot pack (one everything was one remove band and heat above cut to increase circulation so faster bleed vs time.) along with all the over counter mild-pain releivers u could imagine. I was in the woods now parked in my car, had music going and my arm was ready and tied off. but after 26 missed calls and 9-12 texts. Someone 1 phone call got anwsered without me pushing the ignore button and their she was on the phone with me her crying more the I, my best frend... Heart now broken 2 ways i headed to her house again to just sit and decay more of myself slowly.

So, now i am hear and you've read what has happened i just wanted to ask why i cant just die? i dont wanna live its just that simple.. I cant remember ANY of my childhood, even with my hardest concentraction of thought i cant remember my past but blurrs and nothing i try helps. Ive been on 3 different anti-depression medications (Zoalof, Prozac, some all natural thing [sorry for miss spelling of pill names]), ive seen therapist and thats just a repeative bunch of bull shit if i do say so myself. They find 1 key factor that you mentioned first session and your stuck to that the rest of the time... and you know what. Ive even been institionalized 2x now. 1x during High school when i was just depressed they had me talk to the counsellor against what i wanted and Emited me by having a police officer come to my school and drag me away in hand cuff to take me to a mental facility. FUCK ALL OF THEM! mental places dont help! they hurt! i sat their every night by myself crying for hours and as a guy thats hard to do for me, i dont cry when i get the crap kicked out of me but locked me in a all white room with a twin size matress that has straps unused on the side and i ball like a infant girl. I lied my way out of their because everytime i spoke they added a week it seemed... (was in there the first time for 2 weeks... Completely disappeared from high school during middle of exam projects to get mentaly facilitized...).. I got out and was feeling like completely spat out shit so i called my best friend to come get me and bring my medical pet (o yes did i forget to mention i have a damn medical pet to ontop of everything else..) and we went back to life for a total of .... 3! fucking days.. then i got sent back into their. This time they only kept me a week, They had brought in a new therapist that i had never spoke to before and with her came interns to the field of work.. oo my first homicidal thought was great, I was gonn pin the bitch to the wall with the big hard pick thing that was sticking out of her hair. THey sat there for 30-45 minutes talking about me, right on front of me none the less... and referred to me in 3rd person saying "cases like mine wont get better, blah, blah, blah."... Pure torture.. after that she made me promise that i would stay and get help, well i sure did keep that promise. i stayed 1 1/2 more hours after that and went AMA (against medical Advice) and left that wretched place.. this time i walked home.

Several suicide attempts over 5 years.. all being failures but leaving more plot twists in my head and increasing in idealism behind them i just dont know what else i can do... I get looked at like im just a "suicide patient" (got reffered to by this when i was "unconcious" from being hospitalized but i heard what the nurse said...). Every day is just more pain it seems, Even my damn body seems to half give up on me, Both of my shoulders now come out of place from time to time, ive been under going months of stomach dialysis (they though i had crohns for a month and now i have nothing? 1k down the drain for them poking and proding at me..) i dont eat but maybe 1-2x a day and thats if my best friend can overwhelmingly convince me to do so, I dont have energy, i lay in be all day when i can cause thats all i want to do and that just makes me stay awake in the early morning which i call "haunting hours" cause thats when its even worse.. no one can help you in the early morning cause no onewants to wake up apparently..


..I just wanna give up..


Growing up is fun; So get out there and Experience new things.

JUST BE SAFE DURING ALL THIS FUN.
~Josh
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  (#2 (permalink)) Old
Validity Offline
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Re: Back at it again - October 2nd 2012, 10:33 AM

Hey there mate, I'm so sorry for all you've been through, but obviously you have people whom care so much about you and that after all these past "failures" (I use this loosely because it really isn't a failure but a rock obstructing your path, pretty much), you're still around for a reason! No matter how bad you feel it can get better, but only if you stay positive and stop dwelling. You can move on to a betterplace.

Less than 24 hours ago I was ready to take all my stupid pills and now I'm focusing on my future college. Although I still have that intention to do so I am fighting, and so can you!
I would soooo rather not be able to remember my past experiences, my living hell if you will, and you're life is a blurr. I'm actually jealous if you can believe. Mate, you have a purpose to be here, you were born for a reason and not to be a guinea pig trying all kinds of anti-depressants and then giving up.

You can fight, if you tried, you'd find that you are pretty strong.

You still have a lot of living to do, so don't waste it!

If you EVER want to talk send me a VM/PM, I'm sorry nobody else commented, I really am.

Best of luck,
Jay.


Buddy since 18/11/12 LiveHelp Operator since 22/12/12 Add me on Facebook Jay Louise Shorrock!
A whisper in the dark; is better than silence in the light. -Courtesy of your's truly.
My blog is open to all, those whom are easily triggered avoid, it's a story about a girl and her life and how far she has come over the years. If you read it, I hope it inspires you to keep fighting and to NEVER give up!

When you can no longer think of a reason to continue, you must think of a reason to start over.
   
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Re: Back at it again - October 3rd 2012, 02:25 AM

Well thank you. Y'all have proven my point exactly. 1 person replied just like how only 1 person in my life really even cares to keep up with my delema. So to you sir I say thank you. Thank you very much.

To the rest of you who have viewed this and made this post more into a street window in Amsterdam (look but no buy) ill thank you also. I have recently made a road trip to see my mother to have dinner and talk and without her knowing she has gave me every single little pill I need for my next attempt [hopefully this one will be it..] but with even higher grade now then what I first tried with. This time now I'll be using a lot of oxy's and more of the family of high class pain narcotics.

The benefits of your mom blaming you for her miscarriages when that's utterly impossible to actually happen....and keeping the plethora of pain pills she got from all of this and for leaving them safely in a wide open unlocked cabinet.

Thank you again sir for posting back and rest. Thanks for making my thoughts and feelings a window for you to look at and laugh then go away silently from. What a join it is to not post after reading..

Have a nice life people cause mines gonna go about be about 4 days.


Growing up is fun; So get out there and Experience new things.

JUST BE SAFE DURING ALL THIS FUN.
~Josh
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Joshie Offline
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Name: Joshh
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Re: Back at it again - October 3rd 2012, 02:34 AM

Well thank you. Y'all have proven my point exactly. 1 person replied just like how only 1 person in my life really even cares to keep up with my delema. So to you sir I say thank you. Thank you very much.

To the rest of you who have viewed this and made this post more into a street window in Amsterdam (look but no buy) ill thank you also. I have recently made a road trip to see my mother to have dinner and talk and without her knowing she has gave me every single little pill I need for my next attempt [hopefully this one will be it..] but with even higher grade now then what I first tried with. This time now I'll be using a lot of oxy's and more of the family of high class pain narcotics.

The benefits of your mom blaming you for her miscarriages when that's utterly impossible to actually happen....and keeping the plethora of pain pills she got from all of this and for leaving them safely in a wide open unlocked cabinet.

Thank you again sir for posting back and rest. Thanks for making my thoughts and feelings a window for you to look at and laugh then go away silently from. What a join it is to not post after reading..

Have a nice life people cause mines gonna go about be about 4 days.


Growing up is fun; So get out there and Experience new things.

JUST BE SAFE DURING ALL THIS FUN.
~Josh
  Send a message via MSN to Joshie  
  (#5 (permalink)) Old
Validity Offline
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Name: Jay
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Re: Back at it again - October 3rd 2012, 02:36 AM

Listen mate! This doesn't prove anything! At the same time as your post I had three other pages to go through to see what you wrote! The point is you see my threads? Most have only one post or if I'm lucky two.
It's not because people don't care, it is because they don't know how to reply.
This is a community of teens/some older, but we don't know all the right words to say at times. If someone is grieving for someone all we can do is say I'm sorry for your loss.

I know how you feel, and honestly I don't think my life will last as long as yours but you have been through so much and you've overcome that. Don't go back to what you began doing. You can move on. You don't have to take all those pills. PLease, don't do it!
We all care, not just me and not just that friend who calls you up but everyone does. They don't want to see you do this.

I want to help you mate.

Jay.


Buddy since 18/11/12 LiveHelp Operator since 22/12/12 Add me on Facebook Jay Louise Shorrock!
A whisper in the dark; is better than silence in the light. -Courtesy of your's truly.
My blog is open to all, those whom are easily triggered avoid, it's a story about a girl and her life and how far she has come over the years. If you read it, I hope it inspires you to keep fighting and to NEVER give up!

When you can no longer think of a reason to continue, you must think of a reason to start over.
   
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