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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
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That moment when you know.. - October 3rd 2012, 01:18 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I just know I'm not worth breathing this air.

My best friend is ditching me for my ex, and her now ex and their group of guy friends. I've brought it up to her multiple times, and she won't fix it. I've brought it up to her just now, but I'm sure she won't fix it.
If I think about my future, a huge thought is that I'm going to die alone. I *hate* caring about people. I have friends, and of course I care about them. But I mean like, in romantic ways. And I hate when people care/worry about me. I just hate it so much. I'm not on this site so you can worry about me. I just need help that won't be judged and cause people to worry.
So like.. What good am I? I don't have a "special someone" out there waiting for me (I only bring that up, because my friends bring up that point a lot.. I'm not boy-crazy or anything). My friends obviously don't care much for me. And I'm not really that special anyway.

I don't even know what to do. I hate attention and I hate being cared for. I hate praise, because I know I don't deserve it. I hate getting presents, but I don't really know one solid reason for that.
I now get *really* bad migraines along with super serious nausea because of stress. I hate myself. I'm usually *always* positive, but people still expect more.
I can't do any more! I only do so much! Nobody bloody gets that!
I'm just so done. Literally, the only reason I don't kill myself now is because I have an Ed Sheeran concert in January, and he is literally the only thing holding me together. Not even joking, and I know it's sad. But he is the only thing holding the parts of me together.

and Idk what to do.


   
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Re: That moment when you know.. - October 3rd 2012, 03:38 PM

Hey Abigail,

Oh darling take a deep breath. Just breathe for a little bit. Let down the barriers. Stop acting. Don't fake a smile. Don't mask how you're feeling. You're hurting, I get that. I can't fix that, and I wish I could. I'm not saying that just because it sounds good or whatever. I do care about you. I know you don't like being cared about, maybe (and I'm guessing here, correct me if I'm wrong) because being cared about means that you have to worry about hurting that person, and pushing people away is so much easier to face sometimes. But Abigail, as humans, we're all in this together, and we all need a little bit of help sometimes. We all need a bit of care. We aren't machines, we can't keep going forever and ever and ever. Sometimes we need a break. Sometimes we need help.

Anyway, I'm going to mention the 'special someone' bit first, because that's a part I can emphize a bit with. I'm not going to pretend I know how you feel- hell no. But I do remember crying myself to sleep, sure I was going to be forever alone and nothing but a waste of space. Those thoughts are hard to deal with, huh? You need to realise that just because you feel something, doesn't mean it's true. Just because you feel worthless, doesn't mean you are. I actually have solid proof of this, too

In this thread here you helped someone out a lot. You gave them some really good advice that probably helped them a lot. Here you offered your support to someone, which again, probably helped them a lot. You did the same here here and here. I'd go and find some more threads where you've really helped out, but you get the point. You've helped people- hell you could have saved some lives. How can you be worthless, love? Helping people out is a solid point that proves that you are a caring, sweet and gentle soul. And, for the record- you earned that praise, so you do deserve it.

I'm sorry your friend is acting the way she is right now. Sometimes, when boys get involved, judgement can get clouded. Like bees to a honey pot (wait, that doesn't make sense. Bees make honey, they don't eat it. Oh well :P ) your friend might not even realise how much she's hurting you. I know you've said you've tried to fix it, but you could you try again and just let her know you need her right now? If not, you could always try and become friends with this boy and his group of friends- if your best friend likes them, they can't be that bad, right?

I think I got distracted. Back to the forever alone part. You're young, darling. Some people don't find love until they're 60, others find it when they're 20. You never know- you could meet your future partner tomorrow, or next week. Don't get yourself hung up on this, you have your whole life to live.

Although it might not feel like it, a lot of the things we think others expect of us, are actually the things we expect of ourselves. Has anyone ever specifically told you they expect you to be positive and cheery all of the time? It's an unrealistic expectation. Humans aren't programmed to be happy happy happy. Everyone needs down time, but we have to be open about it. It's alright to cry, darling, but cry when someone will hold you, be that a parent, a friend....anyone. People do care. Really think about other's expectations of you. Are you sure they aren't your own?

It doesn't matter what reason you hold on to life. So long as you hold on, it's all good and you'll get there. "Just reach the horizon, I promise it's not as far as you think." Music saved me, too. It saves a lot of people. Music can stroke a place in our hearts words can't reach.

Stay strong, and I'm always here if you ever need to talk about anything.

Jezza x



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Re: That moment when you know.. - October 3rd 2012, 11:46 PM

See and the funny thing is that so many people don't care. That hurts. I'm just so done with everything.

I can't be friends with the guys she's ditching me for. Well, I like all of them except one, who is my ex. He kept trying to force me to be more physical in the relationship, was mega clingy, tried to change me, etc. and I want *nothing* to do with him.


   
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Re: That moment when you know.. - October 13th 2012, 03:41 AM

ABIGAIL! Oh my gosh can you take me to see the ginger jesus with you?! Oh my god! (Sorry I had to say that lol) anyways...you should talk to your bff:/ You need to keep holding on and stay strong love. you won't die forever alone..I'm sure of it! Maybe right now it's not the time for you to fall in love but you'll find someone..I don't know if there's another life after this one but right now you need to enjoy this one..imagine just being gone..without knowing if you're going to have kids or get married or whatever just because you killed yourself..I always think of that whenever I'm sad...take a deep breath<3<3
   
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Re: That moment when you know.. - October 13th 2012, 11:37 PM

The ginger jesus part made me happy and hurt at the same time.

I talked to her this Friday, because we hung out after-school (until 7:30 at night, we just went around the city and talked so much), and she said she's going to make this right. I'm not holding her to anything though.

Talking with her has almost made me realised that, yes, I will be alone. A thing about my friend; she is perfect. She is smart, arts-y, beautiful, and just.. PERFECT. She has my ex crushing on her, a guy from her camp crushing on her, and she got back together with her ex who is crazy about her. She is stressing over it, and I understand. I can see how that could be a potentially stressful situation. But compare that to me; I'm the utter opposite of perfect (ugly, stupid, worthless, etc), and nobody chases after me. I will never understand the situation that she is in on a been-there kind of level. Nobody likes me. Nobody would care if I never showed up again.

At this point, I'm just numb. I can barely cry any more. Typing this is the closest I've gotten to crying while everything inside is just dying, and I don't know what to do. I just want to end it. If, on some rare chance, somebody is affected, they'll get over it. My sisters have each other, and they've never seemed to favour me anyway. My friends have other friends, and everyone else will just be like "Huh, oh well. One less person breathing my air. The halls will probably be more quiet now; finally."

So it's like.. I would be doing a good service for everyone.


   
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Re: That moment when you know.. - October 15th 2012, 09:28 PM

Just a bump because I really need help. I told my best friend today that I was planning on ending it this year, and she says she won't tell anybody but will try to change my mind.

I just... I don't even know any more.


   
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Re: That moment when you know.. - October 15th 2012, 09:47 PM

message me and talk to me about i really want to help you, i enjoyed our chat yesterday you seem a really amazing, beautiful person. come speak to me x
   
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Re: That moment when you know.. - October 16th 2012, 03:23 AM

.

At this point, I'm just numb. I can barely cry any more. Typing this is the closest I've gotten to crying while everything inside is just dying, and I don't know what to do. I just want to end it. If, on some rare chance, somebody is affected, they'll get over it. My sisters have each other, and they've never seemed to favour me anyway. My friends have other friends, and everyone else will just be like "Huh, oh well. One less person breathing my air. The halls will probably be more quiet now; finally."

So it's like.. I would be doing a good service for everyone.


hehe he's the best<3 love him so much<3
Well that's good that you talked to her! Believe me! you won't be alone..you don't know what the future holds for you! I'm sure you're perfect in other things! and I could bet there's someone in your school who might actually have a secret crush on you. I don't think you're worthless or stupid..I mean come on you like Ed Sheeran..a person who likes Ed isn't stupid.
Oh love don't say that It breaks my heart! What if someone really cares? Don't hurt yourself! :/ Someone will chase after you soon!
I know how you feel! but you seem like an amazing person so don't do it! No one is heartless enough to not care! You won't be doing a good service for anyone..you hear me? ANYONE..I know this girl who's best friend killed himself..he thought nobody cared and that he was worthless..after he killed himself his best friend fell into depression, his family who he thought didn't care, fall apart..the whole school was traumatize. Don't ever say you'll do anyone a good service because all you will do is hurt them :/ Talk to me if you ever feel sad but please please don't hurt yourself I don't want to come here and see you never replied O.o that would be scary:/Xx
   
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Re: That moment when you know.. - October 16th 2012, 10:10 AM

Thanks loves. But I really can't buy the whole thing about people missing me; nor am I beautiful and I'm really not that amazing. I don't know why people keep saying that, but nobody will notice me leaving. When I told my best friend about this, she said she needed time to completely process this; but she also said "I'll miss my Abi hugs!" and hugged me... Dollface, I'm not gone yet. Physically, anyway. And now she's going to treat me differently; I know of it.

Nobody is going to chase after me! I doubt *anybody* at my school has a "secret crush" on me. It just doesn't even make sense to me. That's not possible. I'm not somebody loves like that; everyone seems to either think I'm weird, avoid, or treat me like a little sister. That's it! Or, like my ex boyfriend did, they'll try to change me to be like my best friend. THAT wasn't cool. I can't go anywhere without being compared to someone, and I will absolutely *never* compete.


   
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Re: That moment when you know.. - October 16th 2012, 10:26 AM

Hey there, when I read the title 'that moment when you know' I just wanted to tell you that you should know that you're beautiful, amazing, talented and the best friend anyone could ever have!

I don't exactly know your age, love, but I'm guessing mid teens, if so, having a boyfriend at our age is swell but my old therapist told me a lot of people become who they are meant to be in their early to mid twenties, realising their true potention and who they want to be with. So at our age, even though if is possible, it's sort of pointless having a guy around. My friends and I all agreed not to chase after guys but wait, sort of fell apart when A got a boyfriend, S has a guy chasing her and J is friends with benefits with a guy. I'm the odd one out, lol, I've always been the one guys go ew about, I agree with them and believe my friends are sexy and beautiful and I'm not jealous because I know something good may come my way.

But, honey, all you have to do is wait, wait for that perfect moment, you'll know that moment. Just be patient and enjoy having friendships with guys, because along the way, they could progress.

Good luck, feel free to message me if you ever need.

Jay.


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Re: That moment when you know.. - October 16th 2012, 01:37 PM

See, that's the thing. I'm very realistic, and I know that relationships at this age that last forever are extremely few and far between. But my friend has countless guys chasing her (including my ex, which I have already explained) and she is perfect in *everything*. What good am I? When you have people like her in the world, why do you need an "average" like me taking up oxygen.

Guys come and go; I completely understand that. At this point, I'm not even sure if I can even see myself ending up with someone; it is so absurd. But it'd be nice to be wanted. It'd be nice to know I mean something to someone. Is it wrong that I want someone to save me? Is that selfish?

And what bothers me more... I don't really think I'm "extra" good at anything. I used to be fairly good at soccer (in elementary school through middle school, I was personally requested by at least 10 teams, played on 5, and random coaches/parents/people who saw the game could recognise me off the field). But now I've had a year off from bone surgery (got injured during a practice), and I'm just doubting myself so much. I start back in winter... And terrified I won't be good enough.

I write decent-below average poems, my singing voice is average in my opinion (drama teacher insists it's "beautiful" but I doubt it) and I'm gross looking and just... Average! Why am I even here? Why? I'm not needed.


   
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Re: That moment when you know.. - October 16th 2012, 10:06 PM

Of course they're gonna miss you! Dude you're really pretty and I'm jealous If people say that maybe it's because it's true? Yes they will:/ I think that was wrong of her saying that like if she knows that you'll do it? Well yeah..
haha you never know? My best friend used to think that and now she' dating this guy who had a crush on her for ages!I'm not even kidding! Well I totally agree that isn't cool! I know exactly how it feels but you can't do this to yourself, compare to others and try to change yourself, someone will fall for you maybe not tonight but in the future, just think about it...ever the weirdest kids in school have relationships!
   
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Re: That moment when you know.. - October 16th 2012, 11:28 PM

Why are you jealous?! Girl, have you seen your face?? You have nothing to be jealous of.

I don't know; I just can't believe it. My best friend, the one I talked about earlier, are together a lot; she will always be better than me. She will always get the guys' attention and I'll always be the one awkwardly there. Even when she has a bf... She still gets all of the guys' attention. So no.

Nobody will care either; I absolutely 100% promise you that. It would happen, people would be all "Oh hey, where's Abigail?" and then they'd learn, *maybe* be a bit sad, but be over it by the next day. Not a big deal to anybody.


   
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Re: That moment when you know.. - October 17th 2012, 12:15 AM

Sadly I see it everytime I look in the mirror haha..nu uhhhh..have you seen YOUR face?!
There's always going to be people who are better than us but don't let this be a reason for you to end up your life!
People care, believe it or not..they care. It is a big deal! Losing someone is a big deal and I take it from experience don't say that:/
   
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Re: That moment when you know.. - October 17th 2012, 12:18 AM

If you really saw it in the mirror, you wouldn't be jealous! Unfortunately I see my face.. Bloody horrible sight, really.

Everybody usually has one amazing skill that sets them apart. I don't.

They really *don't* care. Maybe two of my friends MAYBE will actually care. That's it.


   
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Re: That moment when you know.. - October 17th 2012, 01:03 AM

Oh don't be silly you big fat liar

I bet you do! What are you good at?
Your family will care!!! Your friends, everyone!
   
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Re: That moment when you know.. - October 17th 2012, 10:11 AM

Fat.. That's another thing I am. Fat. Like, obese whale fat.

I don't know what I'm good at! That's what I'm saying!

My family has three other sisters who are closer with each other anyway, and my parents will probably be happy that I'm out of the way since I'm probably such a burden.


   
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Re: That moment when you know.. - October 17th 2012, 10:46 PM

Oh gosh I'm sorry! You don't look fat in that picture over there<--- O.o
Well you must be good at something..a subject? or dancing or I dont know?!

The fact that you're saying that breaks my heart, ofcourse your parents will be upset!!! I doubt they think that of their own child!
   
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Re: That moment when you know.. - October 17th 2012, 11:55 PM

I am fat. Idk how you don't see it. I'm basically a whale..

Ha, I'm English; I can't dance for my life. I don't one unique thing about me.

No way. My parents would *not* care. Trust me. Mum used to / sometimes still does hit me. My parents are also separated.


   
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Re: That moment when you know.. - October 18th 2012, 12:30 AM

Well the picture in your profile begs to differ!
English? See, you're good at English..what are your dreams and hopes? Dancing is fun:P oh dont say that!
Aw I'm really sorry about that/</3
   
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Re: That moment when you know.. - October 18th 2012, 01:44 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by TheQuietGirl View Post
I just know I'm not worth breathing this air.
You couldn't be more wrong. You were born, and everyone who is born has a purpose in life. Some of us just don't find it till we are much older.
I'm sorry for what I'm about to say next, but of course not that sorry or I wouldn't say it, but it needs to be said. So here goes... bare with me please.

Stop. Being. Negative.

Seriously. A lot of the reason why you are probably depressed is because you can not take a compliment. Someone says you're beautiful, and you immediately shut them down.
I want you to do this. Not try to do it, just do it.
Next time someone says something nice about you. Say "thank you", and soak that compliment up, and smile. Don't push it away, and deny it.
Cause I'm not sure if you are the same way, but for me complimenting someone is VERY hard for me to do, so when I do say something nice about someone I REALLY mean it.

So next time someone compliments you, think about how that was probably not easy for them to spit out in the first place. So appreciate it, and you will soon build confidence very quickly.

You are so special, and yes, I looked at your picture, and you are so beautiful. You are not fat. If you think you're fat, then you need to stop listening to all the media lies about what is beautiful.

I know it seems like no one is out there for you when you have been alone for a long time.
I am 21, and I haven't had a boyfriend since I was 17. I still believe he is out there though. I believe that God will bring him to me at the right time.
You should believe that too, cause when the right time comes, he will be there.
I don't know you, and I don't know what you are going through, but you seem to not be emotionally steady. So if you got a boyfriend right now, how do you think that would be healthy for your relationship?
And do not say you need a boyfriend, cause that will make everything all better. It won't.
When you are this upset with yourself, and life do not fall into a guy's arms thinking he'll save you, cause you will probably do stuff that you will not be happy with later on, cause you were so emotional at the time, and needed comfort, and attention.
Also another tip. Guys know when you are emotionally in need, and most guys will take advantage of that. I really don't want that to happen to you. Cause you will only be more hurt. So, please be careful.

Okay so I know that was really harsh, but I hope you can see where I'm coming from. I'm not mad with you at all. I'm just trying to tell you that you deserve so much more then just the first guy that wants to go out with you. You deserve the best, and right now I want you to say thank you to yourself to that, cause it is 100% true.


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Re: That moment when you know.. - October 18th 2012, 08:08 AM

Don't say things like that!!! Sadly in this world, there is an 'perfect' image, people should supposedly follow up too. Everyone is beutiful! Everyone is born and shaped into the perfect person for them, the whole boy thing. Of course it's anoyying but trust me you will find someone, cause you are beutiful inside out. Just find things to hold on to, like you said about Ed Sheeran, you will have a great time I went at the weekend it's amazing and everyone left feeling great and the feeling is still lasting. Just find something to hold onto and you will and the thoughts they will never disapeer. Once you feel that way it may come back but you will be strong enough to fight it


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Re: That moment when you know.. - October 19th 2012, 07:42 PM

Long pause; sorry, my laptop is having issues and I finally got the dinosaur to work for me.

I am definitely *not* saying that I need a guy. I would be the absolute last person to ever say that. But when faced with my absolutely beautiful and perfect friend coming to me with every guy chasing her, it's hard to not think "See? She has every reason to be here. Nobody gives two shakes of a lamb's tail about me. It won't be hard." I'm not like "Once I get a boyfriend, it will all be okay." That is definitely not what I am trying to sound like. A guy could never take advantage of me; I don't let them close enough. Even when I was dating my ex, he would try. Dumped his sorry butt and I refuse to talk to him now. I have no tolerance for any of that.
And my friend acknowledges the fact that nobody likes me. She. Knows.

I am 100% fully aware that all of this is mental. I know that a boy will never be able to fix the issue I am currently having. And yes, I do sound particularly negative. But ask anybody who knows me and I am one of the most positive yet realistic people out there. I'm not being negative; at least it does not seem that way to me most of the time. I am realistic about myself, my life, and the events in my life. Sure, I get negative and start beating myself up, but that's not what it is a lot of the time. It's just me knowing what I am and everything that I'm not.

I'd love to believe that "God loves me" or "he has a plan for me", but I'm an Atheist. I used to believe; grew up with Christian and Jewish ideas (most of the family is Jewish, mum and sisters are more Christian but definitely the opposite of orthodox), and I see things absolutely clear. In my opinion, there is nobody up there. We are a result of the laws of physics being carried out for millions of billions of years. I don't have a "purpose"; I am merely here because evolution says so.

Nothing really is going to fix this; I am a brilliant problem solver and I can't find a solution. Everything in my head is completely clear. I know for a fact people won't care. My best friend doesn't even act like she cares. This is the best friend who knows more about me than anybody.

And no, I don't just blow off compliments on a normal basis. Nowadays, I will admit, it is becoming more common. But it's because I know everybody is lying, and I am absolutely sick of it. I hate hearing how people think I'm brilliant or pretty or whatever. NO. You have absolutely no right to do that to me. I know it's unknowingly done, so I usually will just smile and say thank you. But no; I will never pretend to actually believe a compliment. I'll usually forget about it immediately because it does not matter. I don't harp on lies or formalities.

I'm not trying to come off mean, because I honestly love you guys so much. I just don't know how to be happy again.


   
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Re: That moment when you know.. - October 24th 2012, 09:23 PM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5B16Xq5h9i4
xx
   
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Re: That moment when you know.. - October 28th 2012, 12:44 AM

That song made me cry so stinking hard.


   
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Re: That moment when you know.. - October 28th 2012, 01:38 AM

everyone deserves a place on this earth, it doesn't matter what you look like, how smart you are, how social you are or even if you killed 7 million people like Hitler did <-- everyone is entitled to life. You're self worth doesn't change even if it feels like it has at times, EVERYONE is equal no matter who you are or what you do.
and about people thinking your weird; who cares ?? , they aren't worth your time if they are bringing you down. They best thing you can do is surround yourself with caring, loving positive people. Try expanding your friendship group , so your not just focusing on one friend and her successes, join after school clubs to get your mind off things, or set a goal and work towards that. Once you start to succeed yourself and recognize your successes in things , you'll be less likely to be put down by other people's successes.

Setting Goals -
http://au.reachout.com/How-to-set-goals

Strengths-
http://au.reachout.com/What-are-strengths

Self-Esteem-
http://kidshealth.org/teen/food_fitn...ody_image.html


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Re: That moment when you know.. - October 28th 2012, 08:10 PM

Abigail your feeling like no one cares about you is because your friend ditch you for your ex and it makes you think that she doesn't care about you and your ex had a crush on her, see how it all goes together in your head and makes you think this way?. She shouldn't of ditch you, Friends from the internet care about you and family. Don't waste your life because what's going on in your head is just thoughts that are not even true. I think your best friend really likes your ex so she ditches you but you don't need friends like that it just shows you that she is a fake ish friend. She's only a good friend to you when it suites her, friends like that who needs enemies, you deserve a better mate then that and same goes for your ex he wasn't good for you either he kept changing you and not loving you for who you are who needs a partner like that? No one. A person will love you for who you are. What you had with your ex wasn't love it was with the wrong person. You deserve better and more then better you deserve love, respect, true friends and much more. Don't waste your life over these stupid people. Can I talk about you finding that speical someone? Okay...no one knows if they have that speical someone nobody knows what's around the corner but what I do know is...that you deserve better then them two because they don't deserve you, You will find love just because your ex and your best friend are together, your best friend has people crushing on her doesn't mean you are nothing it just means that you haven't met the person who is right for you yet and people at school might have crushes on you and never acts on them you will never know what goes on in there heads. Your not worthless you are a caring person for saving people lifes. People who are posting to you in this thread are telling the truth and are saying the same thing about you so it can't just only be me there's loads of people would think the same way about you.
   
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Re: That moment when you know.. - October 28th 2012, 10:12 PM

I've talked to that friend multiple times; she says that she does not like my ex like that. And honestly, that does *not* bother me. It's the fact that when I'm with her, people want her. Not me. I'm just some sad extra, so they change me to be like her. I'm not enough just being myself. I could just not be there, and nobody would even know. My ex can like whomever he wants, I don't really care; I just want him out of my life. The fact that he tried to change me and is now chasing my best friend is what hurts.

Ha, and yeah. I always joke that the internet (and everybody in it) will always be here for me. Which I mean, of course I appreciate it! I love you guys and my other online friends, but why is it that I don't meet people in my day-to-day life that act the same way you guys do? And if they do seem to really like me for me, it definitely does not stay long. They'll get bored or tired of me, and move on.


   
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Re: That moment when you know.. - October 29th 2012, 09:57 AM

It's because we are the people from TH and we would understand better then your real life mates. Friend's who you only know from the internet always tend to understand better it's what makes them special. People on this earth and your best friend are not better then you, they are not perfect, number 1#, wanted, they are not perfect people. Just because people need your friend and not you doesn't mean she's better then you. If people say you should be more like her then don't just be who you are. Right now from what i've heard from buttercup you are a very nice girl saving people life now I bet people who you know don't know you save people lifes and help strangers out on TH. It shows you that your a kind hearted girl if people want you to still change who you are then stuff them. Your friend ditches people now so no don't be like her. Like what buttercup said we can't always be happy and we do need our down times. Your just having a down time at the moment. People on TH like who you are, Your ex boyfriend is wrong to do this to you, you had nothing to change, People want your friend because they are the people who may have a crush on her everyone has different taste, If you met someone and you get along with them they might have a secret crush on you and you will never know about it.

Last edited by Cassie999; October 29th 2012 at 10:04 AM.
   
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Re: That moment when you know.. - October 29th 2012, 11:25 PM

But if everybody needs and likes her, why am I even here? Like... Everybody skimming over me, in the big picture, just verifies that nobody really would care if I were to just disappear. That I could do it, and not hurt that many people. Hurting people is my one *huge* concern, so that's reassuring. And depressing. All at once.

I love helping people in any way I can. But seriously, I'm not sure what is so special about that. Not in that way, that sounds really bad. But I'm not the only one in this world that will go out of her way to help people. If I look around, the "positive" attributes I give myself credit for, don't make me special at all. They just let me know I'm... Not a complete failure?


   
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Re: That moment when you know.. - November 3rd 2012, 03:40 AM

You probably think im crazy but im not. I've went thru the same thing with my best friend. We hung out and she would tell me how i needed to break up with him and finally i did. I've been depressed for months because she started talking to him and wheni asked her about it... she denied it to my face. Now nothing is the same , all my friends are gone because of her. But in the end i kept my head up and acted like i didnt care.
   
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Re: That moment when you know.. - November 4th 2012, 12:13 AM

Brilliant song isn't it? Please please please dont hurt yourself..HOLD ON
   
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Re: That moment when you know.. - November 6th 2012, 10:41 PM

I want to hurt myself so badly. I cut myself a few days ago. Nothing bad or serious, nobody noticed. But I need to. I just.. No.

I'm becoming a loner in school. Pretty much by choice. I mean, I have friends, definitely. I guess I have a lot of friends. And the friend that was ditching me? She did twice today, but she also has been hanging out with me more so I guess it evens out. Honestly, I'm not upset with her. Another of my friends is ignoring me and I can't figure out what I did to deserve that. So I'm trying to spend as much time alone as possible. I'm just scared of what a horrible person I am. I'm just hurting.

I also just got cleared for winter soccer. Great news right? Nope. I mean, I'm very excited. I've basically grown up on a soccer field and I've been away for a year with a mysterious injury, but my parents don't care. My mum was supposed to just email my dad my old coach's number so we could get me on some teams I used to play for. SIMPLE. She had months to do this. Then her phone broke and died, but she assured me she sent the number to my dad. I talked to my dad today (separated parents), and he said she didn't send the number. I come home, and she kept changing her story.

I can't. I CAN'T. Like. WHAT? Everybody knows I want to be a soccer player for a career if I can. People who I didn't even KNOW but recognised me from games made me promise that! Why is it so hard to support me?! So now I have to go begging to other coaches I know to see if they could ask around for me. But like.. really?

Why can't things be easy? Why not, for ONCE in my life, things just come like they are supposed to. I'm shaking and crying and about to go get something to cut myself with, because I literally just CAN'T do this. I don't even want to write my poetry any more, because I'm just so broken up how everybody is so much better at EVERYTHING than I am. Like.. What is even the point?


   
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