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sarah2882 Offline
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Name: Sarah
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There's always that "what if?" - October 12th 2012, 06:00 PM

I hope this is the right place to write this, I was unsure as I'm new here.

Where do I start..
The depression started finding it's way into my life late last year. I had been a happy girl, living life as any young girl does, until my mum was becoming more uptight and depressed. She has Bipolar, and she was staying up very late and being grumpy in the mornings. She kept it from me, but for about 2 months she had been trying to figure out whether her Bipolar was messing with her mind, or someone was actually getting into our house. Turns out there was someone sneaking into our house while we were sleeping and while we weren't home.
All this time, with me finding out about the intruder, then trying to deal with school while worrying shitloads about my mum, there was no peace. I didn't identify that I was sinking into depression as I'd never experienced it before, so for many months I was rather confused, lost and disappointed with my life.

I am rather good at realizing peoples emotions as I am one that observes and watches others more than interacting with them, so I soon realized I was changing, and not for the good. I didn't seek or tell my mum to tell her about it, because she didn't need the added stress. Because, by now, she'd spent a few thousand dollars on security etc and we were losing money rapidly. I slowly got used to the lonely, empty, robot-like life I now lived, and for a few more months life went on, and our house life calmed down and my mother had seeked help for her slight downfall with her Bipolar. She'd always explained her Mental Illness as a cake without flour, a cake without flour will not rise.

It was a few months into the new year, and I was capable of feeling "happy" for some time. Now, I'm not the skinniest person, I realize that. I had received hateful comments because of my weight as a young child, but not for a long time before this certain day. I was at my friends house, and her parents and older brother were arguing. I didn't take much notice until I took a glance at her older brother and he muttered loudly "What are you looking at you fat fuck?"
This destroyed me. Every night I cried myself to sleep. My grades went down and my depression went to an all new low. Even my taste in music changed to something more dark and damaging. I'd considered S-H but I honestly never think I could bring myself to do that. But I felt as if- if I had the opportunity, I'd die right there right then. I took my mum for granted. I started to blame myself for my parents split up. I wondered why my own father, the one who made me, didn't want to do one simple drug test to be able to spend time with me. I turned into a cold, heartless person.

People don't realize how one word, one sentence, one rumour can kill someone- emotionally and sometimes even physically.

Things happened, my depression went up and down- I am doing much better than I was. You could say I'm hopeful. But some things still trigger my depression, and I'll cry myself to sleep again. But I feel like a stronger person for what I've been through. Though I still have thoughts like "What if?" "I wonder.." if I was prettier, skinnier, smarter.

If you've read this far, thank-you so much. It means a lot, it feels much better now that I've let that all out and in the open.
   
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bellatink Offline
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Re: There's always that "what if?" - October 12th 2012, 08:52 PM

Hiya,

Those thoughts,the what if's are , for want of a better word, normal. We all wish we were someone else at times, or different, or even not here, but it's what we do with them that matters - as long as we don't use them to hurt ourselves or others, then it's ok to think them...

I also agree, that words are powerful things; ever heard the saying 'the pen is mightier than the sword'?? It hurts when we don't feel liked or wanted or something... but You still have hope, and you say you're doing better than you were -that's got to be a good thing right!

I'm glad writing helped you, and i'm here if you want to talk
   
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