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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
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Cool It's gotten to that point (harsh language) - October 14th 2012, 03:59 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

The point where I've counted out the pills, I have 15, doesn't sound like much, right? Hah, its enough for an overdose, two is enough to overdose on these fucking useless pills. What these pills do is lowers the rate you make CSF, cerebel spinal fluid, sure if I fail it could create major problems like brain death, but 15? No, death would be inevitable. I just don't want to live anymore. There's no point to my life. No job, schooling only causes pain, my mother adds shit I don't need. Hah, the end, the sweet release of death. I've made up my mind. I'm not afraid anymore. I'll wait for mum to leave the house, so it might give me a week at the most, or I could do it now, I've been left alone in my room with twelve pills of aspirin plus 15 pills of diamox. I'm fucking ready. ready for it to end, ready to say goodbye.
I'm sorry to those ho care for me, but I have no reason to be here, nothing keeping me here anymore.
My friends, or those I call friends at school, will never know, it'll just be like I left, they'd have a better time without me, they could laugh and talk about everything they can't with me there.
My family wouldn't care, they'd be dancing around a camp fire on the night of my funeral. If only I was strong enough to call somebody and tell them that it's the end, then I could say my goodbye that way. I'd probably be laughing, near hysterical with the pills laid out in front of me. I just don't want to live anymore.
Not like this.
Not with thoughts like this.
The only way for them to be gone is to,
be gone as well.

I'll post until the day I die, I'll try and help people up until then but I doubt I'd be very good. I've never been good at helping people, I haven't helped anyone here so maybe I should just leave.

Jay.


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When you can no longer think of a reason to continue, you must think of a reason to start over.
   
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Re: It's gotten to that point (harsh language) - October 14th 2012, 11:52 AM

Hey again,

I'm sorry you're in so much pain right now. I disagree that you haven't helped anyone here. I see you helping a lot of people everyday. The fact that you posted here and haven't gone through with taking the pills yet indicates to me that you still have a little bit of hope and want someone to help. Let me be the first to tell you that I'm glad you're here and that I care.

Judging your posts on your previous thread, you have a lot that you're struggling with right now. It mustn't feel good to have broken your promise to your mom. Like Skatergirl said, your mom loves you and that's why she had you promise not to harm yourself. With that said, asking someone who self-harms to promise not to do it any more isn't necessarily helpful. It's perfectly understandable why your mom would do it; she's probably scared for you. But at the same time, recovering from self-harm is a process that doesn't happen overnight. It's not as simple as never doing it again. In fact, in the beginning, it's normal to slip up and make mistakes, and it's okay, provided you don't let it discourage you. Having someone promise to never harm themselves again is a bit counterproductive in the scheme of things because if they slip up, they're left feeling worthless and guilty for going against their word, like you're experiencing at the moment.

I want you to know that it isn't your fault that you "broke" your promise to your mom. I've been recovering from self-harm for two years now and I still slip up sometimes. I'm just bouncing back from a recent relapse, in fact. I used to try to promise myself that I'd never self-harm again, but then I realized that that's rather self-defeating. I'd rather set myself little goals that are achievable for me (like going two weeks without self-harming and then building upon that). That way, I feel good when I reach a goal and better able to keep going self-harm free.

I think it's important that someone talks to your mom about that promise because I don't think it's helpful for you in the long-run. Like I said, she's probably very scared and worried and the thought of you even slipping up may frighten her. But perhaps you could provide her with some reading material on self-harm so that she can better understand it. There is a lot of reading material written specifically for the loved ones of those who self-harm, detailing the best ways to be supportive. You could also ask a doctor (it doesn't necessarily have to be a mental health practitioner; you could even ask your GP to do it) to talk to your mom and explain a little bit about what you're going through right now.

So bottom line is: Please don't feel guilty about "breaking" your promise. Although your mom didn't mean for it to be harmful, it was an unrealistic expectation of you given where you are in recovery at the moment.

I'm also sorry about what that boy called you. Kids can be ruthless. It's awful. It's uncalled for. It's completely unacceptable. You're not any of those things -- you're beautiful, Jay. Some people are mean for the sake of being mean, and honestly? Those are the people who have the evil tendencies, whereas you're someone who spends her time reaching out and trying to help others with similar issues to you. That's not evil. In fact, it's quite the opposite. But I know that it's not as simple as forgetting about that guy and what he said to you. Words hurt and have lasting impressions on people. It's perfectly understandable why you would be upset about what he said and it's okay to let yourself feel that hurt. You don't have to pretend it didn't matter just because you think you should be "strong" enough to let it roll off your back. I used to do that, and it didn't help me one bit. The fact is, we all get hurt. Everyone. The key to building self-esteem is to realize that being confident doesn't mean that you'll never get hurt. Rather, it's how you deal with getting hurt that counts.

You mentioned that your mom has your therapist after you. I would recommend talking with both her and your therapist about that. I can see why how that would be an issue if she's treating you both. A lot of therapists won't treat patients who are related for this very reason. It can make either party feel like they can't be totally open with the therapist, and then that kind of defeats the point of therapy. I think it will be important to find your own therapist. Ask your current one if she can refer you to someone else who is on your insurance, or you could even ask your GP if he could refer you elsewhere.

I'm glad that you have your Japanese teacher to talk to. My first real source of hope was from a teacher, too. If you feel he's the only person that you'd feel comfortable approaching with this right now, I'd say go for it. It's important that you get help and he will be able to help make sure that you get the resources that you need to deal with this. You mentioned there's also your youth pastor. Remember that it will be difficult for them to help you to the extent that you need or want to be helped if they don't know exactly what's going on (your suicidal thoughts). If it's difficult for you to tell them face-to-face (and that would be perfectly understandable), perhaps you could write them a letter. Right now, it's very important that you reach out to someone and get this information out there. I'm sorry that you had that bad experience with your friend. It definitely won't be like that with everyone. I can tell you that from experience. Most people are a lot more understanding than you'd think.

I know that there's nothing scarier than the thought of possibly being sent to a psych unit. I've been there. But I've been hospitalized twice and it can actually be helpful if you're open to working the program. The staff at hospitals are caring and understanding people who won't judge or hurt you. It's important that you don't let this fear stand in the way of your getting help. Be honest with yourself about what you need right now. If you feel you need to be hospitalized right now, then maybe it's for the best. If you're still feeling suicidal, I'd encourage you to call your therapist, your local emergency number, or to go to the nearest emergency room. People care.

Hang in there.

All the best,
Kylie (yes, it's perfectly fine to call me that!)
   
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Re: It's gotten to that point (harsh language) - October 14th 2012, 12:03 PM

Hey there,
thanks for posting. It's just difficult, I know self harm takes sometimes years to overcome but it wasn't just slip up I did it so I could control my pain. My mum has been a total cow lately, snapping at me for no goddamn apparent reason and it's just too much. When I ran away I yelled at her I wanted to die, that I've wanted to do that sooo many times. She said, good, because now you know how I feel sometimes. I just stormed off, I couldn't take her bullshit. The world does NOT revolve around her. Our last therapist, a friend of hers, told her what to do in certain situations and as soon as we left we talked about it and it was as if she forgot what R had said. Mum only hears what she wants to hear and ignores the rest. It pisses me of! I mean, fucking hell, so many times I've found myself staring at her in disappointment myself because she just doesn't listen. She's an attention seeking bitch, when I ran away she texted our entire family when there was no fucking need. She didn't ring me, she texted them. She's putting unnecessary strain on me. I fucking wish I could do kill myself right now but I want to talk to Ben tomorrow (teacher). I'll talk to him and then I'll do it. I just want to be free of an overbearing, overimpulsive, overcontrolling, bitch of amother and leave behind all my pain and only the memory of the girl who couldn't fight it.

Jay.


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My blog is open to all, those whom are easily triggered avoid, it's a story about a girl and her life and how far she has come over the years. If you read it, I hope it inspires you to keep fighting and to NEVER give up!

When you can no longer think of a reason to continue, you must think of a reason to start over.
   
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Re: It's gotten to that point (harsh language) - October 14th 2012, 03:44 PM

Please be strong... Please.. I'eve been there too.. I've done everything to get rid of this pain.. But I promise you.. it only gets better.. I'm sure you're having a hard time but please don't give up..
Maybe your mother is not helping you right now.. But it would still pain her if you'd leave her alone.. Your mom loves you.. And there are a hell lot of people who do.. I'm sure your "friends" would cry for you too..
If there is something that's making you depressed then just don't back down.. Why should you be the one who has to give up.. Let them.. Show them that you can do this without their help.. Prove it to them that you're stronger than they think you are!!!
   
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Re: It's gotten to that point (harsh language) - October 14th 2012, 05:00 PM

Jay
I don't really know how to help you...
but please. Please, please, please, PLEASE don't end your life..
your so amazing, and you've helped a lot of us on TH..
please stay strong..
<3
~paula


If you're looking for a sign not to kill yourself tonight, this is it.
"May the odds be ever in your favour"
"A strong person is one who can smile this morning like they weren't crying last night."
Your never alone, I'm always here for you. Shoot me a VM or PM.
   
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Re: It's gotten to that point (harsh language) - October 14th 2012, 05:32 PM

Please keep fighting Jay, you're such a valuable person - you've helped make me feel welcome and you've helped so many others. It's hard when you feel as though you've broken promises or slipped up, but we're here for you
   
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Re: It's gotten to that point (harsh language) - October 14th 2012, 10:55 PM

My friend didn't even take me serious I tried to tell her, but not showing her the cuts. I tried and she didn't take me serious I fucking want it all to end I can't do this! I'm at school right now so I'm not in danger at this moment but I'm ending it tonight. I'm not prolonging it any longer

Jay.


Buddy since 18/11/12 LiveHelp Operator since 22/12/12 Add me on Facebook Jay Louise Shorrock!
A whisper in the dark; is better than silence in the light. -Courtesy of your's truly.
My blog is open to all, those whom are easily triggered avoid, it's a story about a girl and her life and how far she has come over the years. If you read it, I hope it inspires you to keep fighting and to NEVER give up!

When you can no longer think of a reason to continue, you must think of a reason to start over.
   
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Re: It's gotten to that point (harsh language) - October 14th 2012, 11:42 PM

I'm sorry to hear that your friend didn't take you seriously, but there are other people who you can reach out to. For instance, since you're at school (or were not too long ago), you can speak to a teacher or guidance counselor. I know that this is a scary thing to do, but these people will give you the help you deserve. You can get through this, and this is not the end of the line for you. There are so many more people than you think out there who love and care about you, and you make an impact on more people than you think. Even us here on TeenHelp care. I care. You are a valuable person and you have helped so many people. There are so many things left for you to do in life. You have a lot of people to meet, things to see, and places to go. You have so many more goals to complete. You are strong and can kick these suicidal thoughts to the curb. You can live and come out on top.

Hang in there.


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Re: It's gotten to that point (harsh language) - October 15th 2012, 12:06 AM

I'm still at school it's third period, I'm on school laptop.
But, I can't talk to anyone, people would laugh and tell me to stop being a wuss and do it. I want to go to the bathroom and cut so badly

Jay.


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A whisper in the dark; is better than silence in the light. -Courtesy of your's truly.
My blog is open to all, those whom are easily triggered avoid, it's a story about a girl and her life and how far she has come over the years. If you read it, I hope it inspires you to keep fighting and to NEVER give up!

When you can no longer think of a reason to continue, you must think of a reason to start over.
   
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Re: It's gotten to that point (harsh language) - October 15th 2012, 12:18 AM

People like guidance counselors definitely won't tell the student body. When you can you can ask to speak to either a teacher or a counselor, and if a person around you asks you can say it involves a class issue. They don't have to know the real reason.

Remember you are not a wuss. You are extremely strong for trying to fight through this.


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Re: It's gotten to that point (harsh language) - October 15th 2012, 12:34 AM

I can't get away from my friend's though...

Jay.


Buddy since 18/11/12 LiveHelp Operator since 22/12/12 Add me on Facebook Jay Louise Shorrock!
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My blog is open to all, those whom are easily triggered avoid, it's a story about a girl and her life and how far she has come over the years. If you read it, I hope it inspires you to keep fighting and to NEVER give up!

When you can no longer think of a reason to continue, you must think of a reason to start over.
   
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Re: It's gotten to that point (harsh language) - October 15th 2012, 01:01 AM

Even though you may think that you can't, sometimes you have to do what is best for you. You can say you're going to the bathroom or just want to be on your own and then really go talk to someone about this. Remember that you don't have to go through this alone, and you deserve support.


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Re: It's gotten to that point (harsh language) - October 15th 2012, 01:17 AM

Even though you think I deserve it, I can't get it it seems all the times I ask it just turns to dust and they leave me alone

Jay.


Buddy since 18/11/12 LiveHelp Operator since 22/12/12 Add me on Facebook Jay Louise Shorrock!
A whisper in the dark; is better than silence in the light. -Courtesy of your's truly.
My blog is open to all, those whom are easily triggered avoid, it's a story about a girl and her life and how far she has come over the years. If you read it, I hope it inspires you to keep fighting and to NEVER give up!

When you can no longer think of a reason to continue, you must think of a reason to start over.
   
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