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I feel like I don't fit anywhere - October 26th 2012, 06:01 AM

I don't know why, but for the past while I've been feeling a bit down.

I used to be more social at school but now I understand that the whole world is full of hypocrisy and hypocritical people. When I walk around school and I see someone I know, it's always the same encounter:
Me: Hi
Them: Hi, how are you?
Me: Good, you?
Them: Good

Them we part ways.

ARGHHHHHHH it's so FREAKING fake. I can't help doing it. I would be fine just saying "hi" and leaving it at that but when they ask me how I am, I cringe because they're only asking out because that's our society's norms of asking, and not because they're actually interested. Not that I necessarily want them to know how I actually am feeling (I don't need someone to hold my hand all the time), it's just soooo fake. It has come to the point where I take shortcuts around school where I know there will be less people. And to be honest, it would be so much better if I stopped giving a f*** (which I don't think I do that much, it's just annoying).

I feel like I mostly have shallow encounters with people, not a lot of deep-connections. Everything's so fake. I can tell when someone is not really interested in what I have to say (they usually say "Oh, that's cool!" a million times without making an effort to make the conversation a two-way street). For me, I tend to be interested in what people say, that's why I actually ask them questions to get to know them better. I HATE small talk, and that's what I have with people all the effin time.

I only have a verrry small amount of close friends at school (the ones where I feel comfortable with because I know that they will be more responsive than "oh" or "okay".)

The other ones go to other schools and it sucks because I tend to not see them very often.

I'm tired of meeting new people. I don't want to meet new people. I want to stay with the ones I feel comfortable with all the time. I don't want to see anyone else. People are so fake, I HATE it.

I have been couped in the library the past week and tonight was the first night I could've actually done something social with my friends (go out partying) but there we met up with people from our school who I usually talk to but tonight they were VERY overtly affectionate, screaming "HEYYY YOU MADE IT!!!" and giving me big hugs, which they never do.. And even people who I hardly talk to did that... It turned me off so much that I just left, and here I am at home writing this.

The people that I would feel a bit more comfortable with is of course my family but I try not to be around them a lot because they're the type of people that are easily agitated and tend to spoil moments and ruin everything... It's as if they always have to get mad about something. I don't want to become like that..

And there's another thing (concerning my family), it's my older sister. We hardly talk anymore. She's the type to just get agitated and I don't want to be around her because she ruins good things. Instead of trying to fix something, she just gets mad, leaves and doesn't talk to me for like 2 months. It depresses me.. this is my family and I don't really feel like I'm part of a family. I just want to get away but where? I don't have a lot of friends that I feel I can count on. I don't have anywhere to hide mentally.

Last edited by iamverybeautiful; October 26th 2012 at 06:10 AM.
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Re: I feel like I don't fit anywhere - October 26th 2012, 11:06 AM


It seems to be that you are a bit down at the moment and its making you look at life in a more negative way than before. When we are feeling down we tend to do this, just pick on all the bad things about people, school, everything.....

I know where you are coming from when you say people are fake, as I too believe a lot of people are but I came to realise that this is just the way life is, there will be peole who are fake in your life but there will also be amazing, trustworthy people too. These people may be few and far between, but they are worth finding so who cares if you meet a few fakers along the way?

It sounds like maybe your sister is a bit down too, if she is acting this way it sounds similar to your behaviour in that she walks aways from you when you 2 fall out, same as you walked away from the party. It could be that things get a little too much, I would talk to her and tell her how you feel, doing this could get her to open up to you and you could help each other
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