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Takoda October 30th 2012 03:06 AM

Deadly Thoughts
Okay. I need to let my thoughts flow, so sorry if this ends up being confusing/long to read.

Lately, i've been pondering, and actually considering suicide... and I really haven't done that before. I was actually going to look at all the meds in my house today, to see if we have any sleeping pills. But I was too busy to look. And last night I cut myself on my wrist, just so close to making that final slash, and cutting a vital vein. I was so close, but I couldn't do it. What's sad, is that I only stopped cutting, because I was TIRED.

I feel as if I have no reason to want to die. My life may seem average from the outside, but you just have to be in my shoes.

First of all, I lost the love of my life due to some poor decisions on my part. He's gone forever, and though we still talk, it will never be in the same way. Second, my dad calls me all sorts of names. Bitch, whore, slut, motherfucker, shit face, dick weed, jackass, son of a bitch, cock sucker, asshole, etc. He says he does it to "get a point across". But one time, while he was arguing with me, I asked him if he could stop saying those things, because I didn't appreciate being treated that way. He then asked if I would like to be slapped across the parking lot we were in (on our way home, at a Subway), and to shut the fuck up. My mom does nothing when he yells at me. In seattle, he yelled at me for saying my opinion on where my phone charger was. He came towards me, grabbed my wrist, threw me over his legs, and started to spank me. I jumped up, tried to get away, and he kept holding my arm tighter. I yelled at him not to touch me, and to let go. He just glared at me, squeezed my arm tightly one more time, then jerked his hand away. i ran from our hotel crying. My mom didnt' say anything, and said I deserved it. Another time, this past summer, we were in colorado. I made a FB before that, so i could talk to friends. Times were hard, and I needed people to talk to. So I made a fb account, so i could talk to them. well we were visiting our grandpa WHO'S DYING OF CANCER, might I add (this story has to do with that fact), and she decided to accuse me of it. I wasn't allowed to make a fb, but they moniter every breath I take, so I wanted a safe place to talk with friends with. Anyways, she yelled at me, and I panicked so badly, I passed out for a few minutes. WHen I woke up, she started yelling at me. i started crying, when she stood me up, kept jabbing my chest with her finger until she had me up against the wall, and continued to yell at me, punching my chest and shoulders repeatedly. She screamed, "WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU??" over and over as she did so. I screamed back "I DONT' KNOW WHAT THE FUCK TO DO ANYMORE! I CAN'T TAKE ALL OF THIS SHIT THAT I'M GOING THROUGH, AND I HAVE NOBODY TO TALK TO!! I THOUGHT I COULD TELL MY FAMILY, BUT YOU ALL LAUGH IN MY FACE, AND TELL ME TO GET OVER IT! I HAVE NOBODY!" and she mimicked me. That was the one time I was truly honest, and let everything out. That was my last cry for help before I feel into submission. She mimicked me, using a tone of voice that was sarcastic, and she continued to yell. She pulled my hair, kicked me, and spit on me. My aunt, who was there, had to tell her to stop yelling, or her neighbors (in an apartment) would call the cops. She yelled at me all day. Literally. From the morning, all the way until we had dinner. I would prove that point to you, but I can't. you have to take my word for it. But she yelled about that when our grandpa, dying of cancer, was there. That could have been the last time we could have ever seen him again, and she ruined it, all by abusing me while visiting him. Another thing, is that today, my brother kept making homophobic comments towards me, since i'm bisexual. I told my dad what he was saying, and my brother kept denying everything. Dad said "it's alright. She's not serious anyways." I asked him what he meant by that. (keep in mind, i came out a year ago). He said that it was a phase, and that he's never seen me date a girl before. I told him that he won't let me date anyways, but he said he wanted to see it to believe it. My brother later today, told me that everyone in my family who I came out to thought it was a phase. As well as my cutting. They think these are just games that my friends and I are playing, and that it's not serious. The first time they found out I cut, they yelled at me. Yeah. They told me i should be ashamed, because now the CPS might have come over again to inspect our family. They said that my bio-mom, who wants custody, might be able to win, because of my 'selfish' decisions. That they may be forced to take me to therapy, and get help that's "too expensive". So my dad bought 2 new cars, a house, a camper, and other useless crap. Yet my well-being isn't more important than those things? I feel really hurt... and to top all of this off, I have severe self-esteem issues. i am fat, i get acne really badly, no matter how often and well i wash my face, my skin's always dry, and my hair is always frizzy. I feel like I have to suck in my stomach no matter where I go, because otherwise you can see all my fat just hanging out there. Yet my parents and family still point it out to me, as if I didn't already know. I'm also failing a class, because I didn't understand the materials, because my mom decided to schedule a dentist appointment the same time that class started, and my german exchange student was here as well, so I had no time to study... and my parents yelled at me for that too. Do you know that I haven't had a real conversation with my parents since last school year? And it was fake. It was around friends. They dont' know that I want to kill myself, that i'm cutting again, etc. They threatened to send me away to boystown if i cut again. So they want to get rid of me, just because they don't want to take the time themselves to figure out what's wrong? I don't understand...

These may or may not seem like good reasons for me to kill myself, but they are certainly tempting. I can't think straight anymore, because of all this stress i'm under. I'm trying to be perfect, trying to be 'beautiful', trying to be happy, trying to be a good role-model, trying to show people i'm not going through phases, and that i'm telling the truth... all of this keeps adding up,and i'm not sure how much longer I can take it...

Nobody will listen to me, and so this is a way I can get my issues out to someone out there, who may feel/may have felt the same way...

I don't know what to do... last time I talked to my counselors, they called my parents, and told them about what we talked about. This was while we were driving home, because my dad's car has bluetooth. So the call was through the speakers, so my brother, dad, and I heard what the counselor said. I don't want dad to know, and I don't want the counselors to tell him to take me to therapy. Not sure if I even need it.

I just need... help. Not sure what type, but I need help.

There's my rant. Me letting everything out. Please, give suggestions...?

Thank you...


escape_thereal_world November 1st 2012 09:01 PM

Re: Deadly Thoughts
Hi, Kristin.

I just wanted to put my own experience out there to hopefully help you understand why they want to 'send you away'. When my first counselor found out I was cutting, she told my mom. And she proceeded to tell my mom they needed to (this is word-for-word) "Get her strapped down as soon as possible in a mental institute".

Surprisingly, my mom agreed! When my mom told me this, I broke down sobbing and begging her not to send me away. I wasn't crazy. I just didn't know what else to do and I only wanted HER help. I didn't want to be 'strapped down'.

My mom was sobbing by now and explained she had no idea what to do. She was only wanting to help me and make sure I would be okay. And since the counselor recommended this, she thought it would be best. Unfortunately, I made her a deal that I wouldn't cut again (unfortunately because she didn't understand how wrong of an action that would be to someone who needs HELP and not a permanent place to be).

Well, I ended up getting a new counselor after I begged my mom for a new one. I never felt comfortable with her. So I got one through the school, who actually kept everything from my mom. She understood sometimes cutting wasn't to kill myself, but a release. So she would only tell my mom if I had a plan. I was able to open up to this woman, and she also told me and my mother both that sending me a way was NOT the right course. Not like that.

Eventually I did come up with a plan, so I told my counselor who gave me 5 options for hospitals which she had sent other patients who had said they were good. I chose one, and she helped me tell my mother. The hospital I went to was wonderful. We had a group support, which I loved. The staff were amazing. And I wasn't 'strapped down'. I was free to roam the halls or watch tv (limited) or play board or puzzle games. I actually met some cool people in there who were there for similar reasons and/or rehab.

And honestly, after that experience, I turned myself around. I do still struggle with self-harm 4 years later. However, it is 90% better and I have some much better outlooks on life.

So basically, try to speak with your parents. Explain to them you don't want to be sent away. Explain that there are other options such as "Intensive outpatient therapy" where you go every day or every other day for several weeks. It's cheaper than being 'inpatient' and you still get to have your freedom of being at home at nights.

There are so many options for you to receive help. Therapy is a good thing to do, even if you don't think it will help. I never thought it would help. I thought I was fine. But when I met that good counselor, I ended up telling her things I had no idea were bothering me! I told her secrets that nobody knew. And she kept them. She only ever told my mom things when I had a plan for suicide, or if it was something about my home-life, she would let me know she would tell my mom and give me a chance to talk to my mom first.

It really helped. I actually have a new counselor because I moved, but I've had him for over a year and he is the same. Granted, I am an adult now so he doesn't have to tell my mom. But he also only believes in 'inpatient' if you have a plan.

If you need some ideas or reasons to keep going, some coping ideas, or a coping plan, etc, please send me a message.


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