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BlackswordSteve Offline
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Name: Steven
Age: 26
Gender: Male
Location: Ohio

Posts: 20
Join Date: June 1st 2011

Don't know what to do anymore - November 9th 2012, 01:22 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I've posted on and off on here for the past two years or so. I've grown up a little, but am still dealing with a lot of the same crap that was dragging me down back then. Today was the first day in a long time I've had more than a passing thought about suicide. I'll describe what happened, and mention some of the other things that are contributing to this. I just need to talk right now I think.

Alright, so anyway, its taken me a little over a year to be able to find a job (I've been living with relatives with little to no expenses for the past year). I could've found one sooner, but I felt so apathetic about life, and plus I have social anxiety so that didn't help either. My boyfriend eventually forced me to start looking, threatening to leave me if I didn't get my act together. Knowing that if he left me, I'd truly be alone and then all my suicidal thoughts would suddenly get very real, I recovered and managed to get somewhat stable again. I was able to get a job about three months ago, the same one my boyfriend works at, and its been going okay since then, until now.

I thought that getting a job I would be happy, and I was for awhile, but the more I worked the more it felt like I never did anything other than a mediocre job. I was really clumsy at certain things, and even after three months of working there, I still don't feel confident about my work. I feel weak. I try to call in sick way too often (was the same way in school), and I had another breakdown today and caved in. I ended up feeling sick this morning again, and I panicked and called my boyfriend to see if he could fill in for me. He works the evening shift, so this means because of me panicking again, he'll have to work all day.

My job (dishwashing at a restaurant) is really easy, and I only work 2 1/2 days out of the week. The rest of my days are free time. In the future, I know I'll have to work a lot more if I expect to support myself and my boyfriend if we live together. As of right now, I don't know what to do. If I call in sick and feel overwhelmed by two freaking days, how can I handle more work, with more responsibility on the line?

I'm tired of asking these questions. I'm tired of causing stress for people around me. I'm tired of living an empty life.
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Reign. Offline
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Re: Don't know what to do anymore - November 9th 2012, 04:31 PM

Honey, let me tell you something. You are not living an 'empty' life. The future or present is only as grim as we perceive it to be. I'm sorry you're having a hard time honey.

but Steven, it will get better. Just have to try to be positive about things and don't beat yourself up. At least you do have a job in this economy.
I hope everything works out for you and I wish you the best. If you need to talk, PM me anytime and I'll do my best to help.


So dance if it moves you,
and jump in the fire, if it burns you.
I'll throw my arms around you darlin',
and we'll turn to ashes.

Kinda like the way you tell me,
"Baby, please come home. I need you here right now.
I'm crying underwater so you don't hear the sound."

What if I can't forget you?
I'll burn your name into my throat.
I'll be the fire that'll catch you.
What's so good about picking up the pieces?
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