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into creation x Offline
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Age: 27
Gender: Female

Posts: 82
Blog Entries: 25
Join Date: April 20th 2009

Going backwards?! - November 12th 2012, 11:46 AM

I was getting better for a few months, but the last week has been shit again. I've got some part time work now but I stopped taking the antidepressants last week because they make me tired if I take them in the morning, and then I can't sleep well if I take them before bed... I suppose I should just deal with the tiredness during the day as that's better than feeling like this again. I haven't even bothering going to work.

I can't believe not taking them for a week has really caused this, surely it would take longer? Although couldn't sleep one night last week and felt ill for a few days now. Maybe it's the fact today is the day I can drive again, yet I feel nothing about that. And I just haven't bothered, been in bed all day when I should be working.

And today is the day I can apply for the RAF, I feel no enthusiasm for that either.

13 months ago I'd just lost my freedom, now I feel strange about having it back, it doesn't even seem real because I haven't even gotten in my car yet. What the fuck is wrong with me!?!?!?! I know it doesn't make sense that it's cheaper now for my insurance so it wasn't really much of a punishment at all. It's kind of like a privilege I don't even deserve back?

I know I'm 'lonely'. There literally is no one who I can talk to about everything which is on my mind and there won't be some kinda of regret after telling them. Apart from maybe Jon... but since seeing him and talking to him about this sort of stuff last week, I've just felt so down myself. I know I can't blame him for that. This doesn't even make sense and my head fucking hurts.

I will never understand why my dad won't even try to understand mental illnesses. Why even bother trying to understand him when I have a hard enough time trying to maintain my own fucking happiness.

I don't know what to do. Again. It's such an annoyingly familiar feeling. I can't even be bothered to eat. I want to cry but can't. Felt like that for days. I feel like I'm doing everything to keep others happy again and like I don't matter. What even is with those hot flush things and stomach pains lately? It's like my body is telling me to look after myself but my head is telling me to keep everyone else happy. I'm so fucking scared of falling out with my dad again. I keep thinking about how I can act on impulse occasionally, and it's more often when tiny little things annoy me, like recently. It's got to be something to do with the fact I haven't been taking meds yet I've been knackered. Love the logic there. I've thought about getting annoyed at something then jumping in my car because I now can and just driving erratically and smashing it up/killing myself. How easy would that be haha, quick and simple! I know that's ridiculous and I wouldn't do it. I need a plan to make things better again. And unfortunately it seems like I have to do it alone. What a fucking surprise.

Jon is so lovely. I wish he was happier. His eyes are beautiful and his eyelashes. He's so kind and whenever I think about being with him it brings an instant smile to my face Never in my life have I felt able to be so open about everything with someone. Maybe that's where good foundations come from. I really wanna say 'fuck today' and drive to his and cuddle him But my dad would be so fucking angry and he will lose brownie points. Can't explain the logic with that one either.

I feel like I'm being a twat now, I should have just gone to work. I think that's partly why I feel ill with stomach pains and a fuzzy head. I know it's only 2 days a week and the pay is good but I can't just sit there all fucking day. I feel strange. Of course I can, that's what most jobs I'm looking into involve I guess I'm scared to have another hot flush sort of thing there again and now I may not be at the side of the room by a window, you know, like with air and out of the way of most people :S What if they really are those stupid panic attacks? I thought I was over them. I see why I turned to drink when that was happening.

What do I do now? I suppose I feel slightly better for writing this as I hoped. I just need an excuse to my parents, or at least my dad, and my mum can know the truth, just wish my dad wasn't so stuck in his not trying to understand ways. I guess I can say they called me just before I left saying they haven't got all the computers and programmes sorted out so I wouldn't have much to do and to just come in on Wednesday, plus another day or 2. This way I can go out and drive by myself, maybe see Jon?

I feel fine about this plan, but then what about when tomorrow comes and I have that interview, and Wednesday comes and I have work??? And the rest of the week, and the RAF, what if they ask over the phone why am I applying?!?!?!?! I suppose I could just say to my parent I even did go in, but that my computer wasn't playing like last week and the programme was having none of it? Fuck it.

I don't know. I never know. This is probably all wrong. Maybe I should actually make a doctors appointment. Or maybe I should just get laid?!

Really don't know...
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