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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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LucyLamplight Offline
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Name: Rose
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Thumbs down Slowly Drowning - November 13th 2012, 08:35 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Hi Guys,

Well this actually my first time ever posting in a "help" forum and any forum in general! I'm actually finding this really hard, to just come out and ask for help, or admitting to random strangers that I need help. I don't usually let people inside of my head, my deepest thoughts and emotions tend to stay hidden. I only people who i trust, but even then its not the full story. Now the way I explained how I am, makes me sound like an introvert, but I am anything but that! I absolutely adore being around a lot of people, and I don't like being by myself! I draw energy from people, so it drains me to be away from people
Anyways I am not here to try and explain how I am personality wise! I am beyond worried and stressed currently I feel as if I am stupid and cannot do any schoolwork! I am struggling to concentrate on school, I just don't have the will or urge to do it. I am usually so diligent when it comes to school, I have never enjoyed it but I knew I had to get it done. I think what makes it extra hard, is the fact that I do online school. I have been doing it for almost 3 years and I absolutely hate it! Hence the fact that I don't like being alone, I think doing online school was one of the main triggers for my depression. I remember in 2010 ( the year I started online school), I started to feel a lot more sad , angry and alone. I would lie at night under the stars and cry for no reason! A lot happened in 2010 and I never fully went through the emotions, I cut for the first time Aug 2010. It was really small and insignificant compared to how it got later on. I had a 3 month period of depression, no one really knew. I got better, so I forgot about the depression. Then about March 2011 the depression came back, i kept pushing it to the side.

My whole life I had been terribly insecure about how I looked, when I was small people called me fat, piggy and ugly. It stuck and for the rest of my life, certain people pointed out my struggle with my weight ( I was average). i then picked up a lot of weight 2009 - 2010.... i started Dieting and exercising nearly everyday end of 2010. Mid 2011 I got my first "boyfriend", so i felt a bit happier! I then wanted to lose more weight, i wasn't happy. I started cutting, it got really bad, I chased after anamia and my depression hit an all time low. Life became so, so dark. Suicide seemed beautiful, its a miracle I didn't kill myself last year Dec or this year Jan. I remember wishing I could die on Christmas and on my birthday. The two days your meant to be happy? (SORRY THIS MIGHT BE A LONG POST)

I started to recover from depression and cutting March 2012, and started to recover from AnaMia in April 2012. Life seemed to be getting better! I met another guy, we sort of dated for 3 months. I broke up with him, my depression had come back the last month and AnaMia started to slowly creep back. My best friend, dated my ex, I broke! I still had feelings for him, i broke up with him though because he gave off warning signs that I had to run away from! Sep 10, left my parents and family behind in South Africa to come and finish my grade 12 in Canada. Staying with my grandparents, and its so hard! They have opinions that make me cringe, they try to conform me to their standards! They talk about people who think about suicide, or starve themselves as if they were aliens. I sit their thinking, if you knew I struggle with all of the things you frown upon, would you disown me?

I can make friends so easily back home, but here its like no one wants to talk to me. I try and make conversation and they act all fake. Its so annoying! I have no one to talk to, my so called "best friend" is no longer even a friend really, the conversation is just so awkward. My best guy friend, lost his younger brother so I can't blow all my problems off on him, and the rest of my friends I can't get to personal with because I don't like burdening people. I miss my family, I cannot do my freaking schoolwork! This depression is back, I cut 2 weeks ago and AnaMia also back. Like I just don't have the strength!

Trust me, I don't want to die, I just want to finish school, get away from this place and start studying what I really want to study! I want new friends, i want to be skinny and beautiful! I want life to work out for me for once. I look at my younger cousins who are 10 and 12, they both have everything they could ever want and they are so happy. My cousins comment the other day "I love my life!". I cannot think of one time in my life where I was able to say that? That's a sad thought, I'm constantly fighting to get to the top. Constantly fighting, why can't I cruise for a bit?

To top it all off... I just really want a great hug I haven't had a hug in about 2 months, Its so bad! I'm not talking about a fake hello hug, I want a proper "I care about you" type of hug!
   
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Honey Muffin Offline
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Name: Kamrin
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Re: Slowly Drowning - November 15th 2012, 01:22 AM

Hi Rose♥ I hope posting in the forum made you feel a little better. I have no one to talk to myself & I feel like it helps to get things out you've been holding in for so long. I understand how you lost motivation from schoolwork, especially if you like being around people. I feel social interaction is a big help for depression. I found that being alone is the times where I think too much, I feel alone & sad, etc..Did someone make you do home schooling? I know what you mean about online homework. I didn't last long when I took online classes for college. Bad idea on my part. it's just too boring! Is online school your only option? If not, I'd say try looking into a school where you can meet new people & make friends

I'm so sorry you struggle with insecurities like that. I know exactly where you're coming from. I got made fun of growing up & even though those people probably forget what they said, their words stick with you forever. I still look at myself & no matter how much people tell me I'm beautiful, I have to think it for myself. That's what you have to do. Look at yourself & instead of looking at the things you think are flaws, look at your beautiful qualities & even though I don't know what you look like, it doesn't matter! You are beautiful. You are. You just have to believe it♥

If your best friend did that to you she's not a true friend. It's sad, but there's few people you can count on these days. It almost seems like you have to have a guard up for everyone because it's hard to trust anyone. I'm sure you felt betrayed & hurt. My best friend of 5 years started dating my brother & now they're getting married. It hurts, I know. I'm here if you need someone to talk to about these things. It's weird, but I feel like we've been in similar situations & I'd love to talk to you if you need someone. I mean that.

You said you don't have the strength, but you DO. You said yourself, you don't want to die. There you go! You are strong because you're still here.
You can do it, beautiful.♥ I'm just a message away. Also, I may not be able to hug you in real life, but heres another virtual hug I care about you because I know where you're coming from. I'm here for you<33





When life gives you a hundred reasons to cry, show life that you have a thousand reasons to smile.

   
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