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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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entangledmind Offline
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Name: Sarah
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I'm at a breaking point - November 15th 2012, 07:17 AM

So today I had a counseling session with my parents and the pastor. Basically it ended with me lying the whole time. I was reassuring them all I was doing much better and I hadn't thought of suicide at all, and I was okay with how things were going with my boyfriend concerning how my parents are controlling the relationship...
I feel terrible. Not for lying, I personally don't care I lied to them... I don't feel comfortable sharing and I don't see why I should force myself to open up to them. I feel terrible because I know by lying to them I've only dug myself deeper in my problems, and since they think I'm fine they'll be confused and most likely angry at me for not having shared. It's all happened before, I claim I'm fine then a couple of weeks to months later I have a break down and my parents get angry at me for not having shared in the first place.
They get angry at me because I don't like being transparent with them (transparent was their exact words) They practically demand me to be entirely open to them and follow their exact rules.
GOD I'm so angry! I'm not a fucking puppet...
Honestly, I just wish I had a bottle of sleeping pills. There is right now nothing from stopping me of killing myself. I love my boyfriend, but it hurts so much... As the saying close, "So close, yet so far..." That is exactly how I feel with him. And the pain of being like that is almost becoming unbearable. God I must sound so selfish and like such an idiot but I don't know... I'm so close to breaking.
People on here say how it's not worth killing myself, that they care, and life will get better but for some reason those really aren't things I can hold on to. Thank you... But I'm just falling apart one step at a time.
I'm not trying to give empty threats that I'm suicidal right now... it's not necessarily that, but I'm just saying everyday I think about it and everyday it becomes more of a reality and above are some of the reasons why.
I'm sorry if I've rambled and wasted your time.
This wasn't a very particular post but I just had to share this with someone... Sorry


I tell people i'm
tired. But in reality

i'm just sad.

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Never regret anything, because at one time it was exactly what you wanted


   
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Palmolive Offline
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Re: I'm at a breaking point - November 15th 2012, 10:13 AM

How about instead of looking and focusing on reasons to die and kill yourself, you look and focus on reasons to live and to stay alive. Sure, it might be hard and I don't expect you to sit down right now and complete a hole list, it could take a few days or ever weeks but there are reasons to live if you make them. And if you're capable of making reasons to die, you can make reasons to live. Think about what you really want out of life and strive towards those goals because you are more than capable of achieving them if you set your mind too it and work hard to get through this.

But you have to choose recovery. You have to choose happiness and you have to want it. You have to take that step and say this is enough, suicidal should not be an option, I deserve life and I want to live, I am going to get through this. And until you choose recovery, getting through this is going to be hard because you are focusing your mind on depression and suicide and only you can start to change that. You can talk to everyone in the world and they can support and advise you but until you take in what they are saying and until you chance your actions, you're not going to get anywhere.

I think you're parents want you to be honest so you can get the help. But again, you are the one in control. If you want help and want to get better, you have to ask for help and be honest. You have to take that control and aim for the best. Not telling the truth isn't going to get you any where and from what you have said in your thread, you're fully aware of that but only you can change it.

There are so many reasons to keep living. You can do so much with your life if you decide too. You can do this. Don't be alone.


"Only in the dark, can you see the stars..."
Josie 12/3/2014, always in my heart. Sue 19/2/2016; Peter, Ellie, Hannah, Andy, Kirtsie RIP.

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