its all pointless.

[noonewantstoknow]

I don't know. Everything is getting worse. I thought today for an instant that something good happened. The girl that I am completely in love with is going to the same college as me. AND that seemed like a reason to live. So, that I could go to the same college, and church as her.

BUT then I got thinking. I am never going to get over her. and I am never going to be with her. I don't understand why this causes me soo much pain. but its like....... I remember freshman year. I hated everything, and I spotted her one day after I started attending church, and its like everything got lighter. and after that, I started working to be a better person. because I felt like I was such a bad person. I saw what a wonderful person she was, and I just....... it was like.... I need to be better, because it will make her life better. AND...... I thought I was becoming a better person. but I wasn't. I was still told by my mom that I was a bitch, and a screwup and that I did nothing right. and I live with my aunt, and she just gets so frustrated with me, because I have so many problems. I just............... I CAN'T explain it.

I just, everything I was working towards, won't happen. I am such a bad person. I just screw up. I will never have this girl......... and that makes me future so not bright. the only reason that gave me some happiness was that she was going to the same college. but guess what.... I WILL CONTINUE TO BURDEN HER. she will be better off without me. she'd have a better life, and she'd have more fun. I AM NOT A FUN FRIEND. I AM NOT A GOOD FRIEND. and its like.... I try to be. but when I get upset, I call her. and the problem is.. I get upset a lot.

and right after class, the thing that send me downward again. was my friend is upset at me. because, I have been trying to talk to her instead of the girl I like. and she just has had enough. everyone is giving up on me. EVERYONE IS.

and my other friend, who I consider my closest friend, well, she can't handle me either. and she means sooo much to me. she's my best friend. and I am soo scared of losing her. she kind of jumps around with people. one day one person is her best friend, and the next day someone else is. I was her bestfriend at one time. and just idk..

I just feel like anyone I had I am losing. and I don't feel like I had them in the first place. AND I FEEL like I am losing the girl that I love also. I am not that close with her, and yet I talk to her when upset.

I am so mad at myself. I shouldn't even be FUCKING COMPLAINING. I just want to make everyone else happy. and I CANNOT do that.

I cannot live anymore. its too much. idk. I don't care anymore.

[Palmolive]

Hey there, (:
It sounds like your feeling pretty low at the momemt. Im sorry to hear this. Your only 18 and you've got your full life ahead of you. We all like someone at some point and feelings are strong and will not simply go away. Have you tried telling them how you feel? Maybe she would understand. Im sure your not losing everyone of your friends although this is what you think. Life is a great thing, and we're here for a reason. I know you can do this. I know you strong enough. At the end of it, you will have gained skills and how to cope with things, this is going to make you a stronger person. You've gotten so far in your life, why give up now? Your mum shouldnt be saying these things to you. Maybe talk to her and tell her how its making you feel? It worries me to hear you say you cannot live anymore. You can live, and you will live. You can do this, your not alone, trust me.
Ever need a chat, come and find me. Im always here

[SimplyComplex]

Hey Brittany,

I'm so sorry to read all this. It's an awful lot for one person to carry on their shoulders. In fact, I bet it gets pretty heavy sometimes-like now. I wan't to let you know first that we're all here for you at this time-and every time. You don't have to do any of this alone. Things can change and hope always remains.

Life is often a roller coaster ride for many people. Unfortunately, we have to fall is we ever expect to be lifted back up again. It isn't easy but it's apart of life. The bad is never permanent and we need to remember the good when the bad is overwhelming. I think positive thinking is a big help to get positive results. It is a good thing that you're going to the same college as the girl you like. Don't take that away from yourself. I think you're very hard and negative towards yourself. You're worth much more than you give yourself credit for. Realize that you are special and you do have something to bring into a relationship that no one else has. Be confident in what you do have. What you don't have doesn't matter. Don't deny yourself the chance to go after something or someone you want. If you want to get anywhere in life, sometimes you need to step outside your comfort zone. You miss every shot you don't take. But at least you have a chance when you take a shot. In fact, approaching this girl might help you get over her or lead you to something more. It is true, everyone can improve on something. I am glad you can realize that and improve yourself. That is hard to realize and do on your own. Obviously you've succeeded. Though, don't change too much. We need faults to accentuate our good. Believe me, you do have good in you. Don't over look what you don't have. We need to accept ourselves before we can ever be happy. From reading your post, you seem to have a lot of passion. That is a great thing to have. It shows that you can give everything to try and achieve something if you want it.

Sometimes, you can't listen to other people. You can't let them take you down. They aren't you and can't always understand how you feel. I know it's hard to hear comments like that from your own mom, but she is human too. We all make mistakes and we all hurt others too. However, you don't deserve to be treated like that. You're 18, maybe sticking up for yourself could become an option? I'm not suggesting fist fights or yelling, but confronting your mom about her harsh comments. Either way, her opinion doesn't matter. What mattes is what you think about yourself. If you're ok, then your mom shouldn't matter.

Unfortunately, sometimes people just can't help with certain problems. That doesn't mean they don't care, it just means they don't know. Not everyone can give advice for everything. Just because you have problems, doesn't mean you're the problem or burden. Sometimes you can't control how you feel or what problems come. That's life. Be grateful you have people to run to ok? Even if they don't know what to say, they're there. It takes a lot to be loyal and stay with friends. You have a lot of people here and right beside you supporting you. It's understandable that strong feelings can make it hard to see, but no one has left.

I know things are overwhelming but you're allowed to vent and scream about it. You're allowed to show that things aren't going the best. If you need anyone to talk to, I'm here. Don't be shy to PM me.

~Stay strong and have faith.

[noonewantstoknow]

I just feel week. I feel tired. I feel unloved. I only feel pain. I want that pain to stop.