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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Palmolive Offline
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Jeez, get a life!
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Little lost in the big world. - November 30th 2012, 05:01 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Posting in a forum that I mod is a hard thing for me to do and I'm pretty sure some other staffies have this worry, so bare with me.

Ok. I overdosed badly on Sunday, ending up in A&E and ended being admitted onto a ward for treatment etc. I think, it wasn't that I wanted to overdose which is stupid because I planned it. It wasn't easy. It was forcing the pills down but, I just, I had to do it. It was like, that was it. No over way out. Death is the only way out. And I didn't care about anything else. Everything I've always held on to just wasn't, isn't a reason to live. Nothing. My mum and my sister, they are the most two beautiful people in my world and I couldn't love them more than that I do and they've always been a reason and as selfish as this is, I couldn't do it for them any more. I can't do it for them any more. I've just gotten to a point where nothing matters and death feels like the only option that means getting rid of these feelings and thoughts and everything that is making me so low.

And I'm being admitted into a Crisis House in Monday. The max stay is a week and I mean, I've agreed to it and my nurse is planning on taking me and I'm trying hard to take responsibility for myself. The crisis team are seeing my daily and they've offered to see more more and they have arranged this for for me. The woman I normally see from there spends sometimes up to nearly 2/3 hours just sat talking to me and I just, I know I need to help myself.

But I feel so desperate to get out. I can't find a reason, that is worth living for any more because, I just, I don't think I have ever felt this low before. The self harm, the thoughts, the voices, the behaviours I'm engaging with, while they are helping me emotionally, they are killing my phsyically. I hate myself for my arms and legs and it really upsets me that I've been told the scars and cuts are too severe to fade so they're unnoticeable. And although, you know, doctors have spoken to me about skin grafts and what not, I don't want it. I don't want to have my arms this way in the first place. But, I can't find it in myself to stop what I'm doing any more.

I just feel so lost in it all that I don't know how to get out of this any more. And I have just gotten to the point where I want to stop trying because if death means this can be over by tomorrow, then that's what I want.

And I keep wishing my overdose killed me. I can't stop thinking about doing it again. Or trying to hang myself again. And I just don't feel like I can keep myself alive any more.

I really, it just hurts so bad. I just, I feel so lost and suicidal.

"Only in the dark, can you see the stars..."
Josie 12/3/2014, always in my heart. Sue 19/2/2016; Peter, Ellie, Hannah, Andy, Kirtsie RIP.

Helplink Mentor l Article writer l Forum mod l Community Mod

Last edited by Palmolive; November 30th 2012 at 05:21 PM.
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
Jess~ Offline
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Re: Little lost in the big world. - November 30th 2012, 05:21 PM

Wow. I am so sorry that you have to go through this. I know it must be hard.
Honestly, I really don't know what to say about this, as I've never self-harmed, had any suicidal thoughts, or known anyone who has. So bear with me, as my advice may not be of the most helpful.
I just want to remind you that...if you weren't supposed to still be here, if you didn't have a reason to keep living, if you weren't going to do something big in the future, then you would already be dead. And if you weren't supposed to be the person that you are today, you wouldn't be this way.
I know I can't help much, but I beg you to just try thinking more positively. I promise you, there is an end to this. You just need to have the faith that things will get better.

I'll keep you my thoughts and prayers.

i don't know what i'm supposed to do
haunted by the ghost of you
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
Reign. Offline
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Re: Little lost in the big world. - November 30th 2012, 05:34 PM

Hey Jessie, I'm so sorry to hear this and it really breaks my heart.

And the Crisis house? I hope that you'll find some peace there.
I know that the stresses of life (especially with depression) Can be beyond overwhelming.

I commend you for saying that you need to get rid of those feelings of 'death is the only way' and that you're wanting to get better.

And to be honest, not doing it for your Mom and sister is better.
Doing it for yourself is the only true way to recover.
I know that from personal experience and believe me, it's so different than doing something because you would feel guilty and low if you didn't.

Believe me honey, once you start taking care of yourself and really starting to recover, you won't feel so low and you'll realize how strong and wonderful and amazing you truly are and that you don't need cutting or anything else that could harm you.

One thing I've always vowed to myself is that I will never try to get rid of my old scars. Why? Because for me, they're a symbol of 'I was in a horrible place, and I was weak. But now I am stronger and wiser and healthy.'

I carry them as my battle wounds.
And I'm proud of who I am today, beating the urges, but always looking at my scars and remembering why I don't need to hurt myself and why I have gotten this far.

I took that negative and turned it into a positive. And you could too.

And honey, Suicide is NEVER the answer. No matter how hard it is, you belong here.
You're beautiful and strong and you can fight that!
We all know that you can and I really hope that if you think about doing it again, think about everyone who loves you and needs you and wants you around for the rest of your God given life.

I really hope that you find some peace within yourself and learn to love your body and let it be as it was meant to be. Girls aren't supposed to be covered in scars, Jessie.
And you should remember that you are beautiful, inside and out, no matter what anything or anyone else says.

Feel free to PM/VM me anytime, honey.


So dance if it moves you,
and jump in the fire, if it burns you.
I'll throw my arms around you darlin',
and we'll turn to ashes.

Kinda like the way you tell me,
"Baby, please come home. I need you here right now.
I'm crying underwater so you don't hear the sound."

What if I can't forget you?
I'll burn your name into my throat.
I'll be the fire that'll catch you.
What's so good about picking up the pieces?
  (#4 (permalink)) Old
jstone Offline
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Re: Little lost in the big world. - November 30th 2012, 10:52 PM

I am so sorry you are going through this right now jessie.
But you have to stay strong, Im never really good on spitting words out onto a screen or paper and giving advice but please bear with me
I have seen where you have posted on so many threads in the short time ive been on the site helping people and telling them they are beautiful and deserve life
that goes for you too
youve even posted on a few of my threads and you always help.
You are always there with kind words and an open heart, and that means mnore than you can ever know when you do this, for complete strangers no less.
Keep fighting for yourself, you have to
You can always pm/vm me if you need as well.
Even mods for the site need a little help sometimes.
We are all human, we make mistakes.
But we fall, so that we learn to pick ourselves back up

Here's to you, fill the glass. Cuz the last few nights have kicked my ass.
  (#5 (permalink)) Old
i_like_black Offline
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Re: Little lost in the big world. - December 4th 2012, 05:34 AM

Sorry about the delayed reply.

Having recently been in almost exactly the same situation, I might have something useful to say. Probably not, but maybe.

Crisis house sounds sort of like what respite is here. Use it. Relax, let yourself be taken care of. After a serious suicide attempt you don't come right straight away, your mind still has to come to terms with the fact that you lived, and that you're probably still depressed. Likely still very depressed.

Talk to people. About light stuff, about heavy stuff, about in-between stuff. Tell them how you feel, even if how you feel hurts to talk about. You'll feel better afterwards. Not less depressed, as such, but simply better for having someone know.

Others are right, you can't do this for other people. The only way to move forwards is to do it for yourself. You have to want things for you. And you know what? Sometimes you have to be selfish. Sometimes you have to give yourself a break from things. It doesn't make you a failure. It means you recognise that you need time to be you, and time to heal. Because emotions need healing time too. You won't just wake up one day feeling better, but if you give yourself some time-out, over time you will start to feel a little better. Maybe not much that you could notice, but little bits.

It takes literally weeks to get used to being alive, and to stop constantly obsessing over why you didn't die. It took me nearly a month, and only in the last week or so have I started being able to plan for things in the future. An overdose like yours, it takes time to come to terms with.

But you have to be honest. With yourself, and with those that work with you. If you're still having strong suicidal urges - you need to tell people. Nobody wants you to die. People want success for you, and want to help you. You just have to learn to accept the help, and accept that people want to help you.

So you have scars that won't fade. Big freaking whoop, seriously. So do I, so do many people. They are a part of who you are. They show you have struggled - and you have won. Simply that they are scars, and not open wounds, is a HUGE achievement Jessie. And the people who love you will understand that.

Be proud of who you are. People on the street stare? Let them. You are strong, and you are beautiful, and just the fact that you are where you are, but want to change how you think, is a massive thing.

And one last thing - this is the hardest. Act opposite to how you feel. How we act influences our minds, if we are doing positive things, like going for walks, or helping prepare food (not necessarily eating it), or creating art, or music, then our brains feed off that, and start to feel a bit better.

Keep breathing. Second by second, because it's the only way forwards, and forwards is the only way left to go.

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