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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
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Question What do I do now ? (Depression) - December 19th 2012, 07:21 PM

Hey, so I'm new on this site, and I'm sort of really excited to actually get answers after a long time of only relying on other sites(Y!A) so yeah I'm really excited (:

Okay, so I'm a 13 year old girl, and I know I have depression, I haven't been diagnosed yet, but I know I have it. Looking back over the years, I have now realised that it gradually came on, it probably slowly, gradually started at the beginning of year 7(2 years and 4 months ago). I only realise I was depressed like in May(this year). My mum was brought up in the type of environment where, if you have any type of mental illness, you are "mad" or "you need to be locked up". She was taught that mental illness' were only for the blatantly phycotic(sorry about the spelling). So I guess you could say that she has a stigma of any type or form of mental illness'. Not necessarily ALL illness', just the mental ones. Which sort of makes it impossible to talk to her about it.

So in late july, I finally plucked up the courage to tell her how I was feeling, but I had an anxiety attack right before I approached her so I decided to tell her that I had to tell her something really important but by text, she said okay. I then told her, that I was depressed and asked her if she could take me to the GP. She gave me a long speech about how she tried her absolute hardest to make sure me and my sister had the best possible life, (she had been throught a hell of a lot), then she told me that to even tell her I was "depressed" was very selfish of me and that I should pray for forgiveness for wishing myself something so "horrible". She didn't talk to me for almost 2 weeks, until we went to my older cousins house, and we had a "heart to heart" session. Filled with loads of tears, the best thing to do at the time, was just lie, and say "oh, I'm sorry, what was I thinking I'm not depressed" or say things like" I'm sorry mum, I didn't really understand depression that much". So I had to play along with the fact that she was right and I was wrong. I still knew I was depressed, I just had to suffer in silence.

Till this day, I am still depressed and its gotten a LOT worse, I've been having A Lot of suicdal thought,I know I'd never do it, but its always in my mind. Full of "what ifs" and such. So long story short, I don't know what else to do. I could go to the GP(which is literally 15 seconds away from my house) . But then if he diagnosed me, he would call my mum and tell her, or I could just suffer in silence, whilst my symptoms worsen.

Arghh, I really don't know what to do. I can't go to my school cousellor because only the teachers can pick you, and teachers have enough to do, than, look out to see who needs help and who doesn't. How would they pick me, I don't let anyone know I'm depressed, I pretend. Hmm I really don't know what to do, I'm stuck.I've got a lot of bottled up emotions in me and I hate myself when I lash out at people I love most and that don't deserve it, its like an annoying cycle. I have a choic between doing something, if I do it, ill probably be annoyed if I don't, ill forever hate myself and feel guilty, if I do it, most likeyim gonna do it like its the worst thing in the world(I can't help it) but if I don't do it, I'm gonna feel guilty and isolate myslf from everyone for days even if its over the little things.
Sorry its so long (:
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Re: What do I do now ? (Depression) - December 19th 2012, 08:02 PM

Hey welcome to the forum.
I'm very sorry to hear that your mom is not more caring about how you feel. That's really tough.
My mom always told me that the depression was in my head or something along those lines. She said I needed to think positive thoughts, and I needed to stop dwelling on the negative things.
Do you think that made me feel any better? No.
But after a while I tried harder and harder to stop thinking about suicidal thoughts, and other negative things, and focused on more things, and people that I loved, and who loved me.
I started reading a bunch of Bible devotionals, and now today I'm not depressed. Sure I can get down sometimes, but I feel so much better.
So you have to try and think of good things. Get all those suicidal thoughts out of your head. Distract yourself with watching a movie, or listening to some music you love (preferably not something dark).
If you feel upset about something and you don't have anyone to tell in person. Write your thoughts down on paper, type it onto a computer. It will help those negative thoughts to get over with instead of dwelling in your mind over and over. It is also always welcome to rant on this site too. We care about you here and always want to help any way we can.
I really hope things get better for you quick. Never be afraid to speak up when you are in times like this. You should never have to suffer alone in silence. No one deserves that.

I try my best to help, but that doesn't always mean I will be helpful.

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Re: What do I do now ? (Depression) - December 19th 2012, 09:17 PM

Thank you (: (:
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Re: What do I do now ? (Depression) - December 20th 2012, 06:08 PM

First welcome,

Second, a really important bit of advice. You should be able to get counciling outside at school without your parents knowing. There should be centres of counciling society's near you and you should be able to get counciling. My counciler told me this if I needed it for further reference. Depression is a really hard thing to open up to people, and saying to someone that you feel depressed is a very brave thing to do. And I'm sorry your mum reacted that way. So back to my point about getting counciling I strongly suggest trying it out. I have had counciling for a few months and I'm learning to open up to people about how I feel (mainly my counciler, but hey it's a start) and if you tell them these thoughts. 1) it's confidential, second they may be able to refer to someone to diagnose you if you do have depression. And if a proffesional says to your mum she may realise what it is. But don't worry things will get sorted out. And if you have any questions about what I said or you just want to chat message me


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