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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Simpry Offline
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I don't deserve to be here - December 31st 2012, 05:35 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Hi,

I have been seriously suicidal for several months now. About a week ago my mum was rummaging through my stuff and found a noose in my bedroom and with a lot of pointless fussing they confiscated it. This is my life and I can do whatever I want with it. I shouldn't be here speaking to you right now.

I have spent the last few weeks making excuses to myself about why I should live but the truth is I deserve to die. It is absolutely disgusting that I have held out like this. I am like a fugitive running from death row. I know that I have failed, that I have discarded all my masculinity, all my fucking humanity etc and the only non-shameful, non-pathetic, non-degrading act I could commit is to hang myself (short drop for extra pain).

2013 was not meant to be a year in which this person lives. He is meant to be dead. That is simply how it is supposed to be. In any case, the only girl I could ever possibly love is disgusted by me and I will never see her again. I agree with her. She is unlikely to find out if I am gone and if she does I doubt it will affect her. She will probably be releived. I don't care how this affects anyone else because if they care about me, that simply proves that their almost as bad as me and deserve suffering. Any straight-thinking worthy person would rejoice at the death of a worthless, socially retarded (possibly aspergers), weak, unfit and malfunctioning piece of junk, life unworthy of life that deserved to be in concentration camps. I don't want to sound like a Nazi, because they picked the wrong victims. But there are people who deserve to be tortured just for who they are and I am one of them. Even I do not care whether I live or die so those that do (which would basically just be my family) are inflicting pain on themselves by obsessing over a piece of shit. If they undergo grief, it will be irrational grief, and I cannot base my actions on irrational things.

Long story short, I should be dead. It is shameful and pathetic that I am not. Fuck you, Simon. Fuck you.

Anyway, sorry to put people down at what is supposed to be a festive time. It's also her birthday (I remember memorizing it back when she still considered me a friend). Things were so much better back then. Now, I've lost. I can't recover. It has to stop. I have to die. Now.

EDIT: removed my name.

Last edited by Simpry; December 31st 2012 at 09:19 PM. Reason: Got rid of my name.
   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
Simpry Offline
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Re: I don't deserve to be here - December 31st 2012, 09:22 PM

Guys I need help. I don't know if what I'm saying is rational or not. It feels like it is and people who tell me it's not don't seem to understand things the way I see them. Nobody understands.

Please comment.

Thanks.
   
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
Simpry Offline
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Re: I don't deserve to be here - December 31st 2012, 09:22 PM

Guys I need help. I don't know if what I'm saying is rational or not. It feels like it is and people who tell me it's not don't seem to understand things the way I see them. Nobody understands.

Please comment.

Thanks.
   
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Re: I don't deserve to be here - December 31st 2012, 09:43 PM

Hi,
Please don't kill yourself. I know what it feels like to be suicidal and feel exactly the way that you do, but suicide is not the answer regardless of what's happened.
Why do you feel like you deserve all this pain?
You don't deserve to feel this way at all. Please PM me if you need to talk about it.
I'm here for you.


I could dwell on my problems... But I'd rather make a milkshake...
   
  (#5 (permalink)) Old
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Re: I don't deserve to be here - December 31st 2012, 10:20 PM

No need to apologize, I always felt that the "holiday season" was depressing enough. It sucks being reminded how "cheery" you're supposed to be by everyone you meet. To the matter at hand, what makes you think now is your time to die? Weakness and social aptitude are relative to other humans, who are already marvelous creatures to begin with. You could be a blind mole missing a leg and covered in shit and dirt...What makes you weak? Physical strength is no longer requisite for success in this world. Social graces are overrated in my opinion. You say you do not do irrational things, but surely taking your own life instead of using it to help others is not a rational decision. Stick around, there is much to see and much that must be done.



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You can find my kind living right on the fault line, eyes on the seaside, lives on the B-side, kites on the power lines.
   
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Re: I don't deserve to be here - December 31st 2012, 11:31 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ghost On The Highway View Post
No need to apologize, I always felt that the "holiday season" was depressing enough. It sucks being reminded how "cheery" you're supposed to be by everyone you meet. To the matter at hand, what makes you think now is your time to die? Weakness and social aptitude are relative to other humans, who are already marvelous creatures to begin with. You could be a blind mole missing a leg and covered in shit and dirt...What makes you weak? Physical strength is no longer requisite for success in this world. Social graces are overrated in my opinion. You say you do not do irrational things, but surely taking your own life instead of using it to help others is not a rational decision. Stick around, there is much to see and much that must be done.
You make some good points. However, I am afraid I don't feel the same way. I would rather be an animal than what I am. Not all humans are marvellous creatures. They are only marvellous if they work properly, just as all animals. But when they malfunction as in my case they are no longer worth anything. A computer or a car may have beautiful properties to it, but if even the tiniest aspect of it is defective, it can cease to work and is a piece of junk. That is me. A worthless broken machine that will never work. By weakness, I was not referring to physical strength; I was referring to character.
   
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Re: I don't deserve to be here - January 1st 2013, 12:12 AM

You've already taken the first step, reaching out. The fact that you came on here to ask us for help means something. There's a little bit of hope left.

The more you talk to yourself like that, the more you'll believe it. I'm sure you're a great person. What did you do to make you think that you deserve to die? Everyone screws up. I've messed up plenty of times.

You don't deserve to die. You were put on this earth to love and to be loved.

Strangers on the inernet care about you, please don't do this.


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Re: I don't deserve to be here - January 2nd 2013, 02:58 AM

Hi there
So guess what? The fact that you posted this, means you are looking for some reason to live. Well, I am going to try to give you some. Who know what's beautiful? Life. Being able to live & change your life in any way that you feel fit. Yes, this includes being able to take your own life, but think of all the things that you wouldn't be able to do. You would never be able to get happy, you would never see another sunrise, you would never be able to see your family again (whether or not you have a good relationship with them or not) & most of all, you wouldn't be able to find something that truly makes you happy. I don't know if I believe in a god or not, but I do believe that every person was put here with a purpose. You just haven't found your purpose yet. If you commit suicide, your family WILL be the one that suffers. I don't know your family situation, but you have people around you that care about you. & they DESERVE to be able to care about you. The girl that you "loved", well, if you guys were really meant to be, things will happen. If not, that's because you're meant to find something better. You have to be happy before you can ask to be happy with someone else. Does that make sense? My brother; he was born with a seizure disorder, ADHD, and a social disorder which we didn't later diagnose as Aspergers until he was 20 years old. Not only that, but he also found out when he turned 21 that he has a degenerative eye disorder that will cause him to slowly go blind. Guess what? Even with everything that he has been dealt from birth, he still has a daughter, a fiance, a job, a family that loves him, an apartment, and only ONE good friend. My brother, has been dealt cards that are things that he will never be able to fix. But he finds things to be happy about. I'm sure you can to. You have things to be happy about, you just have to stop focusing on the negative long enough to realize those things. Don't commit suicide. You have too much to live for. I promise.
   
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