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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Takoda Offline
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Name: Kristin
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Unhappy No Hope Left - January 12th 2013, 07:26 PM

Okay, I'm going to vent, so i'm warning you all now, this may not make much sense, but any help is appreciated...

So, yesterday, i was cleaning the bathrooms, and I was singing while I was doing so. It has always been my passion to sing, and ever since I was about 6 years old, I always dreamed of being on stage. I've written a couple of songs, and I sing all the time. It makes me so happy; music is the only way I can escape, really. When I want to cut, I listen to my music, and everything is fine.
But when my parents came home from running some errands, dad called me upstairs. I went up, and he started yelling, and I mean YELLING, at me for singing while working. He said that I sounded like a crack-head, and that I wasn't as good of a singer that I thought I was. He said "You're not some Brittany Spears, or Madonna, Kristin. You are not a professional, and you can't fucking sing!" He started lecturing me about how I should stop singing, and start cleaning stuff more.
I had recently made a youtube channel with 2 videos of mine. I did a couple of covers, and had shown them to family and friends. They all said that I did a great job, and that made me feel amazing! I love to sing, and everyone begs me to sing all the time, so I put some videos up on youtube. Dad said, "And Kristin? You're not going to be the next big fucking youtube star, alright? You're not. Never."
He kept going on with his little rant, and then we got into a subject where I found out my mom was hiding something from me. I said to her, "So, why are you hiding things from me? you don't want me hiding things from you, so why would you do that to me? that really hurts." Then dad's eyes got really big, and he got really quiet, and slowly started walking towards me. He said very quietly "If you DARE talk to her like that again, you bitch, then you are going to be knocked into the middle of next month, mark my words. You do NOT treat her with this type of disrespect. AT. ALL." I apologized, but honestly, I didn't really feel sorry.
Just a month before, mom had said that she was letting me do anything that I wanted, because she gave up on me. That she didn't care anymore. That she was done with all of my "bullshit", though I ALWAYS gave her respect when I asked for things.
Anyways, after he got done yelling at me, I went back downstairs to finish my bathroom. I got in there, closed the door, and sunk to the floor, sobbing. I had to cover my mouth, as these tears just started pouring down my face. I was so hurt. Crushed, even. Here I thought that all of my friends loved my singing, and that I might achieve my dream of becoming a singer one day. And yet my own dad, who's supposed to support me no matter what, said I sounded like a crack-head, and that I was an awful singer. That i'd never make it anywhere. I was completely crushed. And I wasn't only crying because of that. dad has been like this for the past 2 weeks, and i've cried myself to sleep every night for the past 2 weeks. I'm always reminding myself of what he's called me. Bitch, whore, slut, asshole, fucker, dick-weed, asshole, fat-ass, whale, dumbass, dipshit, etc. Pretty much anything you could think of. And also, i've been so stressed out lately, with not only what crap he's been giving me, but also, the rest of my family. My brother trying to get me in trouble, and literally lying in front of my face in front of mom and dad, and my mom giving up on me... I just broke down. I was crying so badly.
I decided to stop my singing, and never to sing again. So as I went to the storage room for the hammer, I had to stop twice, because I was hyperventilating, and crying so badly. Once I got up again, I grabbed the hammer, and grabbed my microphone. I sat on the ground, and just started whacking the microphone with the hammer. The whole top of the mic was flattened, and I destroyed the inside, so it would never work again. then I took a pair of scissors, and cut up the cord that went with it (it was a USB mic). It took me at least half an hour to stop crying. I have NEVER cried so hard in my life. usually it's a few tears, then I stop. But this time, I was literally ready to pass out, I was crying so badly.

I don't know what to do. I mean, my mood has been completely random lately. I wake up, and i'm neutral, because i'm tired. I get to school, and im' suddenly super happy. When I get home, i'm still super happy about school, until suddenly, i'm alone in my room, and I just start crying again. From cloud 9 all the way to rock bottom. and I'm not one who usually cries like this, if you've known me for a long time. But after crying, im' neutral again until I wake up in the morning. I've had these moments where i'm so happy i'm smiling like an idiot, and then all of a sudden i'm threatening to cut myself with the pins from my cork-board, as i'm crying. I'm scared.

I don't know what to do... I can't stand being here anymore... and i'm scared of what I might do with these random mood changes... I just needed to vent more than anything, but I mean, is there anybody who's felt like this before? Because i'm scared. I'll be talking to my counselor about this as soon as I can, but until then, I wanted someone to read this on here...


Constantly lost and found~
   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: No Hope Left - January 13th 2013, 01:36 AM

Hello Kristin,

My name is Beth.

I've been there. Happy one minute and then crying and sad the next. People would tell me that "Its all part of growing up" to them I would just give em the finger. I got through it. I'm a little older then you are and I can tell you that it will get better...it seems so long from now because you are 15 and things are happening around you that shouldn't. I guess when we are teens we think everything will take forever. Trust me when i say that when you get my age things get faster and better.
It is very unfair and in my humble opinion cruel what your dad is saying to you. A parent shouldn't call names and insult their children. Crushing dreams and crushing spirits, I think is the cruelest of all. I think you should talk to your counselor about this. Tell the absolute truth. As far as your mother saying that she gave up on you...my heart is with you, again no child should ever hear that no matter what. I know a mother who lost her 17 year old girl a couple years ago, they would fight, yell, holler even , the 17 year old could be difficult, and you know that mother to this day says she would give anything to hug her one more time. She always says hug your babies because you never know when they won't be there to hug anymore. I wish I could tell your mom this, to let her know that she still has you in her life.
I say dream the dream you have! You want to be a singer,go for it. Don't let ANYONE tell you that you can't. Sing everywhere, anytime. Don't stop because your dad says those awful things, sing inspite of it!
Have you ever seen the movie The Help? Its a great movie that I recommend. There's a very important quote in that I will type to you now and I want you to remember this. The quote is: "You is kind. You is smart. You is important"
Please remember that Kristin, for it is true for everyone
Take care,
Beth


Beth



Live, Laugh, Love


Don't Let Your Character Change Color With Your Environment, Find Out Who You Are And Let It Stay It's True Color - Rachel Scott
   
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
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Re: No Hope Left - January 13th 2013, 10:16 PM

hey there i know how you feel, i went through the same thing but less seriously than you. i wrote a song for my parent's christmas present and performed it for them on christmas morning. my mum said it was lovely but i think it was just out of politeness, and my dad said "you need to do it better" and walked away. i didn't see him until lunchtime. it hurt so much, and it was on christmas! i'd been offered to work with a recording company but told them i didn't want to take deal any more because of it. all i want to do in the future is make my own music but my parents make me feel i'm not good enough for it. anyways, what i'm trying to get at is that i'm here if you need to talk whether it being about parents or music or anything. i'm sure you're an amazing singer though! if you give me your youtube name i'll subscribe
<3
   
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Re: No Hope Left - January 14th 2013, 03:34 AM

Hi, Kristin, sweetie... I'm Christabel.

I am so so sorry to hear about how your family treats you, that's cruel to crush your passion and dream, and your spirit. That is definitely not right at all. You sound like a really, extremely sweet and wonderful amazing girl that certainly does not deserve all this. The way your family talks to you sounds like verbal and emotional abuse. I'm really sorry, sweetie. Breaks my heart knowing what you're going through. The fact that your mom hid things from you when you don't hide anything from her is very unfair and an unbalanced level of respect. Of course, she is your mom but that doesn't mean you don't deserve any respect from her. My parents sometimes yell at me and never really give me much respect, make me tell them everything then hide things from me. So I definitely know how you feel. Although they don't call me names and such. In some way, I understand a bit how you feel. I often cry myself to sleep to or run to the bathroom to cry during the day. You just... Deserve so much better, sweetie. One problem about me, I let my parents say things like this and after I'm too broken to speak or stand up for myself. Have you thought about telling your dad how much this hurts you inside being called all these names? Or ask your mom why she gives up on you even though you do show respect? That's just not right. You don't have to be a complete maid and do everything perfect for them and for them to still act in the manner to you?... Stand up for yourself and let them know you can't be spoke to this way.

It's good you'll be speaking to a counselor but can you also speak to relatives, trusted friends or a therapist about how your parents treat you, about how depressed it's making you feel? Because something really needs to be done about this. Nobody deserves to be treated this way. Could you move in with other relatives or friends? If not because of custody reasons, you can do so when you're 18.

How about writing some thoughts and feelings in a journal? Or going biking or doing an outside activity to try your best to stay positive and away from your parents? Or trying out for the talent show at school? You can sing. Drawing or painting is a good outlet as well.

If your passion is singing, then that's really great. I think you should keep singing and just ignore your parents, what do they know? They know nothing about respect and properly treating a person without making them feel so low. So how could they possibly know? Negative comments is all they know I guess. Don't give up potential future of singing and what you love so much. Keep doing it, Kristin. Believe in yourself and your dreams and don't let other people ruin that for you, don't let your parents make you believe otherwise. I bet you have an amazing voice and can sing so great. I'd really love to hear your youtube videos if that's okay?

Please never give up on yourself or your dreams. You can do this. I urge you to know that you can always send me a E-Mail, a VM or PM if you ever need someone to talk to. I know how loneliness feels and how you can feel like you just don't wanna stay there anymore. I'd really like to listen and get to know you better. You deserve some support and a friend. I understand how you feel a bit so I just wanna be there for you and have a new awesome friend. I'd also love to hear your YouTube videos! The fact you sing for family and friends, shows you have a happy and free spirit, that's rare and amazing. You're a fantastic person, don't forget that or let anyone make you forget that.

Stay Strong <3

~ Christabel
   
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