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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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Katley Offline
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Question Thoughts, Please. At least its an interesting story? - January 15th 2013, 07:44 PM

As a little kid i was practically psychotic. I saw this man and in my dreams he would beat me, and he scared me so much. My parents, being good, loving parents, would never imagine how much these dreams tortured me. He appeared when I was awake as well, which is why I was a messed up little kid.

As I got older I stopped seeing this man (He was scary looking and wore a black pinstripped suit and smiled awfully at me)... But I started finding comfort in dreams where I was tortured and molested and beaten and all sorts of awful things. I couldnt fall asleep without reliving these horrid things over and over... I never told anyone as I didnt find it to be odd.

I found myself doing things rather inappropriate sexually for an 8 year old. I didnt know that what I was doing was different at all, I didnt understand. Me and my friend at one point would arouse each other (as like INNOCENT 8-10 year olds because I showed her what I did... So i guess my first time I had something relating to sex it was a lesbian experience... however I had no IDEA what I was doing).

As I got older and lost some of my innocence I started to feel guilty about said things, and ive come to terms with the fact that I was young and innocent and had no idea what i was doing.

In my early teens I began physically hurting myself and dealing schizophrenia, along with other problems. I almost killed myself. I never made the connections to my childhood until recently.

I just feel like something must have triggered these things, and triggered my ongoing depression and urges for self destruction. I have strong urges and wishes to be beaten to be hurt (I dont know if I think I deserve it or what, it doesnt make any sense... I just want it and I want the pain of it).

If anyone has any ideas please please help me come to terms with my past. I feel so inadequate and so helpless and hopeless and sad because if there isnt a reason, I am flawed and just plain insane. I need to resolve this somehow.

Thats why I put this under depression. Its just... my entire life has been one big depression, as blessed as I am. My parents are loving and I have enough money but these things happen and im soo so self destructive and just in need of pain physically. Im also rather sexual, honestly. Which isnt really a problem, but its different than most people I hang around.

I just dont understand.

Just rise above this
Kill them with your kindness
Ignorance is blindness
They're the ones that stand to lose

'Cause they don't even know you
All they see is SCARS
They don't see the ANGEL
Living in your heart
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Re: Thoughts, Please. At least its an interesting story? - January 19th 2013, 12:35 AM

I know you don't want to do this but I think you should tell someone and get help. It will help you out a lot.
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Re: Thoughts, Please. At least its an interesting story? - January 31st 2013, 06:59 AM

I'm sorry you've been feeling that way. And I'm not going to be any help. But I really really felt the need to comment on this I guess?

When I was younger, I did things with my friend. Things like what you said. I'd never met another person in the world who did that, and jesus tits I would have never had the balls to write it down!! I won't go into details but she was raised super religiously, and you know the weirdness that you start to feel as you get older? As you're slowly realizing how kind of wrong it was? And gross I guess? I don't know the right words to describe it but yeah.... she tried to kill herself. And obviously I'm not doing too good either (I'm reading random posts of sad people in the middle of the night because I'm sad...) but that's never been the total REASON for my being suicidal. I've actually never known what to think about it.

Anyways I just wanted to say thank you. Because you're right, we were young and we didn't really know what we were doing. Just knowing I'm not alone has seriously made me feel a kajillion times better.... I don't know if that matters but still. Thanks.
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