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Name: PJ
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Why am I still here? - January 17th 2013, 09:07 PM

Been asking myself for a while now. Tired of everything and everyone. My birthday is exactly 9 months after my parents wedding. Every time I remember this, I think, "Was I just an accident?" No one really wants me around or cares when I am gone. So what will change if I leave and never come back? What do I have to offer to the world? I can't do anything right, no one finds me even a little bit attractive, everyone takes advantage of me and when they don't need to, they ignore me. I just have that something about me that makes people not want to talk or have anything to do with me. Even on here, a lot of my threads are ignored. I just hate how I can't be good at anything. I studied for an important quiz, made a 94. Kid behind me sleeps during class, never takes notes and makes a 98. These people in AP classes make good grades without even trying. They don't have to try to be great but I have to try my hardest just to be good. So that I can shake off the stereotype that i'm just another uneducated ni**er. That I'm not an idiot. But lately, thats all I've proven myself to be. An idiot. A useless one. I see all these people being buddy buddy in my class, then there is me, just ignored or used as the butt of jokes. I hate being laughed at. I hate laughter in general because I always assume its about me. Probably my weight. I've been trying for a good six years to lose weight because I feel if I do, people will respect me more or maybe even like me more. But for six years, nothing. Not even a little.

So why not kill myself? Save my parents the electricity and disappointment. Save people from having to deal with an idiot like me? What good reason do I have? Wait for the future? I'm tired of waiting because thats all I've done. Wait for something good to happen and it never has and I doubt it ever will. So why am I still here?
   
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Re: Why am I still here? - January 17th 2013, 09:09 PM

everybody still loves and cares for you no matter what even if they don't show it . they mightnot know how t show it you are wprth it and not an idiot . if you want to pm me or vm me im here for you no matter what


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Re: Why am I still here? - January 17th 2013, 10:07 PM

You know what you should do?
Prove everyone wrong.
Break that ignorant stereotype people have of you.
Show them what you are really capable of.

You wonder if whether your birth was an accident? Well, maybe you should ask your parents straight up? They may have planned for you. Either way, it doesn't take away from the fact they cared enough to bring you up, to support you, to allow you to get an education and so on.

Everyone is different in every situation.
I know how you feel about that test thing. I often spend hours studying for an exam, only to see one of my friends who hardly even looks over notes get more than I. It's really just down to how your brain is wired. Chances are, you're better than most people at something, while others are better than you at something, it's just how life is.

I know a way that may help you get a bit more social.
Change your outlook. Stop having that depressive, self-hatred way of thinking. I know it's hard, but try shift your mindset. Seize the world, see it in a new light and work towards a goal. If you set yourself a goal, you'll become more focused, motivated, and maybe even changed.
   
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Re: Why am I still here? - January 28th 2013, 11:07 AM

Hey, PJ! I'm Christabel. <3

I am so sorry about how you feel, I understand how it feels to wait, and wait... Just wait. But it's brought me a really special person in my life. I believe it could for you too. And Hun, even if you were an accident, you were a darn wonderful blessing of an accident. If you were an accident, and your parents have cared for you and loved you, then all that means is really special life happened unintended and your parents are so blessed and lucky.

I agree with Shaun... Prove all those people wrong, because they are wrong and you can be whoever you want. Keep doing as good as you can in class, it'll help with your future. Get a nice job, then you can think back on all of this and tell yourself you can do it. You aren't a stereotype. Because stereotypes are stupid. By the way, if people don't respect you as much because of your looks or weight, than they don't deserve any respect for you. Remember that if someone makes you feel so low, then they're just as low as they judge others to be. It's not you, it's them. You are special.

I believe that there's a lot of hope for you, happiness and a really great future. Don't let others ruin that chance for you. Pave your own road to success and don't let others get in the way of that. Look around you and pick out the positive things and focus on them. Write down the positive and negatives of the day everyday and rip it in half, throw away the negatives and keep the list of positives. Look at how much greatness there is in a day. Remember happy moments, remember that in darkness there's always hope. Remember that you are loved and cared for no matter how much you think otherwise. Think and pick out at least one thing you like about yourself, compliment yourself when you do good. Do nice things for yourself.

Know that a beautiful girlfriend and future wife, future beautiful kids and a happy life is open for you and suicide throws that all away. Don't throw your life away.

Can you talk to the counselor at school or talk to your parents about how you feel?

I think that a change of routine in your everyday life would be great for you. Try to find new hobbies or get interested in something new, even if it's only a new TV show/movie or music you've just now discovered. Explore everything and try out new things, explore your interests and what you enjoy. Play games? Write down your feelings in a journal, it's a good way to express yourself. Appreciate nature and all the beautiful things around you, appreciate the earth, the animals, the amazing beauty in life. The cool breeze on a spring day, or know that spring's coming after the cold darkness melts away by the warm sunlight.

You are worth it and you're really special. Prove that to yourself. I'm here if you need a friend to talk to, I'd love to know you better. Feel free to PM/VM me anytime.

Stay Strong <3

~ Christabel
   
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