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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
The Darkness Offline
Nothing Began Everything
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Name: Raphael
Gender: Nonbinary (They/Them)
Location: California

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Join Date: February 27th 2010

So here we are - January 22nd 2013, 06:47 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I'm pathetic.
It's 2AM and I'm here endlessly downloading themes for my phone like an addict while listening to the highs of My Little Pony and the lows of Muse.
Everything around me is fine. Maybe not ideal, but I have a roof over my head, food, a smartphone, and working earphones for once.
But somewhere in the back of my mind, I'm hanging myself.
Today went well around me. I bought some iced tea and went to the movies. My mom behaved.
Yet today, like everyday, I didn't want to wake.
I'm pathetic.
I obsess overly of him. And now it's affected me so much.
I broke the Promise. I stopped the streak. I cut for the first time in a year.
And I did it because I became altered and delusional.
I didn't do it. I deny I did it.
I did it because I didn't get to talk to him again.
I did it because brain registered that as bad and said that he's avoiding me because he wants to break up with me so he can go be with another prettier, smarter, better, and most of all, saner girl.
I did it because I believe he doesn't love me.
I'm pathetic.
Why would you cut because some guy doesn't love you?
He's not some guy.
He's the one who made me believe I'm the most interesting girl in the world.
He's the one who made me believe I can be loved dispite all sense of insanity and instability.
He's the one who made me believe that I can be missed.
He's the one who made me believe that I matter.
He's the one who made me believe that someone truly and utterly cares.
He's the one who made me believe that I'm not a monster.
He's the one who made me believe that I can love.
He showed me love. Something I have never experienced before.
I'm pathetic.
I knew my emotions get the best of me and fly out of control. Just how when I found the feeling of true friendship, I let that blow out of proportion.
I should have known and done something. Maybe then he wouldn't be distancing.
Maybe then, brain wouldn't be creating these ideas.
I'm pathetic.
I cry out to my friend to fix the mess I created in my head. I told her to call him and say everything because everytime I try, I break down when I don't get to talk to him.
And this happens. After so many months, after one year, of fighting it, I failed. Over the reason, the person, who motivated me to stop in the first place.
I'm pathetic. Don't say I'm not. I am. No non pathetic person would cut and want to kill themselves because their delusional paranoid mind says her boyfriend who, might I add, has proven many times that he does indeed love her, doesn't love her.
I know what you'll say. "You're not pathetic". Do you honestly think that helps? Some words from an unknown person from the internet will totally affect my mentality.
I know what you'll say. "Talk to him". You don't realize how hard that is. If he doesn't answer or is asleep, my brain goes balistic and believes everything bad.
I know what you'll say. "Your life is worth more than some guy, after all, there's plenty more fish in the ocean!" Swans only have one partner in their entire lifetime and if their partner dies then they die as well.
I know what you'll say. "You're not a swan, you're human!" Don't you realize how beautiful that concept is?
I know what you'll say. "I know it's nice but you're human and that doesn't happen with humans" Wouldn't it be nice, though? Wouldn't it be wonderful? I know he's the only one I can have. No one can be as understanding as he has been with me. No one.
I know what you'll say. "There's probably someone as supportive!" Someone who can support my insanity and still accept me? Someone who can reject all rumors and any words from anyone of me being unstable and crazy? Someone who can care and worry and help me when I ran away? Someone who can love ME? Not just anyone, ME?
I know what you'll say. "Don't think that way, after all, you say he's proven otherwise". Do you honestly think a delusional paranoid schizophrenic mind can just simply brush it off? That it's so simple to just think "oh well he said this 6+ months ago, it must be true forever I shouldn't think this way!"? If that was true, I wouldn't be posting this.
I know what you'll say. "Your life is worth more! Believe etc." Like I said, do you honestly believe someone I don't know on the internet will just change how I think by just saying a few words of encouragement?
Maybe what I'm looking for is a revelation. Some light among the dark overgrowth of these imbalancement of chemicals. Some saving grace that will dip down into the depths of this hell and rescue me from the monsters that are my beginning and my end. An angel that will decend from the heavens and sweep me away into the sunlight. Him to come in his shining armor and slay the dragon imprisoning me.
Maybe I'm looking in the wrong places. Maybe the answer is what has always been known as the answer.
Death. Death for me is the only salvation. Like how they killed off the ill back before they knew about mental illness.
I know I'd be too much of a pussy to actually off myself. After all, low roof, no meds, no accessible bleach, no high buildings nearby. The only way is the blade and knowing my countless attempts with it before, my trials will be futile, pitiful, and pathetic, like me.
I'll just wander into a huge national forest where I can never be found alive. Maybe dead, but definatly not alive.
I won't take my own life, I'll let nature take my life.
I'll provoke nature to take my life.
And while I'm at it, relish in the delusion.
For God said unto me: "Thou shalt not be loved, for thou is a monster"
Don't say I'm not [insult]. Because I am, and you can't convince me of it otherwise.
Kill me. Kill me.


THE POINT OF SINGULARITY IS NOTHING AS NOTHING BEGAN EVERYTHING
PULSING IN THE EXPAND CONSUME WITHOUT BARRIER OR BORDER
IT IS DARK BECAUSE IT IS THE DARKNESS IT IS OVER BECAUSE IT IS THE END
THERE IS NO SENTRY BECAUSE NONE DARE APPROACH
IT HAS NEVER BEEN AND IT IS ALL THAT EVER WAS
AT THE CENTER YOU DO NOT FIND THE ANSWER
YOU DO NOT FIND YOURSELF THERE IS NO CENTER AND THERE IS NO YOU THERE IS ONLY MADNESS
WE ARE ALL HERE NOW.
WE ARE ALL HERE.
WE ARE.

   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
arepo Offline
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Re: So here we are - January 24th 2013, 07:00 PM

You're right, I am just some unknown stranger on the internet, but if you really didn't want someone to say those things then why come here to a place full of unknown strangers on the internet that just want to help and try to show you they can care about you? I read your entire post and my unknown stranger conclusion? You're not pathetic and you're not a monster. I did just say you're not pathetic, yes, you knew I was going to say that. Although, I'm not going to sit here and lie and say you're a pathetic monster that doesn't deserve to be loved. That's what you think about yourself, but, on the contrary, not everyone else out there does.

You may have self harmed for the first time in a while, but that doesn't mean it was all for nothing. You don't have to restart your count of how long you've gone either, because slip ups are bound to happen. The reason for self harming is never pathetic or unworthy of attention, because if there's anything that makes you want to harm yourself, then there's a problem that can be helped.

I don't know much about this guy you're talking about, only that he made you feel good about yourself and your life. He's not the only person in the world that can do that. You're both not swans and life is meant to just keep moving forward. It's his choice if he wants to be in your life and if he doesn't, then that's something you will need to come to terms with on your own time and hopefully be able to keep moving with your life.

I'm sorry if I sound blunt, but I don't know what you really want anyone to say here. Seeing as you've shot down the responses you'd think we would use. The thing is that people can care about you and help you, even if they're over the internet. Ultimately you should consider therapy or counselling, so you have a person in your actual life to help you through hard times like these.

(Or you can always talk to me, because I'm willing to get to know you and try to help you out. I should not be considered an alternative to counselling if you need it, but I can be a friend.)

Stay strong.
- Immy.


“There is nothing beautiful about the wreckage of a human being.
There is nothing pretty about damage, about pain, about heartache.
What is beautiful is their strength, their resilience, their fortitude
as they display an ocean of courage when they pick through the
wreckage of their life to build something beautiful brand new,
against every odd that is stacked against them.” — Nikita Gill
   
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