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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Breathe~me Offline
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Name: Janine
Age: 23
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If I were dead.. - January 22nd 2013, 11:40 AM

So I'm getting to the point where I really don't think I will get better or recover from depression.
I've noticed that now since the end of last year (when everyone else thought i was 'healed') , that my sleep pattern has became even worse and I'm becoming more irritable and sensitive
I will literally burst into tears if someone asks me how my day was or mentions the words 'happy' and 'joy' in any sentence they say.
I've had help but nothing is working.
Counseling has helped me but I'm getting to the point where I understand they can't 'heal' me completely but I feel even worse because I'm just not getting anywhere.
I feel freaking alone, my face-to-face counselor left her contract last week, so all i have now is a helpline. fml
I feel so tempted to end it all
There doesn't feel like anything else i can do because i'll NEVER get any better.
and as soon as i start school again i'm just going to get bullied even worse, a guy at school calls me ugly,fat,stupid,dumb,attention seeker,wh*ore, useless,worthless,a waste of time, a waste of space, a loner, an emo, a suicidal freak; he yells out in front of everyone purposely 'hey look at her, she's an emo, she cuts herself!' and tells me to go kill myself and that i have no friends because everyone hates me.
He's practically recruited the younger kids to do the same..
It's hard enough putting up with him on a daily basis.
but now i'm dealing with at least 5 kids saying the same things
I don't feel like I deserve a place in this world...
I don't even see the point anymore.

~ Words scar, Rumors destroy and bullies kill ~
~ I'm just another nobody.
~ You can't tell how much suffering is on a face that's always smiling </3
~ Be my friend.
hold me.
wrap me up.
unfold me.
I am small and needy.
Warm me up and breathe me.

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Last edited by Palmolive; January 23rd 2013 at 11:33 PM. Reason: Removing prefix
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  (#2 (permalink)) Old
cynefin Offline
may luck be yours.

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Re: If I were dead.. - January 23rd 2013, 09:32 PM

I've seen the aftermath of suicide before. It's left people I know devestated as they try to pick up the pieces. I burst into tears when my cousin attempted suicide. I, too, have attempted it myself. And more than once.

By the time you read this, a few others in the world have already taken their lives. You're still alive, so you still have time to choose differently.

I have found myself thinking the exact same thoughts you're thinking -- I can't go on any longer. I just feel too overwhelmed by it all. Nobody loves me, and those who do are just saying it; they're probably lying. I've gone on feeling so bad for so long, I just don't feel like I can take it any more. I give up.

If you recognize yourself in some of those words, that's good. That means that despite all of the bad feelings you're feeling, you can identify some of those feelings that have been felt by others.

You made this post, that means there's a glimmer of hope. If I couldn't help you and you killed yourself I'd feel terrible. Don't become a statistic. Take living one day at a time. I promise, you are not alone. This is going to sound weird because I'm a little younger than you. But hold on. Hold onto life and when high school is over it'll get better. You can go to college with similar people and those "popular" people and bullies won't be there. I'm not saying life is all butterflies and rainbows, it sucks. I guess it's what we make of it with our time. I'm saying this because I had an opportunity to leave public school, and I took it. It'll get better. You saying it won't get better is your depression talking.

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They whispered to her
you cannot withstand the storm
she whispered back
i am the storm.
  (#3 (permalink)) Old
Palmolive Offline
Purr Purr Purr.
Jeez, get a life!
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Re: If I were dead.. - January 23rd 2013, 11:32 PM

Do you want me to be honest with you? As long as you continue you tell yoruself you won't recover and that you will never get better, the longer this will continue. I can't begin to explain how much of a difference your self talk will affect your recovery. Put it this, you can and you will or you can't and you won't. YOU make that choice. YOU have the choice to recover or not and you telling yourself (which you probably do day it and out) that you're never going to be happy and this is never going to get better, will make things stay the same. The more you tell yourself that you are strong enough, that you can do it and that recovery is better, the more chance you have of actually recovering and getting better. But YOU have to help yourself in this. I can sit here for hours on end telling you recovery possible because I KNOW it is. But unless you tell yourself that, it's not going to have any affect on you what so ever. Turn your cant's into cans, love.

Things work but only if you work with the people helping you and only if you allow them to work. Counselling can really help people in your situation but for a lot of those people, it can take a lot of sessions. I've been in mental health services for nearly five years and I know people who have been in services for double that time, but they have gotten to a point where it helped them and they were well enough to leave those services. But I honestly believe, they only got to a point where it started helping them, because they started helping themselves, too. You know? Be honest with the people trying to help you, let them in and allow them to try and understand you. Work with them. If they set you homework do it. And most importantly, take their advice and use it effectively. Because you can be in therapy for years and years but the person who can help you the most, is in fact yourself. No one else can "heal" you. Only you can.

I'm sorry you feel alone. But honestly, you're not. We're always here for you and I feel prettyyy confident in saying that the users on this site, including myself, will want to help you in any way that we can do because we care. You'll find many of us have been or are in similar situations to you now and that we can relate to what you're going through. Sure, a lot of us here are on here to get support like yourself, but a lot of us also use our own experiences, to help people like yourself. I don't know what's going on for you or if anything has happened to make you feel this way, but know that if you want to talk about it, if you think that would help you, that we're here for you. Is it possible for you to go back into counselling, if you feel that would help?

Have you ever spoken to someone about the bullying? Someone such as a parent or a teacher? Your parents and teachers all care about you. And your teachers have an obligation to keep you safe while you're in school. Bullying is wrong. You don't deserve it, what so ever. And believe me when I say YOU ARE WORTH MORE than what the bullies are doing and what the bullies are saying to you. Most schools now also have anti-bullying policies in place, as well. There may be designated teachers you can talk to about problems with bullying and they should be able to help you stop the bullying and to help you cope with the bullying as well and having just that support, can be really helpful for a lot of people. Don't be alone, okay? Don't suffer in silence.

There is as much point to life as you make. Set yourself goals and aims (short term and long term) and work towards them. Do things you enjoy, spend time with the people you love and most importantly, look after yourself. Show yourself some love and do things that you want to do because YOU want to do them, not for anyone else, but for you.

You can do this. It is worth it and recovery IS possible. Stop telling yourself it isn't. It is and you can get through this, you can beat all of this and overcome everything going on for you. You are worth more than it all. And don't be alone.

Stay smiling, and look after yourself,

"Only in the dark, can you see the stars..."
Josie 12/3/2014, always in my heart. Sue 19/2/2016; Peter, Ellie, Hannah, Andy, Kirtsie RIP.

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