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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Pyromania Offline
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Everything's falling apart. - January 24th 2013, 09:43 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of death or grieving, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

First and foremost, let me state this: seeing a counselor is not an option. I'm being serious here - if you're going to suggest that, don't. It literally is impossible. For that matter, don't suggest I talk it through with my parents either. Once again, that is never going to happen. Either help me deal with this on a personal level or don't at all. I've heard all the stereotypical responses a million times over. Go see a counselor, talk to somebody...yeah, I get it. Like I said, not happening. Just trust me on this one. Probably going to be a messy post too, as there's a lot I want to get down and I'm not sure how to do it.

A little background, first. I had a few problems about two years ago and started cutting myself, overdosed twice, almost hung myself, you get the idea. They were bad times that resulted in me moving schools. From then up until now, I thought I was 'over' everything. Heck, I even started counselling others out of experience and, somehow, managed to stop an immediate friend cutting herself for good.

Recently, my grandfather passed away due to cancer. At first I didn't react at all. I've never been that close to him but I've always been extremely close to my grandmother on the same side. Like I said, I didn't react at first. I was completely unfazed by it all. Didn't feel a thing. However, seeing my dad - who's never cried before - watering up, seeing my grandmother absolutely broken, seeing others grieving and yet not doing the same...it's beginning to catch up to me. I feel so god damn guilty - on a psychological level, I'm beating myself up for not being able to do anything about the scenario. I feel helpless. I want to grieve, but it just isn't happening. It's like there's this huge fucking cork in my head that's holding me back. I don't get what's happening.

Then there's college. After coming back from the edge, so to say, I'm in a position where I could either be going to university next year - which has been my dream for ages now - or fall off again, and it's feeling like the latter. I've taken countless days off, missed a whole bunch of deadlines for important work, bombed two exams...it's salvageable, but I just can't find the motivation to do anything about it. I really, really, really want to go to university next year - yet, at the same time, I physically and mentally just can't be bothered. This isn't just me being lazy, it actually feels as if there's something that's holding me back. I can't concentrate. I can't sleep. I can't even watch the same TV channel without getting bored and turning it over, before doing that again and again. I've become disillusioned with pretty much everything. I can't even be bothered to play video games which, trust, for a person like me, isn't exactly normal. I've poured thousands of hours into them in the past and recently, I just can't be bothered. I can't be bothered to do anything. I've tried picking up hobbies, learning a new language, talking to girls...some of you may remember my thread about one - I dated her twice but, like everything else, I've got bored and just dumped the whole idea. I really genuinely like her but I just seriously can't be bothered. There is absolutely nothing that is holding my interest at this moment in time.

As a combined result of the two above factors, I recently started cutting myself again. Not anything serious, but I feel as if I'm about to fall off a cliff and do something really stupid. The temptation is there. The only place I can cut is on my abdomen - I tend to parade about the house in my boxers more often than not (don't judge!) and, seeing as my family think I'm over that whole ordeal, it's the only place I can go without being found out again. My tool of choice recently upgraded too, just in case I felt the need to do something bad - stole a scalpel from my college and it's almost been too dangerous to use. I've got a knife sharpener that I've touched it up with. If I wanted to go...I know how, and I'd have the means to do so. I don't know. I've even got other possible methods to down myself - there's a sturdy hook in the garage that I could hang myself from, there's a whole bunch of pills lying about the house, there's some other stuff too. I have access to other, more dangerous things now too as I've stolen a few things from my local pharmacy in the last couple of days. Mostly different types of medicine, but, given that I also have a stash of alcohol, that could do something.

I'm not even sure why I bothered typing this up. I'm not sure what I expect to get out of it. I mean, I'm past the point of wanting or being able to accept help of any kind. I don't really want it. I mean, subconsciously I do, but at the same time I don't. It feels really, really weird to be in the situation I am now. If I really wanted to, I could kill myself tomorrow. This isn't a thread that's seeking attention or anything of the sorts, I guess I just wanted to vent a little.

  (#2 (permalink)) Old
~Divergent~ Offline
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Re: Everything's falling apart. - January 29th 2013, 12:25 AM

Hey there,

I'm not going to tell you to see a counselor because I don't want you to hate me...but...if you weren't completely against the idea, that's what I would say. Now, moving on.

I'm sorry to hear about your grandfather passing away, and I know this must be a difficult time for your family. However, you have no reason to feel guilty for not grieving. Maybe the grieving will come later, or maybe you won't really grieve at all. You weren't extremely close to him, and while it might sound bad, you can't make yourself feel something that isn't there. And that's okay - don't feel bad about it. It doesn't mean you aren't a caring person, it just means that you didn't have a particularly strong connection with him.

About the university issues and basically losing interest in everything: Maybe what you need is just some time away from it all for a while. You might have a break coming up from college, or you could just take a weekend away. Maybe drive somewhere a few hours away, eat at a new restaurant, see the sights, go for a long walk. Just something to clear your head and get away from everything. When you come back, maybe you can get a fresh start.

As for the cutting, I'm sure I don't have to tell you how addicting it can become and how bad it is for you. I really recommend trying to stop NOW, while you haven't been back at it for very long, before it becomes so addicting that you can't stop. You could try looking at the self harm alternatives list (http://www.teenhelp.org/forums/f12-s...ves-self-harm/) and use some of those suggestions instead of cutting. Keep in mind, you might need to try several before you find one that works for you.

You might feel really hopeless right now, but suicide is NOT the answer. There are other ways out of this, and you're strong enough to find them. It may take time, and everything might seem really pointless and hopeless, but it won't always be like this. Someday things will get better. You're still really young, probably not even one quarter of the way through your life, and you have so many great things coming to you. Just think about how much your life could change over the course of ten more years. What if you win the lottery? What if you meet an amazing girl? What if you get your dream job? You don't want to miss out on these chances! Please, please don't kill yourself. Just keep pushing through and everything will work out.

Try to stay strong, okay? You can always PM/VM me or anyone else here if you need anything or want to talk, and we'll be happy to help.


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  (#3 (permalink)) Old
ashyxanarchy Offline
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Re: Everything's falling apart. - January 29th 2013, 01:02 AM

I'm very sorry about your grandfather passing away and the toll it's taking on your family. Seeing the people you love in pain can be worse than being in pain yourself. Sometimes, it takes a while for one to process painful situations in life, and keep in mind - everyone grieves differently. Just because everyone else is crying that doesn't mean that you are going to grieve that way. Your "apathy" (as I'm going to call it) is just as much a coping mechanism as crying is. So don't feel guilty - you are just dealing with things in your own way.

You know you're strong enough to pull yourself out of this because you've done it before. Not only that, you've helped others with their problems as well. More people can learn from your experiences. And you said it yourself, the situation with school can be salvaged. You obviously have a future at university that's just yours for the taking. Don't lose hope with all this opportunity waiting for you.

For every dark night, there is a lighter day. You've been here before, deep down, you know that's true.
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