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liberty9331 Offline
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Truly, nobody cares. - January 25th 2013, 11:27 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I'm sick of waking up with tears in my eyes. I'm sick of being told that I'm useless. I'm sick of feeling suicidal. I'm sick of my mom telling me while sounding annoyed "Well, don't feel suicidal." and then walking away. I'm sick of my mom saying "Don't you want to have a purpose?" As if I don't, because I'm not working where SHE wants in the job SHE wants. I'm sick of being reprimanded when I don't do a chore at the specific moment my mom wants me to.

I'm sick of my dad coming home drunk every night. He's mean/dumb when he's drunk, and he's always angry about something when he's sober.

I'm sick of the fact that when either of them hurt me, they never apologize. If I get hurt, it's my fault. If an arguement starts, they always say it's me who started it. And that it's MY fault they get mad. "You MAKE me yell!!" And things like that.

I can't stay here, but I have nowhere to go. I have a job, but it doesn't pay much, and my mom is really pissed off that I don't have ANOTHER job too.

She also wants me to go to a conservatory across the country. I'm not sure I want to go, but she won't stop pressing the issue. I'm pretty sure the only reason she wants me to go is because it's cheap compared to other conservatories. I also think she just wants me out. I'm sure she just thinks of me as a burden.

I can never make her happy, no matter what I do. I'm in a low point of my life right now, but do I get any support? Of course not. They add to my problems. Aside from giving me a place to live and food. I don't feel like I'm their kid. I feel like I'm a kid who just happens to live in their house.

When I'm sick or hurt, my mom just gets annoyed. She gets mad AT ME for not feeling well, or getting hurt. I hurt my wrist when I was 15, and my mom refused to take me to a doctor. A week later, upon realizing I couldn't write, she took me. Reluctantly. Sure enough, it was broken.

When I feel sick, she tells me to stop making excuses. I've had to go to the ER before, because I was so sick. Again, she was just annoyed that she had to be there. I had to convince her to take me after I blacked out. I had been sick for 3 weeks. It took THAT LONG and an episode where I blacked out before she figured "Well, I guess I should take you to the ER..." Gee, Mom. Thanks.

She doesn't really care. Neither does my dad. He knows that his excessive drinking hurts us, and has acknowledged it. But still, he gets drunk almost every day. He denies that it's as bad as we say, and refuses to get help, even though he's hurting us.

I feel like I could die, and they wouldn't care. I could go missing, and they wouldn't care. I feel like they're never nice to me unless we're in public.

I already have panic disorder and depression, to the point that half the time I feel suicidal. They don't care. They won't help, and they make me feel worse.
They add to it, because they don't care about my well being.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I want to get help for my depression, but I don't know how. And frankly, I'm afraid. I don't want to be imprisoned in a psych. ward, or something like that. I keep saying that I'm going to be fine and don't need help, but I keep falling to lower levels. As selfish as it is, I need help, and I need someone to care. Knowing that that may not be possible, well, I may just eventually go through with those suicidal feelings.

Advice, please. I don't know how much longer I can go on like this.
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liberty9331 Offline
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Name: Libby
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Re: Truly, nobody cares. - January 26th 2013, 04:49 PM

Wow. Thanks for the replies and advice, guys. This proves all I needed to know.
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