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Brillyx Offline
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Constant thorn in my side - February 4th 2013, 04:09 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of death or grieving, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Hey everyone, I need some help here coping with my social anxieties. I have been thinking about this for a very long time and I think it's something that needs to be discussed.

I'm a 17 year old junior currently in high school. I transferred to a high school outside my area with very different kinds of kids than in my area. I only had one other friend going there from my area in freshman year. It was pretty rough getting into the groove of things, but by the end of freshman year I fit in, sort of.

But this isn't about how my high school life is so far, it's about how I feel. How I feel towards others, how I feel about myself, and how I feel about the way others treat me.

I guess it starts back at 3rd grade when I transferred to public elementary school from a catholic school. I was the kid that liked Yugioh and pokemon and thought I had friends even though most kids thought I was weird. I really don't remember 3rd grade all that well, I guess the only thing I can really come up with is that people were too young to act 'cool' and inch away from pretending to not like little kid stuff or go against group norms.

4th, 5th, and 6th grade I had made more friends, but more of the friends that people thought were weird or 'uncool'. I was always concerned about what people thought about me, so I often got anxious whenever people would question why I hung out with these kids that I got along well with. That has how I've been, and I'm not sure if a little bit still remains in me today, for as long as I can remember ever since I started 3rd grade. Always conforming to the group's norms.

Fast forward to 7th and 8th grade, I met two jerks that I considered my 'friends'. They were total ass holes, they put me down for word I said, they called me a queer, they basically leeched off me to gain their own confidence and self esteem. They really crippled my confidence, it took me months to get my courage back. I fucking hate them for what they did to me mentally. But enough about them, I am getting side tracked from the main point here.

Come 9th grade, I was a loner at a new school. My friend from my area that I said earlier that came to the school was almost instantly popular. I don't know what he did, maybe he just had a nicer looking demeanor about him. (I very recently found out that my neutral facial expression makes me look like I'm angry or pissed, which I hate) Now picture you're in my place. The only friend you have at a new school, new people, everyone else has their groups they hang out with, and you're alone in your friend's shadow. You'll be talking with him and people will say hi to him but not to you, you'll be talking and people will pull him off to the side or start talking to him while you're in mid-sentence. People won't even regard you talking to him or standing there with him. It's one of the worst feelings in the world. It took me a long time to make friends at the school. I was cutting the line pretty close to almost committing suicide. It was bad.

By the end of the year, I had made a lot of friends. It was a nice change of pace, however, I was still in the shadow of my other friend.

You see, I feel like I am always the one that has to start the conversation, or the one that has to get people's attentions. Whereas my friend could walk down the hallway and people would shout his name and recognize him. But with me, I always have to be the one that calls the name. Why? Am I trying too hard? Do I put people off for some reason?

I always make a meaningless effort to have good body language, I always try to smile, I always have good hygiene/good looks. So what the fuck? Why doesn't anything work? I have tried taking on numerous friend's personalities that I see are successful and let me tell you that hasn't worked at all.

I tried being myself, and even though that did seem to produce the best results, people always seem to make a joke out of what I say or what I do. I don't understand, am I just naturally a fool and people can pick flaws out of what I do or what I say and get the group to laugh and put me down? Am I just cursed by fate and I'm one of the million people born into being the clown? Am I over thinking this too much?

I always think to myself "Do people not like me or am I over thinking that they don't when they really do?". It's so hard to tell. I also feel anxious talking to certain people that I deem as 'cool' because I think they don't want to associate with me, and then that makes me say stupid stuff and then they just take me as an idiot or they turn what I say into a joke.

For most of my life I have felt like there is a class system in the schools I've been to. You have your kids that are losers and the kids that are 'cool' or 'popular'. And for a lot of my life, I've tried being one of those 'cool' or 'popular' kids, and while it's worked a little bit, I never feel satisfied with my current status. There is always another group that I crave to be accepted by. And I know a lot of you might think "well that's just silly, not EVERYONE is going to like you", but you see, there are some people I know that everyone DOES seem to like, and when I see those people I get so fucking jealous. Like what makes them so great that they can have the appeal of everyone else? It's horse shit.

I have found that I have gotten to be an extremely jealous person over the years. Jealous of my male friends that have had girlfriends or lost their virginity, because I have done absolutely shit with trying to hook up with a girl. I have been turned down literally like 5 or 6 times no joke. The only date I've ever had was with one of the biggest whores in the town my current school is located in, and even then I have to lie to people that we had a very short relationship, just so I can feel like I have some pride. I always tell myself "Oh you'll get a girlfriend before so and so" or "So and so is so bad with girls, you'll definitely have a girlfriend before him" but you know what, there are some really scummy or socially awkward kids that have had more pussy than I have ever gotten in my whole life.

I always feel like I have to prove myself to others so I can be deemed as cool or someone people want to know. I always feel like I have to put up this 'perfect' image so I won't lose my chances of people liking me. It really is a constant burden.

Not only that, but I feel myself hating myself more often. Like I feel sad or depressed more looking back on all the times I've failed in life or all the girls I've fucked up on that I really liked. I get jealous when I see my friends succeeding in things, and I find myself isolating myself from really shining and being important. It's like I crave to be accepted, but I'm too afraid or unmotivated to do something amazing to be noticed. I feel intimidated by people that are more popular than I am or people that have a lot of friends and are deemed as 'cool'. I don't want to believe that I have a depression illness because I don't want to be categorized as some sad sucker who is a loser and can't take life. But who knows? Maybe I am.

This is probably the biggest post about this problem I've ever made, and believe me, I've posted a lot of times before about this issue but in smaller amounts or about different things over the years. None of the times seemed to help me completely. I'm hoping this can be one of those times when I actually do find some serious advice. I know it's long but can someone please help me? I really do need answers here. It's a constant thorn in my side.
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
Cassie999 Offline
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Re: Constant thorn in my side - February 8th 2013, 11:09 PM

You have to force yourself to make the effort and do something about it. If you need counsellor to help you then so be it but it's still up to you to make the changes to your life.

Circumstances has nothing to do with it. People wouldn't be your friend (no matter how temporary) if they didn't want to be. Friendship is a two way thing. Push yourself more, call these temporary friends up and go to the cinema or out for lunch or whatever you'd like. Chances are the more you ask them the more you get to know them and hey presto those temporary friends are actually real friends and they'll be calling you up to ask you places. You're prob giving them the impression you don't really want to be their friend. Not good. Just having people around can lift your mood and help you feel wanted by your friends.
Don't be worried about what others think of you.

As for the people who make a laughing stock out of you and make fun of what you say and do you need to completely ignore them, you take away that attention and you do not give them the control over you and your emotions that they want. Completely ignoring a bully, though, means no eye contact. It also means that you do not verbally respond back. Ignoring the bully will help to stop them from making fun of you. It will help to stop you from being the victim of a bully.

Be confident.
Understand what helps to make someone a target of someone who is a bully. Often the person who is a bully will target people whom they perceive to be weaker. They are much more likely to target a person who is less confident. To show your confidence, stand up straight and hold your head high. Make good direct eye contact. Make sure your voice can be heard clearly. Never act timid or shy or worried around that person. Your confidence will help to stop people from making fun of you. It will keep you from being the target of a bully.

Believe in yourself. Use self-talk to reinforce your own confidence and feelings by telling yourself what you know to be true and good about yourself. Send the signal that you are not someone they can bully and make fun of.

Have a good support system.
Associate with positive people who will make you feel good and will help you to forget or ignore anything a bully is saying to you. This will help to stop a bully from making fun of you.

Your friends who was jerks to you: people change like every 5 years or so like as in personality and just grow apart from others it happens fact of life all you can do is move on and don't waste your time on thinking about them.

About the relationships, maybe your time hasn't come yet but it has come for your friends but not for you. Sometimes you can't always find the right girl in high school but then you start to fancy someone and want to get to know them once your out of high school and go to places. High school girls are not for everyone.

Last edited by Cassie999; February 9th 2013 at 10:44 AM.
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