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2hot4u Offline
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Name: Rachael
Age: 26
Gender: Female
Location: Canada

Posts: 190
Blog Entries: 17
Join Date: January 16th 2011

Don't know what to do anymore(rant) - February 7th 2013, 03:20 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of self harm, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread might therefore not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

This is kind of a rant. Cuz idk what to do anymore...

this is what I sent to my friend on monday, during a complete break down. I cut myself kind of badly that day, then had a full out panic attack. I could NOT physically calm down for nearly 25 minutes.

"ive been having a bad week with mom stuff(last week and this week), and i look at a picture of her,and i cant remember what it was like when she was here anymore, and its like she never existed even though i know she did but im forgetting what it was like, and thats not something someone should have to go through.i want her back.... i want back those times she would sit on the couch and id kneel and cuddle with her and she would just rub my back.
i dont even want to talk to Phil anymore (school friend Phil)..
im under a lot of stress at school and i just ... i honestly dont know how much longer i can do this. im not ok. and my counselor isnt helping and i dont see her until next week but does that even matter? its not helping. i fucking relapsed tonight kind of badly. i just wanna be home... but i want it to be the home that i had before april last year. i wanna be back with my friends. and i have no clue about what i want in the future,i dont have friends here, i only have phil. but he wants to drop the course and go back to NB, and i doubt anything is going to be done for my birthday this year. because my dad barely remembers when my birthday IS. and i feel like all i do is fuck up in class. and
i dont know. i just dont know. im coming home this weekend.but i dont want to be with my dad and his fucking whore, and I don't even feel SAFE in my own house!"

Im going to the doctors tomorrow to see about going on antidepressants because... I am tired of always being tired and stuff.. But at the same time... i don't remember what its like NOT to feel this way so I think it is going to be scary.. and i know that taking antidepressants is not going make everything magically better... i know it will take work... but how can i feel better when everything in my life is so... so.. fucked up!

i feel like a failure for not doing the second year of culinary even though i LOVE cooking and stuff. Second year does not focus on it as much even though it would be fun. I can't handle the stress of it. I really can't.

Plus health issues, and family issues and everything... I mean.. health wise.. i haven't had my period since before my mom died last year... Like.. I had it the month before, but not since April 2012. Which i blamed on stress, and it could still be that. I don't know though, but I am scared to say anything about it, because of the whole gynecologist thing. If i get sent to one... idk. Maybe that could help with my LBL(light bladder leakage) problem as well, which is kind of ruining my life. Its just so constant.

I feel like no one could love me because of how i am, and how i act, and stuff thats wrong with me...

I want to die but i don't have the nerve to kill myself. I just want to go to bed and never wake up

End of rant I guess... Sorry for wasting peoples time


R.I.P Mommy </3 July 1,1963-April 8, 2012. I miss you

It's a momentary relief from the existential terror of existence!

Had to get stitches for the first time due to self harm on June 2, 2013
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Re: Don't know what to do anymore(rant) - February 8th 2013, 07:50 PM

Rachel... I am so sorry about what you're going through... I think it'd good you told your friend what's going on and you're gonna talk to a therapist. Be proud of yourself for trying to help yourself. By the way, someone who doesn't love you because of your problems doesn't deserve to be loved in return. Nobody is perfect, love is about accepting each other. I know things are rough right now, but please know that things won't always be so bad. They can definitely change. I believe you can do this. And hey, you aren't alone, hun. You can PM/VM me anytime if you need someone to talk to.

Stay Strong <3

~ Christabel
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