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Depression and Suicide If you or a loved one is feeling depressed or suicidal, you are not alone. Talk with other users about your feelings here.

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Hiddenangel26 Offline
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Name: Tori
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Location: Harrisvile UT

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This disease called "depression" - February 11th 2013, 03:40 PM

I'm known as hiddenangel26. I'm 16 years old and go to school.

It all started back in Jr. High, I was a "rebel" I was "gothic"...and surprising I didn't care what other thought and I was happy, that lasted until freshmen year. I moved that summer...I move quiet a lot actually...moved about 20 something times now...I've stopped counting.
Freshmen year, I had no friends. I soon become so quiet and shy that I didn't talk to anyone...not even my teachers (it's always like that when moving) I never ate either. I was sexually harassed the first semester and it got out of hand so I finally talk to my mom and well it was taken care of. Then life seemed to change, I got my first friend she was sweet and nice but everyone called her these valgur names and she would herself call her these names...it embarrassed me to be around her.
Sophmore year, it was crazy! seeing all these new people and childhood friends it was nice, but yet...I still wasn't happy. I made friends who I had a lot in common and could laugh and share secrets with and be dorks...but life at home was hard and I couldn't imagin burdening my friends by telling them...so I kept to myself. Wensday, March 14th around 8:30 at night I came home from young women's (I'm LDS) and I remember our water and electricity going off because of an unpaid bill and my parents were fighting, but I came home after having so much fun...and I walked through the door to find my mom upstairs on her cell talk to my grandma. Tear stained my moms cheeks...I knew something was wrong. My mom told me that my papa started drinking. Right then and there my heart shattered. I was so in shock I just looked at her and then left outside. I stood in front of my house waiting for my brothers and sister to go home. My brother dillon came home with his friend mason to get a flashlight to go and find something they lost. Dillon could tell something was wrong. I simply asked him if what my papa was drinking was alcohol...he replayed i dont know. Dillon and his friend told me to come along so I did, at the park dillon asked his other friend Diego if the beverage was alcohol...sure enough it was. Few days past and my parents were talking about divorce they were serious. That night I was in my sister room watching a movie with her when my papa pounded on my sisters door, I opened it and my papa asked who are you gonna stay with? I looked at him in the eyes and said courageously "your not divorcing...you wouldn't divorce mom" and my papas expression broke my heart. He smiled and said "try me". After dinner my mom took all of us kids out for a drive. (Shannon,dillon,Zachary, and myself) she said softly in a heart renching voice " if we do get a divorce...we'll be going to live with your grandma down in Texas" I didn't want to move down to Texas! But...what saying do I have in this? After a couple of days my papa started talking to us and stopped drinking...he never apologized. Even to this day. Not one apology.
Junior year, (present time) I've been hardly going to school. I hate school. I hate my teacher and their attitude towards the students. I've never been asked to a dance nor have I dated anyone. All my friends around me have men at their feet. I have nothing. My friends are super skinny. I'm a little over weight due to depression. I also hide my feeling from my friends because of their bad advice giving. They've neer been what I've been through. They've never seen their parents fight. They've never had a difficult time waking up in the morning and looking in the mirror and never saying how ugly they look. They know their beautiful and skinny and they know they can't probably get any guy they wanted. I'm just that short little chubby girl who is just their friend. My friend don't include me in conversations. If we were walking in the halls I could stop and they would walk on and I could walk away without them noticing. I live them dearly their good people...but...if they know it or not...that's a sign of bullying. All my life I've been that girl who was really outgoing and happy and never was sad or upset...even to this day. I act so cheerful and happy...I play the fake me. The great actress who's never found out about having depression. I've tried to commit suicide...but...that's a cowards way out...no one in this world...is a coward. I never really harmed myself like cutting and stuff...that won't heal what's on the inside. I have a lovig family who goes through trails and all. I go to church. Still not going to school. I'm a social outcast...unless I play the fake role. I...can't go to anyone to talk to because they haven't been what I've been through. I can't go to my parents or siblings or other family me ever because they just don't get it...they don't understand and they don't listen. So....here I am...begging and desprately needing help...I want to be happy again...I hate having to act.
   
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Collies R Us Offline
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Re: This disease called "depression" - February 18th 2013, 12:23 AM

I'm sorry your parents put you through that.
I'm sorry your friends ignore you.

I know what that feels like. Those "friends" that could care less about me are in my past now. I have one real friend that does care about me. And, I've realized, I have acquaintances that also care about me. For a while, I went through live thinking no one cared.

Then I found God, and like falling in love, my world was turned upside down.

Things didn't however magical fix themselves, but things got better.
All that self-loathing faded overtime with God's help. He made me realize that HE MADE ME, and God does create ugly things. This is how He wanted me to be! My esteem improved greatly.
But all this took time. And it took time with God.

As a result I loved Him even more, because when you really spend time with someone you get to know them better.

God, unlike those "friends" does care about me. He sent His son to die in order to pay for my sins, just so I could be with Him! God loves us that much! Jesus loves us so much that He died for us!
He paid for our sins, instead of an animal sacrifice, as was the Jewish custom. The animal had to be unblemished and pure, so Jesus, God incarnate, was the only one able to do this because He was the only one free from sin. And since He sacrificed Himself, He paid for all our sins, once and for all! That doesn't give us a free ticket to sin. No. It doesn't work like that...

But the point I'm trying to make is how much He loves us.
Look up a lyrics video on YouTube : How He Loves (David Crowder Band.)
THAT should get the point across.

You don't have to go through this alone. He is there for you, waiting for you to finally see Him! Please listen!
-Collies R Us


"Be strong and bold; have no fear or dread of them, because it is the LORD your God who goes with you; he will not fail you or forsake you." (Deut. 31:6 NRSV of the Bible)
   
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