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Aesir645 Offline
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Hopeless - February 14th 2013, 11:59 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

I wake up, try and make it a good day, and go to sleep crying or wanting to commit suicide. The only thing holding me back is I'm scared of going to Hell. If it wasn't for that, I would have disappeared years ago.

I wake up, exhausted from the day before and stressed out already(right as I wake up) from the assload of homework I have to do. Get ready, go to high school and throughout the day, become routinely depressed. The teachers throw homework assignment after homework assignment at me and I have trouble keeping track of them all and even more doing it. Thats what I get for taking any AP classes. Classes that I'm doing average in. When I can easily go into a regular class and dominate it without much effort. I walk into the AP class, and everything goes downhill. I feel incredibly stupid in those classes. It just brings me down how I could torture myself studying and do just fine while the AP procrastinators and goof offs do amazing. What makes them so much ******* better than me. They have time to do all this work, still go to the gym and look great while I can't drop a single pound of fat and still go out and have fun. It always seems like nothing goes wrong for them. Meanwhile me, close to failing 2 classes, lost my car in a major wreck and struggling with my weight for a good 4 years now. What makes them so special that they get to be so much better than me? Why can't I be special? Why can't I be important? Why can't I matter? I don't remember a single happy time in high school. All I am is used by these "friends" I am nice to EVERYONE. Second I have a bad day and not in the mood to be nice and show how I really feel, the universe and its inhabitants are against me. People ask me for shit all the time but when I need help, I hear echoes. I don't really know if I have friends or not. To even talk, I always have to make the first move. I figured if we were really friends, he'd come up to me once in a while right? Its almost as if I'm not wanted around. I can't tell them any of this. I don't trust anyone enough, not even my family. They see me as an embarrassment. What parents who work in the medical field allow their son to get this fat? I could at least do something with my size and play football but no, I have to go and be a fucking nerd. My friends don't like me around, my parents are embarrassed of me...

Why stay here?
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shiro Offline
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Re: Hopeless - February 16th 2013, 01:55 AM

You honestly sound a lot like me. I took AP classes too. I couldn't handle them either. My test scores said I could, but I really couldn't. I asked my guidance counselor to switch me out, and since I was about to fail/was failing, she did, no questions asked. It's not that they're not any better than you, trust me, it's not. Don't feel like that. And you are special; everyone is. At least one person will always love you; you may not feel they do, but rest assured, THEY DO. You're special to me, and I don't even know you. Just keep fighting. You sound like you may need a counselor to vent to or something; you could talk to your GC about the way you feel, about how you feel like your a disappointment, and everything you talked about in your post. It'll help, trust me, I know. Don't give up though.... pwease?
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